Unlike Lady Gaga's meat dress, our news won't spoil if left unrefrigerated:
What didn't happen at the 2010 MTV Video Music Awards, the most-watched MTV telecast since 2002? Lady Gaga deservedly won eight moon men and then poached her own glory, Kanye West proved he's still got it with his rousing closing number, Taylor Swift sang us a page from last year's diary, Chelsea Handler was impregnated by the Jersey Shore hot tub and Lindsay Lohan took another step toward redemption by making fun of herself in a pretaped skit, something we hear Paris Hilton was too skittish to do.
Too bad it was lies, all lies!
LO AND BEHOLD: According to the guys who might have to lock her up again, Lindsay failed her latest court-ordered drug test. We didn't pull you back into the news this time, babe. This one is all you.
GAG-A REFLEX: Disclaimer: We love Lady Gaga's music, her general personality and her politics. But there are better ways (psst, like this, not like this) to show that she's not a piece of meat than by draping herself in it and then making Cher, who can't possibly eat solid meals anymore to maintain a body like that at 64, hold her meat purse. Fie, Gaga!
WHAT THE ELLE? The editor-in-chief of Elle says she has no idea what people are talking about who claim that cover girl Gabourey Sidibe's complexion was purposely lightened. But hey, we had to ask, because people were wondering. Because, you know, it would have been the first time a fashion magazine had ever altered a photograph in any way.
GRIMM DISCOVERY: Having just won America's Got Talent, scoring $1 million and a Las Vegas show of his own, singer Michael Grimm took the opportunity to propose to his longtime girlfriend on Ellen. He also says he's going to buy a house for his grandparents with the prize money. As if he didn't have enough female fans already!
BEARDED WONDER: Big surprise, it turns out the only thing real about Joaquin Phoenix over the past year was the beard. We know they don't nominate beards for Oscars, but maybe the MTV Movie Awards could create a new category. Let's just see how Joaquin would have done taking on the persona of a midlife crisis-having, drug-using, career-eschewing incoherent wannabe rapper without one!
BABY TALK: Penélope Cruz and hubby Javier Bardem have one hot bun in the oven...Sacha Baron Cohen and Isla Fisher show up with a stroller...Jamie Oliver and wife Jools welcome their fourth child and first son...Mario Lopez and girlfriend Courtney Mazza have a daughter.
MAKING IT WORK: E! Online has been your ticket inside New York Fashion Week—and Tim Gunn's discerning brain. Despite some finger-wagging from some important tastemakers, the no-holds-barred author is sticking to his, er, guns about what he's calling his "antidote to bad behavior." And Taylor Momsen just might learn a thing or two in the process. It doesn't get any chicer than that!
CRIME & PUNISHMENT: Shelley Malil, one of Steve Carell's advice-spewing coworkers in The 40-Year-Old Virgin, was convicted of attempted murder for stabbing his girlfriend 23 times. That plus assault with a deadly weapon could land him in prison for 16 years to life.
LAW & DISORDER: Paris Hilton cuts a favorable deal for Vegas drug bust...She's wanted in L.A., too...Russell Brand busted for scuffling with paparazzi...Miami Beach shutterbug criminally pissed at Adam Lambert...Jodie Foster off the hook for her own pap fracas...Kid Rock's waffles were more expensive than Justin Timberlake's French toast...T.I.'s weapon conviction may come back to haunt his drug bust...George Michael gets jail time for trying to shop while still in his car...Jeremy London kidnapping case is on the docket.
CIVIL WAR: Michael Jackson's doctor doesn't think Joe Jackson's wrongful death suit has a leg to stand on...Katherine Jackson is blaming AEG Live for whatever the doctor did or didn't do...Casey Affleck settles up...Paparazzo sues Michael Richards.
FILM SCHOOL: Sofia Coppola's Somewhere wins the Golden Lion, the top prize at the Venice Film Festival...Sacha Baron Cohen to play killer Queen frontman Freddy Mercury...Swedish Dragon Tattoo star Noomi Rapace joins Sherlock Holmes sequel...Jon Hamm not turning down Super Man idea...Will Smith to help Justin Bieber get serious...Russell Crowe teaming up with Wu Tang's RZA for The Man With the Iron Fist...Babies are scary on the Paranormal Activity 2 poster...Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie are hot in The Tourist trailer.
TV LAND: Real Housewives' Michaele Salahi reveals MS battle...Top Chef winner Kevin speaks out...Survivor: Nicaragua's first cast-off spills...Hayden "The Animal" Moss tops Big Brother...Dave and Natalie split the Bachelor Pad loot...Jennifer Lopez's ex planning something dumb...A Playboy shoot might be the most classic thing JWoww ever does...Kate Gosselin strips just enough for People...Exclusive Chuck sneak peek...Exclusive Smallville clip...The Apprentice gets back to bitchy basics...Community bloopers...American Idol opens MySpace to the crazies, and its purse strings for J.Lo...Ken Jennings' one-day Jeopardy! record broken ...Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting missing from The Big Bang Theory for a week with a broken leg...Massive Gossip Girl scoop.
THE BIG O: Oprah Winfrey's going out in style, rewarding the audience at her final season premiere with tax-free trips to Australia. And she's going with them! Unfortunately, John Travolta isn't. Nor is he going with the ubiquitous media mogul on a college-scouting trip with the girls from the school she founded in Johannesburg.
GOD BLESS 'EM: After promising respective big announcements that were going to crush the other's big announcement, it turns out Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert are joining forces—under the aegis of a rivalry, of course—to hold a rally for politically savvy folks who are tired of the 24/7 news machine's distortion of the issues. Oct. 30, the National Mall in Washington, D.C. Be there or...don't.
FIGHTING WORDS: Eddie Cibrian's ex, Brandi Glanville, was enraged about not getting a phone call when her and Eddie's kid had an ER-worthy accident at the home he shares with Rimes. You can imagine, LeAnn wasn't too pleased about what Brandi was implying with her "bad parenting" comment.
FAREWELL: Billie Mae Richards, voice of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer in animated Christmas classic, died at 88...Harold Gould, Rhoda Morgenstern's father and Rose's suitor Miles on The Golden Girls, died of prostate cancer at 86...Kevin McCarthy, star of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, died at 96.
SEEN: Sandra Bullock chilling with her agent at The Abbey in West Hollywood...Kim Kardashian and mom Kris Jenner taking a Twitter break at the Louvre in Paris...(While mom's away) Kendal and Kylie Jenner hitting the Hollywood premiere of Easy A...Owen Wilson taking a leak on a Maui golf course...All sorts of stars at the 2010 Toronto Film Festival.