Danielle Staub, Real Housewives of New Jersey

Andrei Jackamets/Bravo

Anyone who's seen even one minute of The Real Housewives of New Jersey (or The Soup) knows how calm, rational and even-keeled Danielle Staub is.

So imagine our surprise when her nine-and-a-half hour mediation session with her ex-husband on Friday resulted in…absolutely no settlement whatsoever. Yet.

But, on the plus side, what it lacked in closure, it more than made up for with bitter acrimony! Here's the deal…

In the wake of their legal tête-à-tête, Staub has filed a motion to dismiss her ex's defamation suit against her.

Brief recap for those who have a life haven't been following the ins and outs of the case: ex Kevin Maher is seeking $5 million from his real ex-housewife, claiming she damaged his reputation by alleging that Maher was, among other damning accusations, a rapist, a cokehead and a dog killer.

Staub denies saying those things, but claims that, even if she did (aren't qualifiers grand?), she couldn't do any more damage to his reputation than his infamous tell-all, Cop Without a Badge, already did.

Backing up her stance that she never uttered such allegations, Staub's motion argues that she cannot legally be held liable for the statements since Maher has no proof that she ever made them. Or (and there's that qualifier, again) that the statements caused him any harm. You know, if she did say them. Which she didn't.

Instead, she says the onus is on Maher for repeating the alleged slams to the press, including releasing a copy of his complaint in which the allegations appear to E! Online. (Aww, are we blushing?)

Regardless, it was in this leaked complaint that the complaint, "'Ms. Staub stated that [Maher] inserted a handgun inside of defendant and played Russian Roulette' first appeared."

She claims that the statement couldn't have come from her as she hasn't spoken to or of Maher since 1991.

Maher, for his part, per a transcript of Friday's mediation sessions, seems justly concerned with the allegations. And, apparently, didn't see anything wrong with lobbing a few back her way.

"Danielle—Beverly Merrill, Danielle Staub—is in my opinion a nymphomaniac," he said. "She wanted sex everywhere, any way she could get it and there was nothing that I ever did that remotely resembled rape."

Still, there was one allegation Maher didn't back down from during his deposition: "There was cocaine involved in basically every day" of his life with Staub. While he admits he once told the reality star "I'll kill you," he claims he never actually put a gun to her.

As if that makes it all better.

Incidentally, while he denies the specific allegations put forth (allegedly) by Danielle, Maher didn't do his reputation any favors during the questioning, admitting that there was some "overlap" between his marriage to his first wife and his marriage to Danielle.

The relationship ultimately ended not because of his Big Love tendencies, but because Staub, whom he claims to have met at a "cocaine party" shortly after her release on kidnapping charges (winners, all of them), cheated on him.

Barring any breaks in their mediation, the duo's trial is slated to begin on Feb. 16.

—Additional reporting by Whitney English

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