Bruce Jenner, Kris Jenner, Robert Kardashian, Kourtney Kardashian, Kim Kardashian, Khloe Kardashian

Charley Gallay/

Dear Ted:
Putting aside the utter and complete lack of any sort of talent, I would humbly like to ask as a Portuguese well-brought educated woman: Why oh why are the Kardashians celebrities in the U.S? It's annoyingly pungent to see how much attention they want. But nobody talks about least nobody European. Why do Americans keep idolizing and celebrating unworthingness and uselessness? I read American blog spots and everybody seems to worship them. As far as I'm concerned they're not pretty (at least, removing all the extremely heavy make-up, fake lashes, corsets, inside straps and so on), they surely are not at all classy, polite, well-bred. Why oh why? I simply cannot understand!

Dear Trashin' the Kardashians:
'Cause they're fun, babe. And I disagree about the classiness: I think the K-clan handle fame a lot better than, say, the Hilton crowd; they simply wear it with more ease. They live an ultralux life, which drew people in (isn't it the lifestyles of the rich and the famous that keep us so fascinated with any celeb?), and then on top of that, they're cuckoo crazy, in the best possible way. They've got everything people need to be entertained: humor, hotties and drama galore.

Dear Ted:
Has Ryan Gosling ever been a Blind Vice? Is the whole "he's so hard to work with" thing true?
—Mrs. Gosling

Dear How Dare You:
I've never heard anyone say such a thing about our Ry! He's a great guy, but he's also a serious actor. He's very professional and takes his acting seriously, but I'd hardly say that makes him difficult to work with.

Dear Ted:
Can you settle a bet between me and my friends, please? Would Mooney Van Dangle's familial scandal be something entertainment news followers would be familiar with or is this something that has not been picked up by many mainstream gossip outlets?
—Practice What You Preach

Dear Dangling the Goods:
Everyone whose behavior Mooney's been bitchin' about is pretty common knowledge. It's just Van Dangle's naughty, naughty biz that's kept on the DL. But for how long?

Dear Ted:
Is there anyone straight left in Hollywood? Can you give us a couple of names? Also, are any of your B.V.s straight?

Dear Straight Edge:
Of course! The whole friggin' town hasn't gone gay! So I'll name names, Blind Vice and otherwise: Ryan Gosling, Buddy Rib-Toast, Ryan Reynolds and Buck Me-Good. Will that satisfy you for a while?

Dear Ted:
Since Robsten have now been spotted out and about "kissing, holding hands and nuzzling" in Montreal and Louisiana lately, do you think that they will come out as a couple and make their debut at the Welcome to the Riley's premiere? Maybe walk the carpet as a couple or at least show up together? Isn't it about time? What do you think? My Twilight obsessed dachshund, Eva, can't wait any longer.
—Hounding For Info

Dear Red Carpet Rundown:
Nope, we'd be lucky if Rob showed up to "support" her (the more likely scenario, natch). It's just not going to happen unless they're trekking the carpet together for Breaking Dawn, which would strictly be the Biz.

Dear Ted:
I watch The O.C. reruns and I long for the days when Mischa Barton did something good with her acting skills. If The O.C. wouldn't have killed her off (I still cry when I watch that episode), we might have gotten a few more seasons. Seriously what is she doing with her career? Maybe I'm alone in this thought but help me out here. I need closure or something!

Dear Raising the Barton:
Because Mischa doesn't care about acting, really. She just wanted to be famous—which The O.C. did perfectly.

Dear Ted:
I'm not into the Twilight craze, but I love The Vampire Diaries. Has Ian Somerhalder ever been a Blind Vice? Will your dogs make a video appearance soon? I miss Margo. She's my fave! I was very sad to read about Cleo's passing.

Dear Dear Diary:
A young, hot vampire? Of course he has! And Charlie is going to be so disappointed to hear that Margo is another reader's fave. M is starting to get a big head!

Dear Ted:
So I'm thinking. Sometimes you need to Blind a Vice for legal reasons. But do you think that in a lot of cases the perp just wouldn't care? Or sometimes is it just fun to watch us go mad trying to guess?

Dear Getting Tricky:
Oh, they'd care all right. It would—sadly—be career-altering stuff if any of the Vices got revealed. But I do get a good chuckle when people guess the really hard ones. Not much gets past you guys.

Dear Ted:
What's Topher Hairy-Tuchus been up to? How is his career going? Is he still up to his dirty, dirty and no-so-secretive ways, or is he laying low (or maybe spending time with a possible beard)?

Dear Hairy Assed:
Toph has been laying fairly low on both accounts, career and romance, which is surprising, seeing as he was the biggest name in the Biz for a second. I have no doubt he'll be back on top in a minute though.

Dear Ted:
Please tease us with a little fresh dish on the residents of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. (both current and most recent). It's been ages since you've dangled any Obama or Bush relaysh gossip for us to savor.

Dear Oval Awed:
To tell you the truth, my mind has changed on Obama considerably. He hasn't worked as quickly as I would have liked (on the Gulf and Don't Ask horrors, for example), but I truly believe he's doing his best. I do. And there's a ginormous Republican campaign afoot to unseat him for 2012, and I think the country needs to help prevent that from happening. So, I'm not talkin' gossipy crap about him anymore. Moose-slayer and Fox boob-tube puppet Sarah Palin gets that honor.

Dear Ted:
'Fess up once and for all, who is your favorite: R.Pattz or A.Skars?
—Eve XX

Dear Duh:
I'm worried this is even a question. Robert Pattinson.

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Catch more of Ted's take on Hollywod in our Bitch-Back section!

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