Bitch-Back! Is Kristen Stewart Going for Robert Pattinson’s BFF?

Readers are worried K.Stew is cozying up to Tom Sturridge

Dear Ted:
What the hell is going on? Recently, Kristen Stewart went out with Tom Sturridge to a concert without Robert Pattinson. Then, she went to Canada to film her new movie, On the Road. At that time, Tom went missing. Now, Tom and Kristen are photographed together in Canada. I repeat, what the hell is going on—Tomsten?
—Stacy

Dear Canuck Upchuck:
First of all, have we mentioned lately how much we heart TomStu? Adorable, don't you think? Hopefully we'll be seeing a lot more of him soon (and with what we hear from some big-wig studio execs, we're sure we will). But jeez, Tomsten are pals after all, with or without Rob. You all are taking it the wrong way. If there was trouble with Pattinson and Stewart, surely Rob's BFF wouldn't be hanging with Kristen. Follow? Can't a friend visit a friend without starting a storm of rumors?

Dear Ted:
Hey, Ted, f--k you. What did William Fichtner ever do to you to make you insult him like that? Asshole.
—X

Dear Diane?
Umm, saying he could genetically be related to R.Pattz is hardly an insult. We just don't find W.F. salacious enough for our liking.

Dear Ted:
I always get a bit of a bad vibe whenever I see Ryan Reynolds—don't trust him or his "relationship" with ScarJo one bit. What's the deal with this guy? Any thoughts?
—Claudia

Dear ScarJo No-No:
The guy is drop-dead gorge and has a body like an Adonis, of course he's got some secrets in his closet. But even considering that, his marriage to the blond bombshell is solid...for now.

Dear Ted:
Am I the only one who's noticed Juliette Lewis is in Jennifer Aniston's new movie The Switch? Oh, the irony! The casting director must have a wicked sense of humor to put both those independence-loving, ex-Brad Pitt gals in a movie about baby making.
—Mels

Dear Ex-Factor:
Funny thing is, neither of ‘em care, either!

Dear Ted:
Could Moisty be Hugh Hefner?
—La Joe

Dear C'mon:
That's your best guess? What at all would be shocking about Heffy bedding sleezy bimbos?

Dear Ted:
I'm a little surprised that with your love of the boys from across the pond that you have never written about Aaron Johnson. This dude is seriously smokin' hot. He's wonderfully awkward in interviews, and his love life is totally gossip-worthy. I guess we could call him a DILF. So for this longtime reader and huge fan, any scoop? Did I mention how smokin' he is?
—S

Dear Pond Hopper:
I do love me those Brit boys, that much is true. And while I thought A.J. was totally hot in Kick-Ass, I'm just not sold on his personality yet. And yes, S, I do care about personality. How's that for a shocker today?

Dear Ted:
Have you ever thought of doing the six degrees of separation using Blind Vices? I have a feeling a lot of them run in the same circles.
—Zeppy

Dear Kevin Bacon:
Hell, most of ‘em are less than six. I'm thinking in the two-to-three degrees range.

Dear Ted:
Why is James Franco single? I just don't get it. He's funny, intelligent, works hard on everything he puts his fingers on and has an open mind that could enlighten many. Oh, and he's hot hot hot. Please provide some insight—and a hint to what his B.V. is.
—U

Dear Living Single:
Single? Haven't heard he's cut ties with longtime GF Ahna O' Reilly. They don't exactly have a conventional relaysh since James is mostly work, work, work. As for his B.V., well, he's not so alone when it comes to that either.

Dear Ted:
Why do Gossip Girl producers let Taylor Momsen keep her raccoon-eyed look on the show? It's not very Jenny Humphry if you ask me, and she didn't look like that the first season. It drives me crazy! Also, do you think the whole cast is still as close as they claimed to be when the first season was out?
—CM

Dear Black-Eyed P.O.'d:
Can't say why anyone would even want to rock the "raccoon-eyed" look in the first place, so not attractive. As for whether the cast gets along now, I'd say on the whole, they're at least cordial. Everyone kind of does their own thing. Though, Taylor and Jessica Szohr are fairing the worst, obviously.

Dear Ted:
Has Terry Tush-Trade ever had an intimate relationship with another female castmember of the Twilight series?
—BB

Dear Duh:
Haven't you read Terr's Blind Vices? TTT has had relationships with women and men on the Twi set.

Dear Ted:
Angelina Jolie is beat up in the press for years for "stealing" Brad Pitt. Alicia Keys and Swizz Beatz had a very similar situation, and she has a perfect reputation. You can't tell me Alicia isn't famous. So, is it a race thing, a media thing, or is it a Jen-Aniston-makes-such-a-good-victim thing?
—XXOO

Dear Homewrecker:
Good point. Sure she may be famous, but does anyone really care about Alicia Keys? Point is, she's hardly as famous or infamous as Jolie.

Dear Ted:
I see that many of your loyal fans are writing their suggestions for the lucky starlet to play Lisbeth in Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. Well here's mine...Jenna Malone? Angsty, totally hot, knows her way around indie films, and can actually act. What say you?
—Lo

Dear Tattooed Lady:
One of the better suggestions I've heard, L. And may I just add that I'm way excited for Sucker Punch? Looks like a ton of fun, and who doesn't love girls kicking some serious ass? Heck, I'm even excited to see Vanessa Hudgens in it.

Dear Ted:
I always thought Michael Arangano was a douche long before shipping Kristen with Rob was a hobby of mine. Unfair of me to think so? Or is my douche-dar accurate?
—T-Bag

Dear Ex-Post-Dissing:
Way unfair! What did poor Michael ever do to you? Or us really...we just like Rob better.

Dear Ted:
Did you see the article from Emma Thompson who said that Audrey Hepburn couldn't act and only men liked her. I think this is going to be death for her career. What do you think?
—B

Dear Opinions Are Like Assholes:
Freedom of speech, right? Everyone is entitled to their opinions, whether idiotic (which it was) or not. But trust, this won't be the end of her career—not by a long shot. Sorry, B.

Dear Ted:
So sorry if you've heard this question a zillion times: I know you've said Toothy Tile is aware of his Toothy-ness, but are any of the other B.V.s aware, and if so, are they defensive about it? Do they try to get you to stop writing about them, or is that too much of an admission of "guilt"? If you are able to share, I am wondering which B.V.s are the most skittish about people finding out about them?
—Michelle

Dear Not So Blind:
Oh yes. I've had at least a couple celebs, or their people, natch, call me up and demand I cease and desist. And the kicker is a lot of time the handlers are wrong! Just makes me want to write about them more!