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    Bitch-Back! Forget Fauxmances, What About Best Friend BS?

    Katy Perry, Rihanna David Becker/Getty Images for Cirque du Soleil

    Dear Ted:
    So Katy Perry and Rihanna are supposed to be friends. Is this a true friendship or just for PR? If this is a true friendship how can Kat allow Ri to be in the spotlight after the whole Chris Brown thing? I mean what happened was not her fault, but she was basically left alone waiting for police assistance. Why hasn't Katy done anything to help? Even though it has been a year she still might have psychological problems.
    —doli

    Dear BFF Blunder:
    No sham here; the two have been über-tight for a long time now, and Rihanna's even going to be one of K.P.'s bridesmaids. Hell, Ri planned Katy's Vegas bachelorette party. As for the Chris Brown biz, I don't get your logic, D. I'm sure Katy was there for Rihanna as any bestie would be, but what's she going to do? Rihanna is a star and a strongass woman; she's not going to let one incident—no matter how tragic—stop her, and Katy knows it.

    Dear Ted:
    I have some questions about the Vicey TV cast you mentioned a while back. Firstly if Buella is such a bitch, how can she be friends with two laid-back folks like Kelly and Drew? And do they have any other Vices you want to share with us? By the way, you've worn me down with all your shelter talk. I'm planning on going kitty hunting shortly and will go for a rescue, which honestly, would never have occurred to me before. So congrats on using your public profile for good causes...
    —Sam

    Dear Vice City:
    With all that pot they're puffing, Kell and Drew could put up with anyone! Plus, the be-yotchy babe is probably a lot chiller—and friendlier—when she's got some ganja herself. Isn't that always the story? Oh you bet, I've been digging around K and D's closets for nasty little secrets. They're good at keeping their dirt on the DL, but not quite good enough. And congrats on your shelter decision! I guarantee you your lucky new adoptee will thank you like you've never been thanked before. Bless you for doing this. You are saving a life.

    Dear Ted:
    Is it true Miley, Demi, Nick, Joe and friends were hanging out together on Nick's birthday. I really hope so, I miss their friendship.
    —Quinna

    Dear Reunited and It Feels So Good:
    Yep! Hear Nick had a supersecret B-day bash at midnight and Miles was indeed in attendance. Though, she was also out with Liam that night, so that hurts my Niley-lovin' heart a bit (but interesting she was even there to begin with, huh?). Good to see all the Disney kids can still play nice these days.

    Dear Ted:
    I hate the idea that bearding works, but I suspect that some of my fave celebrities are playing that game big time, and I am torn because I want them to be successful but happy too. I would guess that one could say that bearding has definitely helped guys like Toothy. He seems pretty successful, but what if he hadn't played that game? What about Judas Jack-off and Dashed Dingle-Dream? Has bearding seemed to help their careers any, or is it too soon to tell? Is success always determined by getting bigger and better roles on TV or in movies, or could it also be that bearding actors get to keep jobs they have and like but with more money or other perks?
    —Supercurios

    Dear No Shave November:
    If it sounds a bit dramatic, well, it's Hollywood, but if Toothy, Judas or any of ‘em came out, their careers would be over. It's different for A-list move stars like T2 compared to say Neil Patrick Harris—whole different rules. Totally lame, but that's how it is.

    Dear Ted:
    Is Carey Mulligan following the suit of a lot of other young actresses? She looked much thinner in her movie premiere pictures. Tell me she's not going down the same path as Lea Michele!
    —Minet

    Dear Mulling Over Mulligan:
    Car has always been on the petite side, and while she may look a tiny bit slimmer nowadays, I wouldn't worry about Ms. M. She's healthy skinny, as far as I'm concerned.

    Dear Ted:
    I love you, but are you trying to set up a Team A.Skars vs. Team JoeMan? It's just so very...Twilight of you. Both guys are totally gorgeous, and they both seem pretty laid-back, so I'm sure this "competition" is only going to rev up the fans and not the actors themselves. Also, I haven't seen you do any articles relating to Alex and Stephen Moyer and their charity "Battle of the Fang." They raised a lot of money for charity. Stephen Moyer won and now A.Skars has to wear a shirt of Moyer's choosing—should be very amusing. That's it, except let's hope Kate Bosworth is out of the picture. Alex has been photographed looking suntanned and happy on the Battleship set in Hawaii. A good look, let's hope he's moving on to someone who...likes a burger?
    —Cheers from Oz Mel

    Dear Battle of the Bulge:
    While A.Skars may not be worried that his hottie status on True Blood is in question, we—and Joe's 36-pack—say otherwise. Plus, Alex and J.M.'s hotness contest is so much more legit than R.Pattz and Taylor Lautner, where there was no competition. As for the charity-off between Team Bill and Team Eric, doesn't it just totally make you heart them even more?

