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    Bitch-Back! Liam's Out...So When Will Nick Be In?

    Miley Cyrus, Nick Jonas Rob Hoffman/JBE/Getty Images

    Dear Ted:
    So Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth broke up. I'm not saying I'm surprised, but at the same time, I thought it would be a while before they called it quits since I think they're more solid than Nick Jonas and Miley were at that stage. When do you think Nick should swoop in and pick up the hurting Miley? Should he let another guy get in and take the fall as the rebound?
    —Tara

    Dear Holy Niley, Batman!
    So many thoughts, so little text space! Although I highly disagree that Liam and Miley could ever be called "solid" (or at least as solid as the bond that Niley shares), I think it'll take Miley some time before she'll publicly step out with Nick again...if, indeed, the little Jonas steps up to the plate when it counts. There's no reason he should wait it out—sometimes the rebound guy becomes the guy, love. Just look at how well Brad Pitt's rebound turned out for him.

    Dear Ted:
    I'm new to the True Blood scene and found that Alexander Skarsgård was in Zoolander, and quite hilarious at that. Do you think he has a future in comedy or that he'll most likely be better off on some other drama?
    Nug

    Dear Alexander the Great:
    I vote comedy, but he's pursuing the whole drama thing, which I guess I'll admit is right up his alley. Although his upcoming drama flick with Rihanna based on the board game Battleship is probably gonna be pretty damn funny, if you ask me.

    Dear Ted:
    I know you're excited about Angelina Jolie playing the Liz Taylor role in Cleopatra, and some hope Brad Pitt may play Mark Antony, but come on, that movie is going to be a cheesefest. Wouldn't it be nice to see the two of them star in something that had Oscar potential written all over it?
    —Single

    Dear Say What?
    Doll, I'm not excited about Angie in Cleopatra—I'm mortified. But I accept it as beyond my control and will watch through gritted teeth while I imagine what the lovely Snooki would have hilariously done to the role. I would like to see a Mr. and Mrs. Smith redux on Brad's part, though. Something to show us that he's not the frail, bearded father of six that he's sure been looking like lately.

    Dear Ted:
    In regards to all the Taylor Lautner "diva-tude," is it really all coming from the 18 year old or partly from his manager/father-dearest? Is Taylor trying to come into his own or is he being pushed by an overbearing parent?
    —Susan

    Dear Daddie Dearest:
    Like I've said before, it's not all Taylor's pop. But wouldn't you be surprised to know that little Taylor has been trying to come into his own for a long time now and it's always other folks who keep telling him no. After a while, the pressure's gotta get to ya, right?

    Dear Ted:
    Although, I am absolutely no fan of the idiocy that is the Palin family, how hilarious was it that Levi Johnston was trying very hard to go Hollywood, but Bristol went behind his back and got into Dancing With the Stars so sneakily? Would've loved to have seen his face when he learned it. What do you think his reaction was? Hopefully this will shake him up a bit and remind him that everyday is PR day, whether on a red carpet or buying a latte!
    —Capella

    Dear Dancing With Levi:
    I would say he was probably dumbfounded, but that seems to be his daily go-to for facial expressions, no? The guy's got as much emotion as a Botoxed bimbo.

    Dear Ted:
    Any truth to the rumors about Jake Gyllenhaal and Rachel Bilson coupling up?
    —Moo

    Dear Hardly:
    None so far on my end. Although that sounds like it'd be quite the little career juicer for both parties, don't you think?

    Dear Ted:
    I've only been reading your column for a couple of weeks so you've probably answered this, but if a Blind Vicer dies, do you ever reveal their identity, or are you bound to keep silent? If you do reveal, can you give an example (cough, Michael Jackson, cough)?
    —Dalia

    Dear Too Soon?
    Quite the moral dilemma. I have never revealed a posthumous Blind—perhaps out of sympathy for the deceased, or perhaps because it just wouldn't do justice to anyone (not even myself) to put another gossipy playing card on the table. I have more respect than that, love.

    Dear Ted:
    Hayden Christensen
    's been on a bunch of talk shows lately promoting his latest film, and, although he is pretty hot, I can't for the life of me figure out why he, out of that entire cast, would be the one they send out! He looks like he's on drugs and can't figure out quite what he's doing there himself. Does this have something to do with his breakup from Rachel Bilson, or is that really just his regular personality?
    —Em

    Dear Hatin' on Hayden:
    Hayden's always been one of those quirky, what's-he-talking-about kind of guys. You know, exactly the same mannerisms as in those silly Star Wars movies he did (ever heard of ‘em?). I can't say that his personality malfunctions are a direct result of Bilson breaking his heart. Or did he break hers? Hmmm...

    Dear Ted:
    Do the people surrounding Nevis Divine know about his taste for the opposite sex? You said before that he keeps a tight circle, so I assume his friends know, but what about people he works with? Costars? Crewmembers? Producers? Is his bi-sexuality a common rumor out there, or does he try to keep it super hush-hush?
    —H

    Dear Well-Known:
    Puss, everyone's in on the goss except for his fans. But those who work with him know how important it is to keep quiet, for the sake of his career and the future of theirs!

    Dear Ted:
    Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway have incredible chemistry in Brokeback Mountain and the upcoming Love and Other Drugs ( lots of nudity and sex ). A couple of months ago on Jimmy Kimmel, Jake enthusiastically spoke about how much fun he had being nude with Anne in Love and Other Drugs. Can you see this dynamic duo being an offscreen couple? If they ever decided to have a real-life romantic relationship , I truly believe they would be more explosive than Brad and Angelina or Robert and Kristen.
    —Jen

    Dear Remember, Remember:
    Anne only dates douchebags, it would appear, based on what we interpret as her disastrous dating record. Jakey's way too nice for Anne—even though she totally deserves a nice guy like him.

    Dear Ted:
    Has Viggo Mortensen ever been a B.V.? I absolutely love him, and he did spend several years with those B.V.-worthy Hobbits in Middle Earth. Did they rub off on him?
    —LOTR Lover

    Dear Viggo Go Go:
    Oh, yeah. One of my (and readers') all-time favorites!

    Dear Ted:
    My heart broke a little during this year's Emmy awards. It seems like every time the camera cut to Tina Fey during the show, she had on a resolute bitch face. Every single time. Please tell me my No. 1 girl crush isn't the rude person she appeared to be at the Emmys...
    —Erin

    Dear Timid Tina:
    What? I think we were watching different shows, dearest. Tina seemed to be having the time of her life last night! Maybe she flashed some bitchiness when 30 Rock failed to get any love from Emmy, but you can't blame a girl?

    Dear Ted:
    I like how you stood up for Mariah Carey—and you're right, it's rude to say someone's pregnant just because they offer up no other evidence other than some plumpness. But now that Nick Cannon's blabbing everywhere, what's your verdict? Pregnant or not?
    —Eve

    Dear I Couldn't Carey Less:
    I say preggers, but only because Nick has been dropping hints left and right. The dude needs to shut up and let the lady speak for herself!

    Follow @theawfultruth on Twitter!

    _______

    Check out more mail in our Bitch-Back! archives.

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