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    Bitch-Back! Will Angelina Jolie Ever Do Comedy?

    Angelina Jolie, Life or Something Like It Myles Aronowitz/Monarchy Enterprises

    Dear Ted:
    You seem to be the master on all things Angelina Jolie, so let me ask you. When will she do something other than dark drama and action? Will we ever get to see her do a comedy? I'm getting tired of seeing her with the same makeup blood and bruises.
    —Camille

    Dear Not So Fast:
    Even if you're forgetting (how could you?!) the action-heavy Mr. and Mrs. Smith or the animated Kung Fu Panda, you've got to remember one of Team Awful's favorite movies from the early 2000's: Life or Something Like It. Remember? Romantic comedy, Ed Burns, weird blond hair? Yep. That happened.

    Dear Ted:
    If Robert Pattinson is working with all these older women, what do you think about Angelina and Rob doing a cool thriller together? Rob and Scarlett Johansson doing an indie flick? Let's hear your suggestions!
    —Ariel

    Dear Cougars!:
    Um, older women? Babe, just how old do you think Reese Witherspoon is? Heaven forbid he do a movie with Betty White as a washed-up porn star looking to get back in the Industry. In all seriousness, I'd love to see Rob with someone who can bring out some comic chops. Maybe Sandra Bullock or Emma Stone. That gives us some generations to choose from.

    Dear Ted:
    Kanye West as American Idol judge. What do you think?
    —April

    Dear Not Bad:
    Interesting! Kanye is known for being far too loud and obnoxious—everything's all about him. Just like Paula's eye shadow and weirdo mannerisms. It could be the superfunk A.I. needs to get its mojo back.

    Dear Ted:
    I keep guessing Moisty Mohr to be Geraldo Rivera and you do not post to deny or confirm...has to be!
    —For Sure

    Dear Surely Not:
    Well, then consider this to be your denial. Denied!

    Dear Ted:
    A few days ago, Anne Rice quit Christianity. She gives a number of reasons, all of which seem pretty valid, if controversial. Your thoughts?
    —Agusta

    Dear Rice-a-roni:
    Power to the lady! She's certainly well-spoken enough to articulate her reasons, much better than plenty of celebs who try and do the whole religion thing and end up sounding like glib idiots. Oops, have I said too much?

    Dear Ted:
    I'm a self-proclaimed super fan of Criminal Minds—I'm surprised you've never reported anything on them since they have a huge shipper following (the fan fiction would amaze you, trust). Is the cast really that boring in real life? With all of the hotties on set (Shemar Moore, A.J. Cook, and my personal favorite Paget Brewster), there has got to be some drama, right? What do you think about both A.J. and Paget getting booted from the show next season?
    CriminalMindsFan

    Dear Minds Over Matter:
    Babe, if I told you I had (a) any interest, (b) any gossip  or (c) a time share on Justin Bieber's private island, I would be lying about all three. Sorry, boo.

    Dear Ted:
    Has Christina Aguilera ever been a Blind Vice? Maybe recently?
    L

    Dear Genie in a Blind:
    Not recently. Years, actually.

    Dear Ted:
    I'm old enough to be your older sister, and every time I see Rob Pattinson my panties go "poof." What's up with this? I started losing them after randomly renting movies, and Twilight ended on my list. He walked into the cafeteria, and "poof." Has his appeal ever been professionally analyzed? I think he must be the perfect trifecta: perfect bone structure, ideal personality, palpable sex appeal. Throw in a British accent, oozing testosterone levels, sense of humor, expressive face. Oh, and long fingers, gorgeous hair, photogenic. Chest hair, happy trail, cute butt...(Can we get him back into his button-fly jeans?)
    —Going Commando Due to No Fault of My Own

    Dear OMG:
    Darling, this has to go in the Bitch-Back! Hall of Fame, for sure. I can't even answer, because something must, must, must be professionally analyzed, and I'm not sure it's Rob!

    Dear Ted:
    In the case of Me-Me Dallas and Morgan Mayhem, is the obvious answer the right one? Or are you trying to throw us off?
    —Lia

    Dear Surprise, Surprise:
    Uh, I don't think I've been trying to throw you off on those two. Hell, I don't even think they've been throwing you off, what with all the things they're doing in public these days.

    Dear Ted:
    Who is the oldest Vice? The youngest?
    —Linni

    Dear Age Appropriate:
    Can't say the youngest, because that'll probably get me thrown into a stewing jambalaya of legal bitchiness. Oldest, though, would probably be…well, hell, it's probably Moisty. Has to be.

    Dear Ted:
    You have to tell us what you think about Jennifer Aniston's new photo shoot. She is simply stunning. I couldn't believe it.
    —Chisom

    Dear Funny Girl:
    What's there to tell, doll? She channels the Streisand thing perfectly, even if the personalities aren't exactly matching right now. Or ever.

    Dear Ted:
    Why would the Lost female castmember throw a series-ending party with all the other castmembers but not invite the producers? Bad blood? After all, she wouldn't have been on Lost without them—a little gratitude would be fitting, no?
    —A Lost Addict

    Dear Island Getaway:
    After six seasons, those castmembers had to put up with enough secrecy that none of them would have wanted the producers to come, except the suckups. She showed plenty of gratitude during the first few seasons, I'm sure.

    Dear Ted:
    Couldn't help but notice James Franco was overlooked in the All-American heartthrob category...perhaps almost too obvious a choice, with the James Dean reference! Everyone in T-town and beyond can imagine Franco is potentially all kinds of crazy (what with his manic approach to work, school, everything)...This makes me wonder: Does this intensity extend into his personal life? Does he even have time to do anything Vice-worthy?
    —M

    Dear Francfurter:
    Oh, absolutely. James is a little bit wild, a little bit crazy, a little bit country, rock and roll, etc. Lots of what he would consider normal is, frankly, Vice-worthy to most other people.

    Dear Ted:
    I loved your Last Real Man in Hollywood elections. Do you plan on doing something similar for women? I'd love to see who would win that.
    —Bastiaan

    Dear Criteria Crisis:
    It's possible, but what angle? "Last Real Woman" could mean the beauty (like Ange), the housewife (like Jennifer Garner), the tough cookie (say, Michelle Rodriguez) or the ageless ingénue (Meryl Streep)? Too many different categories to choose from—help me narrow it down! 

    Dear Ted:
    I have to admit, I'm a little disappointed the Tom Hardy quotes ended up being a sham. It was actually kind of hot...someone that open minded would have to be a lot of fun.
    —Bridget

    Dear Tomfoolery:
    Not so fast though, hon. You'd be surprised (or maybe you wouldn't) by how many of Hollywood's hunks are open-minded. And it wasn't a sham; they were just old quotes—which he hasn't denied.

    Be a fan of Ted on Facebook!

    ________

    Check out the Bitch-Back section for more clues on your fave Blind Vices.

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