We've taken the liberty of freshly brewing a cup of scoop and preparing your news over easy:
SITUATIONAL HAZARD: Maybe ABC should take a page from a playbook that isn't stolen all the time. We've already been told by the utmost reliable sources that Bristol Palin, Michael "The Situation" Sorrentino, Michael Bolton, David Hasselhoff, Florence Henderson, Audrina Patridge, Rick Fox, Brandy, Margaret Cho and Jennifer Grey, who's already practicing her lifts (with Derek Hough!), are in it to win it this season on Dancing WIth the Stars. Oh, and ABC will be unveiling the lineup Monday during Bachelor Pad.
OUT AND ABOUT: Lindsay Lohan, who may or may not understand the meaning of the term sponsor, was discharged after 23 days of inpatient treatment at UCLA Medical Center, leaving her free to attend counseling four times a week, submit to random drug testing twice a week, go to AA or likeminded meetings five times a week and not leave California. If she breaks the rules, into the slammer she goes for 30 days. Sure, Lindsay's new routine doesn't leave a lot of time for making a spectacle of herself, but she'll have to get used to it.
SINGLE IN THE USA: Miley Cyrus, being 17 and all, isn't in the mood to be in a serious relationship anymore. Good for her. But 17 is also that age when playing "Everybody Hurts" on repeat for five hours seems like an appropriate response to the slightest of slights, so we feel for her in case Liam Hemsworth wasn't the best boyfriend. Or, maybe Miley doesn't care one bit.
DISGRACE OF CAKES?: Cake Boss star decorator Remegio "Remy" Gonzalez is behind bars in New Jersey and facing criminal sex charges for allegedly assaulting a minor. A police affidavit states that Gonzalez confessed to having relations with the alleged victim on at least two occasions.
TAKING A MULLIGAN: Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren are no longer married after a judge signed off on their fast-tracked divorce. Elin admits she's "been through hell," Tiger admits to making "a lot of errors" and all the money and kid stuff has been hammered out. Considering he probably doesn't find promiscuity that exciting anymore, maybe Tiger will finally take up competitive golf again.
FEUDAL TIMES: John Mayer vs. The Huffington Post (e.g. "Go f--k yourself") for daring to suggest he and Jennifer Aniston were back on...Levi Johnston returns to the Early Show to cast another stone at the Palin family...Drew Barrymore harps on "bitch" reporter who previously harped on Drew's troubled adolescence...Paul McCartney's no rocket man...Sean Penn objects to the word feud when it comes to him and Wyclef Jean...Bill O'Reilly feels the need to mention Kim Kardashian and Justin Bieber's perceived missteps.
BABY TALK: John Travolta and Kelly Preston are having a boy...She's 4, not a baby anymore, but Larry Birkhead caught us up on all things Dannielynn...Army Wives' Catherine Bell welcomes her second child with hubby Adam Beason.
WEDDING BELLS: Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer take a bite out of marriage...Julio Iglesias makes an honest woman of his partner of 20 years, Miranda Rijnsburger.
BROKEN BELLS: Already separated, Jana Kramer files for divorce from Johnathon Schaech after two months of marriage...Cheryl Hines' husband, Paul West, files for divorce after eight years.
LAW & ORDER: As the court turns around Leonardo DiCaprio, the actor secures a restraining order and his face-slasher is ordered to trial...Chris Brown acing probation so far...First, Paris Hilton's alleged intruder gets a gun pulled on him by her boyfriend Cy "Dirty Harry" Waits, then he's charged with attempted burglary...Mel Gibson domestic violence case goes to D.A., sheriff's investigators still toiling on Oksana Grigorieva's alleged extortion plot...Still no prison for Wesley Snipes as he pushes for new trial...More charges for Montana Fishburne...Paul Hogan stuck in Australia...Sons of Anarchy biker popped on the road... George Michael admits to using and driving...Faith Evans busted for DUI.
CIVIL WARS: Taylor Lautner feels he didn't get the trailer he deserves...Lindsay probably appreciates the break from criminal court, anyway...No resolution in the Kanye West-Suge Knight beef...Randy Quaid takes himself to court.
TRAUMA CENTER: Whoopi Goldberg drops out of Sister Act on the London stage after mom suffers a stroke...Timbaland turns out to be completely fine, though his wife and mother-in-law feared he was suicidal over a lost watch...Sofia Vergara's boyfriend, Nick Loeb, recovering after getting banged up in a car crash...Katharine McPhee "sore but OK" after a car wreck...Fantasia Barrino opens up about her suicide attempt.
FAREWELL: Nancy Dolman, Martin Short's wife of 30 years, dies at 58.
KEEPING UP: The Kardashian sisters get sexy for Entertainment Weekly...Kim anxiously awaits Justin Bieber's 18th b-day...Kourtney and Khloé take their Scott Disick disagreement to Twitter.
TV LAND: The Creative Arts Emmys kick off a very celebratory week...Mexico's Jimena Navarrete crowned Miss Universe 2010...Kara DioGuardi wanted off of Idol, not the other way around?...Little People, Big World ending on TLC...Will Forte leaving Saturday Night Live...Meet the new Apprentice cast...and the new Biggest Loser cast...Check out AMC's The Walking Dead...SPOILER ZONE!
FILM SCHOOL: Angelina Jolie officially making her feature directorial debut...Jeremy Renner could join Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible IV...Kristen Bell and Anna Paquin signing on for Scream 4...Francis Ford Coppola among honorary Oscar recipients...Katie Holmes in talks to do a comedy with Adam Sandler and Al Pacino...Jessica Alba headed to Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World...James Franco exerts himself in the 127 Hours trailer.
MUSICAL NOTES: Joel Madden brings Harlow along for a Good Charlotte promo...Drake wanted people to believe that Nicki Minaj was the best he'd ever had...
AFTERLIFE SAVINGS: Movies, TV and books with vampires in them have grossed $7 billion over the past two years.
SEEN: Jessica Simpson, looking too big for a blind few, gorgeous for most on her way to a charity luncheon in West Hollywood...Kate Winslet and model boyfriend Louis Dowler having a date night in London...Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens vacationing in Maui...Britney Spears baking on the beach in Hawaii...David Arquette throwing a 21st-birthday party for Hayden Panettiere in Ann Arbor, Mich....Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz picking up toys for Bronx at Target in L.A....Justin Bieber and his dad riding waves in Barbados.
EMMY PREVIEW: E! Online will be bringing you its most extensive Emmys coverage yet this Sunday, from the red carpet to backstage to the afterparties. In the meantime, check out all of our preview features and get your glamour engine going by oohing and aahing over the most fabtastic looks from ceremonies past. And we can already report that Conan won't be joking about NBC if he wins Outstanding Host for The Tonight Show.
SUMMER LOVIN': Have you been keeping up with our Best of Summer 2010 polls and galleries? Pick your faves in all sorts of categories and then page through dozens of pictures for a quick refresher course in all things hot from the last couple months.
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Nothing gets by us—especially if it's on Twitter! Check out our Big on Twitter gallery to see what folks are saying about Lady Gaga, Drake's fake marriage and, as usual, Justin Bieber.