Bitch-Back! Forget Vamps, How ‘Bout Those Werewolves?!

Readers write in to compare some other supernatural creatures with supernatural abs

Dear Ted:
I loved your Franklin to Edward comparison! I think True Blood is so good this season, and Franklin is totally a heightened Edward! Speaking of my Bon Temps friends, what do you think about the very hot guy that plays Alcide? Not to enrage the Team Jacob fans, but he's how I picture a werewolf—not the youthful Taylor Lautner! What do you think?
—Lucy

Dear Go Go Joe:
Haven't you read anything we've written? We're absolutely wild for the guy (whose name is Joe Manganiello, babe. Learn the name!). And yep, he's definitely much more of a werewolf that we can sink our teeth into...although we do love darling Tay-tay and his were-tan, were-abs and were-GQ photo shoots.

Dear Ted:
So Twilight is going to end Nov. 16, 2012. How long do think it will take to see Robsten in full action after Twilight?
—L

Dear Psychic Psummit:
They've still got half of 2010 and all of 2011 to stick it out, babe. Let's not get too hasty, ‘K?

Dear Ted:
Do you think Nevis Divine is a bad person because of how he treats his girl and his guy, stringing them along when they both want more from him?
—Sampson

Dear Divine Mess:
I don't think so. All of his conquests know exactly what they're getting into, and they're smart enough not to hold it against Nev.

Dear Ted:
I'm curious how paparazzi are not considered stalkers? What's the difference?
—Ailish

Dear Stalkerazzi:
Loopholes make it possible. California's law defines a stalker's behavior with the word malicious, which unfortunately doesn't categorize 99 percent of the damn paparazzi.

Dear Ted:
I met Jennifer Aniston in London. She was all sorts of gorgeous, and I admit, I shed a tear. She was just as beautiful as I imagined. My husband thought I was overacting with the crying but did agree she was stunning. So this bring us to the question: Why is she still single? Then my husband said the most brilliant thing I've ever heard and never thought of. Maybe she's not single. Maybe she actually has a partner but is fiercely keeping it under wraps considering how her other previous ones have blown up in her face. Please elaborate on this for me. She might be fooling all of us and especially with her new movie coming out, it's going to bring up the "child" questions again. I think she knows exactly where the public interest is and that's her gold mine. Could I be right? No? Not even a tiny bit?
—Godschild 

Dear Faniston:
That's a mighty lot of words you've got there. And the most brilliant part about it is that, in some aspects, you're completely spot-on. Trust me, Jen definitely knows what her "gold mine" is, as you say—most stars do.

Dear Ted:
I just read Elisabetta Canalis' "interview" about how people are jealous of her and how George Clooney's love for her feels. His "girlfriend" doesn't seem to understand that most people would feel genuine happiness for her if she was a nice, decent, sincere woman who only wanted to be with him because she cared so much for him. That would include not giving interviews, posing provocatively and using his fame (I know he allows it) to make her famous. Maybe George will marry the little angel when he turns 50? Since she said he loves her...
—Miss P

Dear Nice or Not?
You can't blame the beautiful bitch for giving interviews when she's the girlfriend to someone like Clooney. That said, notice how I carefully chose what word to put after "beautiful."

Dear Ted:
What do you think of the newly revealed date for Breaking Dawn Part 2 being a year after part one? To me, it seems like Summit just wants to pull more money in, but will the year in between be a bad decision? I love Twilight as much as the next person, but I got to admit, unless the advertising and promo for Breaking Dawn goes back to the days of Twilight where it was just Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, I'm afraid interest will die down.
—Tammy

Dear Tammy-pon:
If you truly loved Twilight "as much as the next person," then you'd know that "the next person" will be a die-hard Twi-hard for a decade if it means waiting for another movie. Know thy audience and peers, dearest! Interest for this franchise isn't going anywhere, except among the skeptics who, by 2012, just won't care anymore.

Dear Ted:
I just have to know. Is the Kourtney and Khloé show scripted? People have said that, but I don't know.
—SD Hater

Dear  K&K Take Hollywood:
It's no different than any other reality show—that's all I've gotta say. But trust that Khloé's behavior on the show is absolutely no different than her behavior in real life. The girl is a riot and quite the hilarious little spunk-muffin.

Dear Ted:
I am not sure that I understand your response to my comment. What did you mean exactly? What I meant was that Roddy McDowall and Elizabeth Taylor showcase the two extremes on how to handle the press. McDowall just didn't discuss anything personal with the press—ever! Not even to defend himself when hurt by undeserved criticism of his professional life. That decision allowed him to do what he wanted and have his privacy respected. For example, his male significant other went to everything with him,  but, because the man didn't walk the red carpet with him, they were not hounded. Taylor is the opposite. She just does what she wants to do and the devil take the hindmost. That has left the press with less and less reason to invade her privacy for something to "reveal." So she gets some space from them. Is that more clear? Do I make any sense or am I missing the point entirely?
—Bicho 

Dear Old School II:
Darling, no offense, I think you're taking this a little too far.

Dear Ted:
Thanks for finding the original interview with Tom Hardy. His comments did sound a bit odd the way they were reported the other day, but with context it's easy to understand where he's coming from. That said, I don't think Tom Hardy has any reason to distance himself from what he said. He sounded sincere and honest, and if that isn't unusual I don't know what is. I liked his work in Rocknrolla and Inception, and I'll be checking out his next flicks.
—Agusta

Dear Hard for Hardy:
Leave it to our hard-hitting reporters on Team Awful to crack that case, sugar-puss! He's slowly winning over this whole town with that mysteriousness, don't you think? 

Dear Ted:
I was thinking last night that I wanted to ask you about Nicole Richie and Joel Madden and then lo and behold, today there are new photos of them. I'm a big fan of Nicole. What do you think? Are they solid?
—Alex

Dear Richie Rich:
About as solid as you can expect from once-wild Richie. But now she's a cleaned-up and classy chica, and with kids in the mix. She and Joel are as solid as ever.

Dear Ted:
I am way too entertained by the hints you tease us with about your Blind Vices. Is adorable Jensen Ackles more likely to indulge in his vice-like ways down in big bad L.A. or up in nice quiet Vancouver? While we are playing, feel free to share any other hints you can about this super pretty and seemingly sweet Texas boy.
—Curious Player

Dear Vancooter:
Oh, Jensen's bad-boy ways aren't limited to any one town. He can get his vice on in any damn place, ya hear?

Dear Ted:
Any vices among the Human Target cast: Mark Valley, Chi McBride and Jackie Earl Haley?
—Not Too Old for Ted

Dear Yawn:
No, no and no. My blinds tend to be A-list, B-list or Z-list. Not the X-, J- and C-list folks you mentioned, hon.

Dear Ted:
Is Strippa Rip-Ya married? And is her man a celebrity as well?
—Tara

Dear Rip-Ya Heart Out:
Yes and yes.