If you're like us, you've spent your week immersed in Justin Bieber: First Step 2 Forever, the Mein Kampf of teen sensation autobiographies. But now that you've turned that final page and are killing time waiting for the miniseries version of the book, Leave It to Bieber, take a moment to delight in what you missed in the world of Soup.
1. The Real Housewives of New Jersey: Danielle Staub gets no respect. Certainly not from herself, nor clearly from the rest of the housewives. But then again, how much respect can you give to a Garden Stater who confuses Tony Soprano's wife with a candy bar?
Don't stop now, kids! The fun is just beginning!
2. Big Brother: One hundred percent straight dude Matt is from Texas. And he wants to make one thing clear: When you have a dream about another man, you keep it to yourself. And protest loudly about keeping it to yourself. That way, you're definitely straight.
3. The Rachel Zoe Project: Rich and successful Rachel's longtime hubby Roger doesn't have to work. As long as he's willing to follow his wife like a puppy. A puppy who dresses like a flaming metrosexual.
4. The 2010 Miss Universe Pageant: Somehow, the trifecta of William Baldwin, Bret Michaels and Miss Phillippines adds up to a lot of pointless jabber. No wait, that makes perfect sense.
5. The Ultimate Catch: Chad Ochocinco likes his hot tubs hot. Which may not please his date who whines about her seared vajayjay, but at least he won't be catching anything, ultimately.
Still need more, you insatiable Soup fan? (Joel, we've explained this to you a thousand times.) Then check out the video gallery!