Justin Bieber

Sonja Flemming/CBS

Dear Ted:
I've been wondering about Justin Bieber...I by no means have Bieber fever, but I think he is a bit adorable and seems like a good kid. Everyone seems to be out to get him, and I just want to know if he has come down with a bad case of diva-tude or is he just being a typical 16-year-old boy (with obvious perks!).

Dear Breaking Biebs:
The former. But then again, can you blame the little guy for having a giant ego when he's the hottest tween sensation since the JoBros? Plus his diva demands aren't that drastic...yet. I mean, he's not exactly pulling a Taylor Lautner or anything. But give him time. He's still pretty young, remember.

Dear Ted:
When are we going to see Fake à La Ferocity and her equally evil partner get their karmic justice?

Dear Karma Catastrophe:
Sure, karma's a bitch, and Fake à la can be one too, but she's not that evil, per se. I feel bad for the babe and her nasty drug habit that she just can't kick (whether she wants to or not is up for debate). Give her a break, huh? And her poor partner is hardly demonic.

Dear Ted:
Is Clay Aiken really more humorless than R.Pattz? Well, let's see. Rob, presumably trying to be funny, tells interviewers he hates vaginas and rarely if ever showers. Except for a few frat boys, is anyone amused by that? Clay, on the other hand, has been getting giggles all month from his stint on Phineas & Ferb, the Disney cartoon. Question two: Does Clay Aiken have more sex appeal than Rob? OK, here I suspect you'll find it easier to answer. You've heard all the ugly jokes told about Clay early in his career (especially by Conan O'Brien who will never be one of my white knights.) But if you dig up some photos of Clay in his skinny mode and compare them to photos of Rob in his less-scruggy mode, you'll see the difference is not all that great. Anyway, it's all a matter of taste, isn't it?

Dear Aiken for Answers:
Really, K? First of all, Rob may not be a stand-up comedian, but he does (generally) have a sense of humor about himself, especially dealing with the whole Twinomenon. Clay, on the other hand, takes himself way too seriously—whether he can make little kids giggle or not. As for the second Q, well, I'm not even going to justify that with a response because if you really cannot figure that out on your own, no one will be able to help you.

Dear Ted:
My family has been a long time rescuer of post-hurricane kittens, and my little 18-year-old kitty, Ashley, loves your juicy B.V.s. But she's got a question: Her beloved Colton Haynes isn't Crescent Kumquat , right? She thinks he's a cutie, and isn't sure his out-of-this-world friend(s) would appreciate C.K.'s particular flavor of ding-dong-ditch. Colton seems much more relaxed, right? The type who'd enjoy mimosas in the morning.

Dear Kum 'n' Go:
Tell your kitty sorry for me but her celeb crush isn't our Cres. Colton is indeed a cutie but many more people think that Cresent is one too—that's just be because he's a lot more famous that noobie Haynes, though.

Dear Ted:
I've been following you for years (not in a stalkerish way), and my rescue kitty, Sparks (found him on the Fourth of July) and I would like to know if David Boreanaz is making a genuine effort to turn his life around and become the man we always hoped he was?
—Big Bee

Dear Bored with Boreanaz:
He's genuinely trying to make people believe that he's making a genuine effort.

Dear Ted:
I only just discovered your column at the beginning of this year, when I was newly employed at my first big-girl job. Now that I am between careers, I have found time to find my new obsession, Chris Evans. This hunk is everything to me: beautiful, talented, funny, seemingly down to earth and the newest lead for Marvel as Captain America. Can you tell me anything about this guy? Blind Vice tendencies or good guy all around? What about him and Jessica Biel way back when? This would make my unemployed day much better as I keep searching or think about getting my masters. I myself am trying to quit smoking while in this slump! I know how hard it is going back and forth.

Dear Biel Leftovers:
Don't let any semblance of a relaysh with J.Biels fool you; Chris is quite the stand-up stud. So weird when the hot muffins turn out that way, huh? No Blind Vice territory here but he's only getting more famous—and that means more likely to Vice, naturally. But as a little present why don't you take a peep at these classic Flaunt pics, they'll take your mind of job searching for a bit.

Dear Ted:
What's up with Eartha Bertha ? A good-natured girl in Hollywood? That can't possibly last long. Any Vicey woodland creatures in her life now or is she sticking to calm waters these days?

Dear Big Bertha:
Eartha has been nothing but naughty lately. Not between the sheets though, which is exactly the point.

Dear Ted:
Now that Elin Nordegren has rid herself of her now ex-husband with questionable morals that I will not name, what would you think of pairing her with our other beautiful Swede, Alexander Skarsgård? I don't know how well their personalities would mesh, but they would certainly make a gorgeous pair. Think of the beautiful kids they would produce. And let's be honest, she's definitely a step up from Kate Bosworth. I think he needs a classy lady like Elin.

Dear Bizzaro:
What a totally random pairing, Court. Sure, they'd make totally beautiful babies together, but to be honest, Eli and Alex have less in common than Elin and Tiger. Plus, try prying A.Skars away from Kate Bosworth for even a second.

Dear Ted:
I would really like to know if there is any truth to the infamous so-called "friends" of famous movie stars who constantly—or more accurate weekly—blab to trash mags about somebody else's business. And I am not talking of those who support the actors but those who get them into trouble. That doesn't make sense to me! Is this the new sport in Hollywood to blab about your famous friends to gossip mags and trash them at the same time?

Dear Spill It:
Hell, yes. In Hollywood that saying "keep your friends close and enemies closer" doesn't really work, 'cause they could be the same friggin' people. But plenty of folks with famous pals won't hesitate to make a pretty penny off selling secrets (though, to be fair, some talkers tight with T-town players will only dish the dirt if they know their A-list bestie will be treated nicely).

Dear Ted:
Thanks for throwing us B..V addicts a mid-week bone! While pondering the identity of Pepper Harthman , I just couldn't help but wonder, why do you think we goss fiends would give two hoots about this dude? Is it possibly because he is married to someone notable? Kisses and shelter love!

Dear Pep Rally:
Because sports stars are just as big of celebrities as actors and musicians these days, T. Or would you rather have me skip all the juicy details about hotties like David Beckham or the sleazy Tiger Woods types?

Dear Ted:
With all this talk about who will go full frontal first in True Blood, did you notice that when Eric Northman (Alexander Skarsgård) staked Talbot, he was shown almost full frontal? I rechecked that scene several times, and the last part of him we haven't seen is mostly visible. We have only a tip still left to be revealed?
—Waiting for the tip of the iceberg

Dear Homo Erectus:
Seems like you're in need of a cold shower (and maybe a new DVR with all that rewinding). Between you and the panty poofers, the Bitch-Back is turning into friggin porn! But trust, I'm as excited as you for those True Blood studs to drop trou.

Dear Ted:
You recently said Nevis Divine hasn't been getting any bedroom time with his guy or his gal lately. That makes me sad. Is it because they haven't been in the same town? Or maybe there's trouble in alternative-lovin' paradise? My adopted black lab, Baylor, sends big licks!

Dear Three's a Crowd:
Trust, babe, he hasn't been lonely—that's for sure—but, as always, conflicted. Which doesn't exactly lead to magical nights in his mansion's bedroom.

Follow Team Awful (@theawfultruth @taryder @snarc @jtyboone @snoopdogg) on Twitter!


Looking for more B.V. clues? Check out previous Bitch-Backs.

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