Bitch-Back! Not All Celebs Are Beautiful

Ted finally gives in and answers a reader who’s been a long time fan…but not anymore!

Dear Ted:
Sadly, I must admit defeat. I shall never persuade you to give me salacious tidbits about the hot and talented William Fichtner, nor shall I ever persuade myself to care about Robsten so, alas, we part. Let me also just add, although I do in fact have a rescue kitty, and I take very good care of her, I really don't like her all that much.
—Diane

Dear Pussy-Whipped:
Considering that this is your 2,659th email about this man, Diane, I think this is best—for everyone. I'm sure your kitty doesn't like you either, since you spend all your time ogling the very unhot, very not R.Pattz, William Fichtner. Here's a split shot of the two, just so you (and the world) can see how wrong you truly, truly are. But dare we say, don't they look like they could be related, oddly enough? You know, if he was Rob's Benjamin Button-suffering uncle or something? Ta!

Dear Ted:
Your prognostication, please: Yes, Brad Pitt will read Andrew Morton's book on his ladylove Angelina Jolie, or no, he won't even crack it open?
—Kate

Dear Hubby Hunch:
It's just like when Sarah Palin said she watched Tina Fey's SNL impersonation with the sound off. Yeah, right. Brad'll read it, but we won't ever know.

Dear Ted:
I suspect we'll be on a Kristen Stewart blackout for months...She's hit the wall I imagine with all the Twilight press junkets and such. Say it ain't so!
—Smunroe

Dear Stewartless?
Unfortunately, yes. Kris is most likely going to have much lower visibility over the next few months. Well, for everyone else but me, of course.

Dear Ted:
So happy to see Prop 8 bite the dust. Do you think this will lead more performers, artists, and actors to come out?
—Iowa City Jen

Dear Don't H8:
Who knows? That's the excitement of it. Things could stay their crappy same, or this could lead to a whole new status quo.

Dear Ted:
If Eddie Cibrian cheats on his new mistress with his old wife, then who is really being cheated on? Does that make the ex-wife "the other woman" now, even though at one point she was the only woman? It seems hilarious to me that you can cheat on someone with an ex-wife when they're in fact still married. Who's the cheater?
—B

Dear Simple Answer:
Easy, dear. They all are.

Dear Ted:
Heard On the Road has attracted the likes of Viggo Mortensen and Amy Adams...as much as I like them, how does this affect the film? Will it still be an indie-spirited movie? I'm concerned because it seems like the addition of the two newcomers may "eclipse" this potentially great little film.
—PLM

Dear Roadkill:
You sure you're not just worried that they'll overshadow Kristen? Hmmm?

Dear Ted:
There are rumors around that Leo DiCaprio is ready to settle down with Bar Refaeli. You can read rumors about planned proposals and a fall wedding. What's the real deal with them?
—Lilly

Dear Wedding Inception:
Leo and Bar are a closed book, but I said a few weeks ago that there could be a chance the two will settle down—it was only the time line that was screwy. I would be pleasantly surprised if a fall wedding happened—not shocked, but surprised. That said, if Leo went off the market, Taryn Ryder would be pissed.

Dear Ted:
Just lifted this tidbit from Page 6: "Which network executive was fired for overusing his casting couch? The horny TV honcho was demanding oral sex in exchange for roles on his shows and had a fling with an actress known for her accessibility." Any idea who it could be? Either the exec or the actress?
—Irish

Dear Dearly Departed:
Oh, I have a strong feeling I know who this blind item is. Would be uncouth to say who, though—but you can probably find out on your own, given recent-ish headlines.

Dear Ted:
I get why E! writes about the Kardashians—they have a show on E!. I get why you write about Twilight—you give the people what they want. What I do not get is why E! does not do something about all the spam. Some days it is over 50 percent of the comments. I do not have pets, but I am dog-sitting while friends go on vacation.
—Stephani

Dear Tech Support:
Hey, I'd love to get it taken care of, too. I'll put in a word with those rascally iPad-using tech kids. And, um…that's great about your friends' dog.

Dear Ted:
In the Blind Vices, are the names you give the subjects a clue to their identity? For example, in the sad tale of Strippa Rip-Ya, I am reminded of Kelly Ripa. I'm sure it is not her; Mark would not live to see the light of day if he tried anything like that!
—Wondering

Dear Clued In?
You are correct, ain't Kelly. What good would I be without a red herring every once in a while, wonder-puss?

Dear Ted:
In a recent Bitch-Back! you were talking about how Blake Lively isn't as sweet as she looks. Is it her attitude? Is it something Blind Vice-worthy or not yet?
—Melia

Dear Sweet as Salt:
Not quite. It's just that, you'd expect something sweet to be caffeinated and full of sugary energy. The girl's eyelids have never been more than a millimeter apart. Not exactly "caffeinated."

Dear Ted:
Since there have been a few matchmaking suggestions for couples recently, how about Rachel McAdams and Owen Wilson? They worked on Wedding Crashers together and are filming a new movie in Paris. Do you think there is a possibility of this happening? I think they would be really cute together!
—M

Dear No-wen:
There is no room in this world for a ménage à trios with Owen Wilson, his nose and another woman.