Bitch-Back! Is Julia Roberts Eat Pray Over?

Readers wonder if the A-lister can still open a movie

Dear Ted:
Despite all attempts to open Eat Pray Love with no published reviews, enough came in under the radar to indicate it would be a real lightweight, kinda predictable flick: a little blah. Does Julia Roberts still have what it takes to open a film, or could this be an expensive middling effort no one will remember for long? Pretty scenery, nice to look at Javier Bardem, but not a whole lotta real chemistry coming from the pretty woman. Rescue kitten Little Rain sends Uncle Ted a big purr.
—RainsMom

Dear Runaway Box Office:
I don't think Julia has to worry about selling tickets—she's the definition of A-list, even if you don't agree with me (which it seems a vocal portion of you don't)—and she surely knows it too. As for being "lightweight" and "kinda predictable," um, did you see the trailer? Of course it is. The movie will do exactly what it's supposed to do, you can count on that. Purr right back to Little Rain!

Dear Ted:
After watching the Dina Lohan interview, my only thought was for Lindsay. If there is a fair universe, may she'll stay the full 90 days in rehab, and may the powers that be keep her family from visiting. How blind can you get? And how dumb do you think people are? Dina Lohan is beyond redemption. Here's hoping her daughter still has a chance.
—Rita

Dear Dina-saur:
Can you just imagine Lindsay's potential if she didn't have these two a-holes as her parents? Well, I guess she'd technically not exist at all then, but you know what I mean. They're both just awful—obviously, Dina being more horrible. And you can just forget any notion about a fair universe right now.

Dear Ted:
I'm in my death bed, blind in one eye from damage suffered due to prolonged hours reading your blog trying to figure out who Toothy Tile is (my nurse typed this email). I've given up on Toothy, but all I want from life is one night with Crotch Uh-Lastic. Any chance Crotch swings a little toward the other side of the fence or might enjoy a trip there if the grass was green and fresh enough on the other side?
—Dying to Know

Dear Kicked in the Crotch:
Love, Crotch Uh-Lastic is as gay as they come. He practically came out of the womb waving a rainbow flag.

Dear Ted:
You crack me up and make me think, once in a while, which I must admit is an accomplishment. One thing that made me laugh was your remark regarding celebs and their "people" contacting you about your brilliant Vices...and that they even get it wrong, sometimes! My question: Are the celebs contacting you A-lists or Z-lists or a nice mix?
—Sugarsnap

Dear Casablanca Crackdown:
A-list, of course. But don't they understand that it's just admitting to the naughty behavior when these superstars can identify themselves by antic and not name? When will they learn, I say.

Dear Ted:
No sleep till...Montreal! Yeah, that was pretty lame. I'll blame it on the recent set pics of Robert Pattinson that are out. The Beastie Boys shirt with the "colorful" saying on the back got me thinking. I'm sure Rob is grateful for the fame, moola and girlfriend that has accompanied Twilight, but could it be possible that he's starting to get really pissed off at the media attention and also the intrusiveness of the paparazzi? I know he's a nice guy, but everyone has a breaking point, right?
—Bubble

Dear Late to the Game:
You're just now figuring out that Rob maybe doesn't like the paps following him everywhere? Where have you been, babe?

Dear Ted:
What is the deal with Charlie Sheen? The man has a history of domestic violence ("accidentally" shooting Kelly Preston, the incident with that porn star he dated) and attacked his most recent wife with a knife, not to mention the drug issues. Why does the court sweep it under the rug, and why do Hollywood and the public continue to line his pockets? The man obviously has a problem he won't deal with. As an advocate for women, I would expect you to be incensed...He doesn't at least deserve a Morning Piss?
—X

Dear Been There:
I haven't exactly been silent on the subject.

Dear Ted:
Do you think Judas Jack-off and Dashed Dingle-Dream would go as far as having children with their beards in order to maintain their hetero charade?
—Curious

Dear Daddy Dearest:
Maybe someday way, way off in the distance. I definitely wouldn't put it past ‘em. They're feeling secure with their secret at the moment—question is, how long will that last?

Dear Ted:
I see you noted Cory Monteith as "naive," and are perhaps trying to hint at something? Can you explain further?
—Claire Louise

Dear The In Crowd:
Not trying to hint at anything, Claire, I pretty much said it: Cory is pretty friggin' naïve when it comes to Hollywood, fame, and the hotties that come with it. He's learning though, just slowly.

Dear Ted:
Reading through the Blind Vices, I was wondering if you could talk more about the beards. So in the instance that one of the persons involved is straight, and they are caught in this sex scandal, how can they continue to keep the secret hidden? I mean I don't blame them for wanting a real love life, but it's hurting their public image, when the public finds out that person A is cheating, then person B gets all the sympathy. It just depresses me that gays cannot be accepted in our society, and that they must do so much to keep their careers.
—Doli

Dear Cheater Cheater:
Clearly you haven't heard of Shafterella Shoshstein, D. That crafty bitch was way involved with an über-fake relaysh but was boinking her secret, side BF (ya know, the real one) the whole time. Never caught once. Again, I say: crafty bitch, huh?

Dear Ted:
In a recent Bitch-Back, and I believe before in another column, you've said how attractive Megan Fox is. I got a bit confused because someone else asked if you could go straight for someone you choose Nikki Reed. Has your opinion changed? Are you now into Ms. Fox?
—D

Dear In the Fox Hole:
Can't a gay guy love more than one gal? But yes, I am definitely Team Fox these days. Über-gorge, which isn't so rare in this town of course, but also brains and a mouth to boot? Love her!

Dear Ted:
Moisty Mohr has me flummoxed. Today my guess is Larry King. I'm probably wrong but looking for your further input and/or hints!
—Jan

Dear Mohr and Mohr:
With how many of you who are dying to know who nasty old Moisty is, I figured you'd keep better track of who I've said he's not. But hell, Larry King is still one of the most popular guesses. Tsk, tsk, Awful Truthers.

Dear Ted:
When I read your Bernadine Couch-Butt's Vice, I immediately thought of Rose McGowan with her Robert Rodriguez dude. But he is a director, not a producer, or is he both? Anyway, could you tell me if I am close? Or maybe tell us if the only woman who succeeded in the business after being dumped by big-shot producer has a B.V. of her own?
—Montreal

Dear King of the Couch:
No B.V. for the babe who survived this sleezy scheme. Kind of surprising, no?

Dear Ted:
I remember you saying one of three Vampire Diaries leads is asshole in real life, but it wasn't Ian Somerhalder. After reading this, looks like Paul Wesley must be the asshole you were referring to. Good, he's an awful actor.
—C

Dear Valley of the Pauls:
Before you start your victory dance, dear, there are two flaws in your logic: First, I never said it was a lead. Just that one of the actors or actresses on the series was getting quite the large, oh-so-very-annoying ego. And second, nowhere in that item did I say Paul was that diva, just that he was less sexy than Ian...and that's only by a smidgen.

Dear Ted:
Recently someone asked if you would ever "not" someone for a B.V. when they were, in fact, the answer to the B.V. You replied, "I would never". As a loyal A.T. reader, I believe you. But there are some doubters out there. Can you do me a solid and reiterate what you've already said...that Nikki Reed and Kellan Lutz are not Terry Tush-Trade?
—Sally

Dear Repeat Offender:
Why can't anyone seem to keep track of who's not a Vice these days? Too busy obsessing about Robsten I guess, huh? Here's a little bisexual cherry with yummy whipped cream on top: It ain't Nikki.