What about Jennifer Aniston's career trajectory reminds you of Barbra Streisand?
Anyway, nevermind about that, it's just that the seemingly disaparate duo made headlines together this week, as did Whoopi Goldberg for tongue-lashing—but not bitch-slapping—Michaele Salahi, and Lindsay Lohan, sheerly for leaving jail exactly when expected.
Happily this week was also a coming-out party of sorts for a betrothed couple who had to play dumb for the last four months, but in reality were just dying to share their infectious cuteness with the world...
BETROTHED: After everyone (producers, editors, Chris Harrison, Ali Fedotowsy herself, etc.) conspired to make it sound as if this season's Bachelorette went home unengaged, the season concluded with dreamy Roberto Martinez popping the question after much "soul-searching." Seriously, you couldn't even be sure he'd picked out a ring until the very end! Now, at least, there's nothing stopping the adorable (for now?) couple from enjoying their togetherness in public.
REAL HEADACHES: Whoopi Goldberg admits to cussing out White House party "guest" Michaele Salahi backstage at The View after hearing that Salahi had accused Goldberg of hitting her. It was someone else who used the word "hit," according to the Real Housewives of D.C. scene-stealer's attorney, but Salahi was pissed off anyway because the View ladies were told beforehand not to call Salahi a gatecrasher. That's alright, Joy and Sherri, America didn't get the memo, either.
FUNNY GIRLS: Harper's Bazaar dolled up Jennifer Aniston to look like Barbra Streisand for a photo spread celebrating the diva's chic and mercurial style. Many loved the concept, though plenty hated it, too, thinking that Aniston isn't fit to tune Babs' microphone. Or, that Streisand's style isn't worth replicating. The legend herself thought the homage lovely, despite the difference in their profiles.
IN TREATMENT: Scott Disick, perhaps sensing how unstable he was going to look on the last couple episodes of Kourtney & Khloé Take Miami, went and got some outpatient treatment for alcohol abuse and started counseling for his behavior issues. It seems to be working, because he and Kourtney looked as happy as klams in the Hamptons last weekend.
COMPREHENSIVE CARE: Lindsay Lohan got out of jail and went straight to UCLA Medical Center's neuropsychiatric hospital, where she's been ordered to spend 90 days getting dual treatment for substance abuse and psychiatric issues.
WRIST SLAP: Charlie Sheen got 30 days in Malibu rehab—instead of 30 days in jail—for assaulting wife Brooke Mueller. Fair?
HAPPY DAY: Celebs of all stripes expressed joy after a federal judge overturned Prop 8, which made gay marriage a nonentity in California. Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi, who tied the knot when they could, and dozens of others, including Kim Kardashian, Adam Lambert and Paris Hilton lit up Twitter with their reactions.
WEDDING BELLS: Chelsea Clinton married Marc Mezvinsky in one of those fairytale, no-fly-zone ceremonies...Expectant parents Alicia Keys and Swizz Beatz made it official on the isle of Corsica...Expectant parents James Van Der Beek and model Kimberly Brook tied the knot in Israel...T.I. celebrated his marriage to Tameka "Tiny" Cottle all weekend...Hilary Duff's nuptials are "imminent."
BREASTED INTEREST: Gisele Bündchen says there should be a law that forces mothers to breastfeed their babies for six months. You can imagine how thousands of formula-utilizing women feel about that.
KIDS TODAY: Amy Poehler and Will Arnett welcomed their second son...OneRepublic frontman Ryan Tedder and wife Genevieve welcomed their first child...Angelina Jolie is patiently still explaining Shiloh's taste in clothes...Lily Allen is expecting her first child...Kristoffer Polaha and Julianne Morris expecting their third...Nineteen may not be enough for the Duggar family.
PRETTY WOMAN: Aspiring porn star Montana Fishburne, daughter of a chagrined Laurence Fishburne, faced a charge of prostitution last year, which she got out of by copping to criminal trespass instead. So does it matter that her probation terms stipulate that she can't have sex for money?
