Week in Review: Out With the Old, in With the Kardashians, NPH's Twins and a Robsten Kiss

There's no room for fuddyduddies in a world where Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart may actually be carrying on off-camera

Consuming this whole review at once will fulfill your daily requirements of calcium, vitamin D, folic acid, iron and that hard-to-pin-down potassium.

THEY'RE BAAACK: Out with the taking of Miami and back to Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Season five premieres Sunday and will immediately start answering your questions about how Kourtney went from ditching to dating Scott Disick, the truth about Kim's dating life, whether Kris approves of Kendall and Kylie's modeling careers (what do you think?), and Khloé's "crazy, harsh bitch[iness]." Kim's also making the rounds on a calendar, the cover of Elle and the Emmys.

RENDEZ-OOH: Is this Bel Air pad really where Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart spend quality canoodle time when they're in town and want to do stuff like this in private?

WHOA BABIES!: Neil Patrick Harris and partner David Burtka are having twins, one boy and one girl, and we think they're going to be great dads (though we wonder how they met their mother)...Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr are starting with just one...One Tree Hill's Bethany Joy Galeotti and hubby expecting their first.

POT SHOTS:  Tila Tequila was in the wrong place at the wrong time when Insane Clown Posse fans pelted her with rocks and, so she tells us, man poop (hey, we're not sexist, maybe there was some girl poop, too) at the Gathering of Juggalos festival in southern Illinois. Yeah, she probably shouldn't have gone at all after hearing that the crowd was out to get her...Adrienne Curry also survived a bunch of nasty fans at a Star Wars convention.

J.SHOW: Jennifer Aniston is never really out of the news, but this month she's been busy promoting The Switch, so there's so much more fodder for the P.R. bazooka. She fielded more questions about Bill O'Reilly's bombast, said the word "retard" on morning television (Obama could have told her that the Special Olympics, shhh, have spies everywhere) and TK. And to think, if she had just married Jon Stewart back in the day, maybe none of this would have ever happened.

WEDDING BELLS: Hilary Duff made it to the goal with NHL player Mike Comrie, looking quite lovely...George Clooney still not engaged.

BROKEN BELLS: Elisabeth Moss and Fred Armisen done? The obviously not mad man is supposedly dating an SNL costar already...No more upcoming wedding for Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood...Back to the drawing board for Millionaire Matchmaker guru Patti Stanger...Jude Law's original scorned ex, Sadie Frost, penning a tell-all about her descent into mental illness following their breakup. Oh, bloody 'ell.

RACE MATTERS: Dr. Laura Schlessinger is leaving radio after her contract ends this year. Isn't it just so unfair how white people get so much grief for using the N-word?!

DISCLOSURE: Michael Douglas is undergoing radiation and chemo to blast a tumor in his throat. We hope it works.

MOTHER, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!: The truth about the Simon Monjack-Sharon Murphy bed-sharing story.

BLOOM OF HEALTH: Lindsay Lohan might not be so unbalanced after all. Her lawyer has indicated that there's something to the reports that the still-rehabbing starlet doesn't suffer from a perfect storm of mental maladies. She might not even be addicted to anything(!) and could just be suffering the effects of too much Adderall, meaning spending only 30 days in treatment may truly suffice. It's still up to the judge, of course, to decide when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em. And then we'd like Lindsay to tell us all about it for less than $1million.

PLASTIC MAN: Plastic surgeon to the stars (and others) Dr. Frank Ryan was tragically killed in a solo rollover crash in Malibu. CHP is investigating the circumstances. Celebrity patients like Lisa Rinna and Janice Dickinson attended a candlelight vigil in their beloved doc's honor, though their collective flammability required they didn't get too close to the candles.

DOING THE D? Kat von D ate dinner with Jesse James in Vegas and has "a lot of respect" for him. And she has a lot of tattoos, meaning it's probably so on. (Especially now that Sandra Bullock wants only the best for her ex.)

CRASH, NO BURN: Mel Gibson emerged unscathed (and uncited) after wrecking his Maserati on Malibu Canyon. Perhaps he told the responding officers that he was on his way to synagogue, though that could be considered overkill.

STANDARD & PORN: Montana Fishburne's antics, including this nudie magazine cover, have the Answer B!tch wondering why sex for money on camera is OK if sex for money in someone's front seat isn't.

VETOED: Would-be Haitian presidential candidate Wyclef Jean didn't even make it till November. The nation's electoral council ruled him ineligible to run for the presidency.

LAW & ORDER: Being annoying is considered a crime in Jersey, as is disorderly conduct, eh Snooki and Ronnie?...Madonna sued by the other Material Girl...Larry Birkhead takes the stand, seems to be helping Howard K. Stern...Idoler Chikezie Eze pays for his crime with community labor...Salon owner accused of using celebrities' credit card info (eg. Name as it appears on card: Liv Tyler) to shop...Two fewer legal issues for Lindsay...Bret Michaels sues promoter...Warner Bros. isn't a fan of Harry Potter-inspired condoms...Oksana Grigorieva in court for child custody issues...Ted Nugent deered to kill a king's dare...Gabrielle Union off the hook for union-busting...Michael Lohan off the hook for Major offenses...Courtney Love settles her manager's Nirvana money lawsuit...Edward Furlong restrained for allegedly Gibsonesque voice mails...Ice-T "INNOCENT"...Erykah Badu fined for lacking finery in public...Jet Blue jumper Steven Slater hires damage-control (and regular P.R.) specialist Howard Bragman...Girlicious singer maintains innocence...Oprah Winfrey's cable network not up and running yet, except in court.

FILM SCHOOL: Rooney Mara is The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo deal...New Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows pics!...Renée Zellweger bugs out with Bradley Cooper in the Case 39 trailer...I'm Still Here trailer starring Joaquin Phoenix-and-beard...Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis creeping up the Black Swan trailer...Russell Crowe prepared to help Elizabeth Banks escape from jail in The Next Three Days trailer.

TV LAND: They serve vodka, so Chelsea Handler is hosting the MTV Video Music Awards...Tyra Banks apologizes, makes publicity opportunity out of, Top Model ad spotlighting a teeny-tiny waist...No big deal, just Gossip Girl deleted scenes...Mariah Carey could join Steven Tyler—if that is indeed the new judge's name—on American Idol...Piper Perabo banged up on the set of Covert Affairs...Scott Caan's knee isn't 100 percent, Hawaii Five-0 waits...Real Housewives of New Jersey is a woman down...Teresa Giudice not as bankrupt as the court thought or just dumber than everyone thought?...SPOILER ZONE.

MUSICAL NOTES: Lee DeWyze's debut album drops Nov. 16...NKOTB hitting the road with BSB?...Alt-folk duo Swell Season are "shocked and saddened" by a suicide at their concert...Courtney Love sent daughter Frances Bean Cobain off to her own personal war for her 18th birthday...Kings of Leon take no pride in Glee...Conan O'Brien releasing two albums on Jack White's label...Fantasia Barrino gearing up for Back to Me promo tour.

FAREWELL: Paul Stephen Rudd, TV and Broadway actor, died of cancer at 70.

SEEN: Demi Lovato turning legal at Buddakan in NYC...Newlywed Hilary Duff honeymooning in Cabo San Lucas...Zac Efron, his new beard and Vanessa Hudgens landing at JFK International Airport...Vienna Girardi and new man John Sala hitting up Soho House in Hollywood...Lady Gaga checking out Cirque du Soleil's KÀ at Las Vegas' MGM Grand...Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton pointedly ignoring each other at Lavo in Vegas.