    Dear Ted:
    I just discovered my new favorite show MTV's The Buried Life. I find the guys on that show entertaining, inspirational and very cute. They are obviously well-educated and profound young men (unlike a lot of their generation on MTV—I'm talking to you Jersey Shore). I wondered if they are as nice and noble as they seem on the show. Do you have any info on this Fab Four, or are they not even on your radar?
    —W

    Dear Bucket List:
    Have met the dudes before and they're all great guys who actually care about the things they're doing for other people. Very impressive, and makes ‘em that much more attractive. Haven't been able to tune into the show as much as I wish, but season two is coming up, so I'll have another chance.

    Dear Ted:
    Do celebrities who are sometimes guest columnists (Bono and Angelina Jolie come to mind) really write their own columns? I know many folks have speech writers, ghost writers, etc., but I would really, really, really like to believe that Bono (yep, I'm a fan of the man, what can I say?) pens his own. What say you? I hate to pimp out my cats in the name of getting an answer, but you better believe I will. I'm currently the surrogate to two cats who have been rescued.
    —Lizzie

    Dear Dear Bono:
    While I'm sure they could get help if they wanted, Bono and Ange, specifically, are both very well versed on their humanitarian efforts and charity work, so I can't imagine them having any trouble putting pen to paper and writing about it. Same with Sean Penn.

    Dear Ted:
    You are the lowest of the low! Your article reeks of ignorance! Nothing but continued lies spread and published about Michael Jackson. May you rot in an eternal hell for your despicable behavior. You could never been half the man Mr. Jackson was and you will never make any contributions to this world. Just a pathetic life of self-serving attention. I feel sorry for your children or anyone else whom you might have influence over. You certainly have no influence over the people who know the truth.
    —JM

    Dear Deluded:
    Obviously, our take on Michael Jackson's new vid game didn't please you, so sorry. Sure, the guy was a genius, but, he was also weird as hell. FYI: I don't have children, and if you think I'm self-serving, clearly you don't read many gossip columnists. Get a clue.

    Dear Ted:
    So with the new In Touch story about David Beckham and the prostitute, I gotta ask: Is he Pepper Harthman? Pepper is a spice, and Beckham is married to my favorite Spice Girl. I know you can't come right out an answer me, but I'm hoping for a denial to be honest!
    —Bridgit's Mom

    Dear Sext Savvy:
    Nope, David has a much older Vice. Plus, Pepp has been able to keep his skanky ways under wraps so far, not even a friggin' rumor has popped up about his penchant for babes that aren't his wifey.

    Dear Ted:
    Did you hear the good news about Florida? We finally lifted the ban on adoptions by gays! Baby steps (pun intended). Not much about Toothy Tile or Grey Goose lately. Any new tales to tell?
    —XXOO

    Dear Gator Gold:
    Kudos to Florida! Now if Cali could only get its act together, we'd keep making those baby steps. T2 and G2 haven't been making much of a splash lately. Grey's been super busy with work, while Toothy is enjoying a bit of down time. When did these two become so friggin' boring?

    Dear Ted:
    I was just passed up for a promotion that I more than earned at work and I'm feeling pretty down, so I'm hoping maybe you can help just a little bit. Is Twyla Babe-Sucker currently in a romantic relationship with the dude her in B.V., or is she playing the field? Also, does the guy have his own B.V.? I am a dog trainer and always promote adoption/rescue of animals, and my Dalmatian-pit bull shelter dog sends lots of kisses your way!
    —Heather

    Dear Sweetheart:
    Sorry about the let-down at work. Get right back in there, though—best thing to do. To answer your questions, yes, yes and yes. What's your dog's name?

    Follow @theawfultruth on Twitter

    _________

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