LA DOLCE VITA: Elisabetta Canalis is floating on a gossamer cloud of George Clooney's overwhelming love. And those who don't like it can suck it.
POWER PLAY: Wyclef Jean is running for president of Haiti and fellow do-gooder (and chronic malcontent) Sean Penn has already found plenty to scoff at.
WRIGHT MOVES: Speak of the devil, Sean Penn is now offically divorced from Robin Wright.
TAKE A HIKE: Bristol Palin explains how she showed Levi Johnston the door because he was in a music video that mocked her family. Yes, that is actually the reason she gives.
INJURED: Avril's ex, Deryck Whibley, was hospitalized with undisclosed injuries after being attacked in a Japanese bar...Joseph Gordon-Levitt proudly needed 31 stitches in his arm after smashing into a taxi window on the set of Premium Rush.
DELTA FORCE: Hal Sparks used CPR to help revive a fellow traveler at LAX who went into cardiac arrest in the Delta terminal.
MUSICAL NOTES: MTV Video Music Award nominations are in, especially for Lady Gaga. So who got snubbed?...The Beach Boys won't be giving Katy Perry any trouble...Eminem and Kanye West have polar opposite new videos out...Seth MacFarlane is putting out a big band album, using his normal (aka Brian Griffin's) voice.
TV LAND: Matthew Perry doesn't want to talk about David Schwimmer's directing career...Rosie O'Donnell scores a talk show on Oprah Winfrey's new cable network...Mary Hart leaving Entertainment Tonight after 29 years...Mia Michaels and AdéChiké give their sides of the SYTYCD story...In case you thought she was, Paula Abdul most certainly isn't returning to American Idol, but it looks like Randy Jackson gets to stay...Jeff Goldblum is leaving Law & Order: Criminal Intent.
MOVIE MAGIC: Chris Pine and Denzel Washington in Unstoppable...Christina Aguilera and Cher in Burlesque...Katie Holmes in Afraid of the Dark (which you should not be fooled into thinking is directed by Guillermo del Toro)...Joaquin Phoenix barely Still Here...Jen Aniston getting "provocative" for Horrible Bosses...Sandra Bullock was the highest paid actress of 2009...The second half of Breaking Dawn is due in theaters Nov. 16, 2012. Undead is right...Justin Bieber's going to star in his own biopic.
KEEPING UP: Kim Kardashian isn't quite ready to play home on the range with Dallas Cowboy Miles Austin...Kim's alleged stalker contacted her on Twitter... Khloé and Lamar Odom are collaborating on a unisex fragrance...More autumn-appropriate modeling pics from Kendall Jenner.
LAW & ORDER: Sandra Bullock restrained her interstate über-fan for another three years...Watch video of Naomi Campbell testifying before a war crimes tribunal at the Hague...Leonardo DiCaprio restrained a woman accused of slashing his face at a party...Jeremy London drops bid for injunction against his family...Howard K. Stern's trial on charges of facilitating Anna Nicole Smith's drug habit has begun...Newlywed Swizz Beatz owes $2.4 million in taxes...Tommy Hilfiger's son busted...Jillian Michaels sued for the fourth time this year...Eric Dane settled the copyright infringement suit over his naked tape.
FAREWELL: Dan Resin, TV's Ty-D-Bol man and Dr. Beeper in Caddyshack, died of Parkinson's disease at 79.
POSTMORTEM: Bernie Mac's widow sued his doctor for wrongful death...A final autopsy report lists Simon Monjack's sole cause of death as community-acquired acute bronchopneumonia, same as wife Brittany Murphy...Gary Coleman's estate administrator wants to sell the actor's Utah home for around $320,000...The mansion where Michael Jackson spent his final days is on the market for $28,995,000 million.
SEEN: Emma Watson showing off her closely cropped 'do in NYC...Emma Thompson getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame...Oprah helping President Obama celebrate his 49th birthday in Chicago.
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Check out Heidi Klum and Seal looking at a little picture in The Big Picture gallery. How meta!