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    Bitch-Back! Could Lindsay Get a Dragon Tattoo?

    Lindsay Lohan Toby Canham/Getty Images

    Dear Ted:
    This may be a real stretch, but just think about it: Lindsay Lohan as Lisbeth Salander? I know. I know. Seems ridiculous, however think about it! Lost, troubled, bi-sexual party girl tackles dramatic role, wins over H'wood and guns for a Screen Actors Guild Award. La Lohan certainly has the fiery talent to take on Lisbeth, and honestly, it could be interesting to see her comeback in such a kickass way! Thoughts?
    —M

    Dear Temporary Tattoo:
    You've stumped me, M. And not because I think you're totally crazy, but because that's not exactly the worst idea I've ever heard. In fact, it's a pretty damn good one. We all know Linds is talented when she puts the effort in, and it would be a much better comeback than that skeezy Inferno flick. I'd support it...if LiLo didn't have all of her personal baggage that would drag the entire production down.

    Dear Ted:
    My husband is in the military and we have been sent (feels like banished) to North Dakota, and I'm a Boston girl who seriously misses her family and city! Hope you can cheer me up by telling me what the deal with Midnight Sun is. Will it ever happen? My puppy and I are tired of waiting.
    —Jenny

    Dear Down in the Dumps in Dakota:
    Oh, I'm sure it will happen—ya know, once the Twi franchise wraps its final film and Stephenie Meyer realizes she wants to keep that Edward Cullen cash cow mooing for a lot longer.

    Dear Ted:
    Typo Ted, or was this intentional? You sly dog, you. You wrote: "With those somewhat closeted chicks Twyla Babe-Sucker and Venetia Vag-O-Matic still lurking behind their closet doors..." but the link went to Terry Tush-Trade!
    —Carol

    Dear Whoopsie:
    Total typo, C. Twyla, Terry…there's too many Twilight Vicers that start with "T." I was bound to mix the two up, eventually. Those Twi vamps make me dizzy!

    Dear Ted:
    I am confused by Jared Padalecki's behavior, of late. He seems like a sweet guy and has been low-key since he got married, but his performance at Comic-Con was so over-the-top I thought he was about to start jumping on a couch. Is he trying to over compensate for something? Or is there trouble in paradise perhaps?
    —Meg

    Dear Comic-Conned:
    He's just giving the fangirls what they want! C'mon, Megsy, stop picking on the dude.

    Dear Ted:
    You've been pretty quiet regarding Secretia and Chester. Could you give us an update on what they've been up to, work-wise?
    —Nini

    Dear Play First, Work Second:
    A whole lot of nothing—professionally speaking—for the both of ‘em...at least nothing anyone cares about.

    Dear Ted:
    With your emphasis on dirty, could Moisty Mohr be anyone other than prolific porn pioneer Ron Jeremy, also of late-night infomercial fame?
    —Debbie in Dallas

    Dear Dirty Dog:
    Whoa, whoa, whoa, completely wrong field of work, Deb. Think like, uh, the opposite of that, really. M2 leaves all his porncapades for when the camera stops rolling.

    Dear Ted:
    I've written to you a few times with this one request, and it keeps going unheeded. I've even tried pimping out my shelter kitty all to no avail. I know your inbox gets flooded and you've got a lot of questions to answer, but please, please, please satisfy my curiosity and dish a little bit about Ryan Cabrera. I've seriously been crushing on the guy for over five years and just want to know if he's as cool as he seems. I love his music, and he was so sweet when I met him. Just want to know if he's really a genuinely good guy or not.
    —Third Time's a Charm

    Dear on the Way Down:
    Babe, you and your little kitty don't have to beg. Ry is a pretty good guy. I've bumped into him at a couple of parties, and he's friendly enough. Big fan of the H'wood scene, but I'm sure you already knew that—he was on The Hills, after all.

    Dear Ted:
    Fake à la Ferocity. Tell me, do you think it's likely something like what happened with Heath Ledger will happen to her? And I'm finding it incredibly unfair that she has a great reputation and loyal fans when people like Lindsay Lohan get raked over the coals, and I don't even like Lohan. So F à la F is beautiful, so what? That doesn't make her a good person.
    —Jenn

    Dear Gone Too Soon:
    Honestly, no, Jenn. Fakey and Heath Ledger were in completely different positions, mentally speaking and what not. Plus, Fake seems to be doing a lot better these days—at least publicly (which is also the reason she doesn't get the Lohan treatment).

    Dear Ted:
    Before Clay Aiken "officially" came out, his orientation was an open secret—the only people who didn't know were his fans (well, some of them, anyway).  In other words, it wasn't hidden from anyone working with him. Is it the same kind of sitch with Toothy Tile? You've said that T.T. knows he's T.T....Is it readily acknowledged (to his face) in Hollywood, and just kept a secret from the public? For instance, would he and Grey Goose be invited to a party as a couple?
    —Terri

    Dear Glass Closet:
    T2 is much more closeted than Clay, even within T-town. Sure, a lot of his coworkers and the corporate big-wigs know what's up, but it's not as acknowledged or discussed openly as it was with Clay.

    Dear Ted:
    Tina Fey
    and Alec Baldwin have great chemistry on 30 Rock, and seem to have a lot of mutual respect for one another...is this the case?
    —T

    Dear Cue the Laugh Track:
    Of course, T. Everyone knows Tina runs the show and acts accordingly, does that surprise you?

    Dear Ted:
    I try to understand you, but I can't! You always said, "I believe in Robsten," and now you are saying they'll break up? Do you believe more in Zanessa than Robsten? Seriously? Zanessa seems more PR (sorry all fans) but Robsten? They seem be very private people. Why do you think they'll break up? Please can you explain to us? Everyone is asking why you change your mind.
    —KS

    Dear Calm Down:
    Two things, love: First, I never said I thought that Robsten would break up (at least imminently). I just said that, between the two couples at this moment in their relayshes, Zanessa seems more plausible in the long run, but who the hell knows? Secondly, I never changed my mind, sorry.

    Dear Ted:
    Sure, Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr say they got married, but did it actually take place? I mean why didn't any of their close family attend? Seems too odd for these two when they are so close to their families. I know it is easy to lie and say you are married when no legalities took place, spill the beans!
    —Charlie

    Dear I…Do?
    While H'wood can fake plenty of things, marriage certificates are easy to check in on. The duo most definitely said "I do." Might seem strange that they'd wed without the fam, but it doesn't seem like mama Kerr is too bummed.

    Dear Ted:
    I've had this dream of becoming an actress for a while now, and every time I ask someone about it, they say it's the most difficult business to get into, which I know already. But just wondering...how long would you estimate a person has to be a "struggling actor" before they hit the big time, or can someone get lucky and hit it big to begin with?
    —Margaret

    Dear Fame!
    Depends, who're you sleeping with?

    Dear Ted:
    Just saw The A-Team, and Liam Neeson was looking hot. He's now back on my list of sexy stars. I though he might make a good match for Sandra Bullock, what think you? Sorry no rescued animals yet, but as soon as the garden fencing is completed, it's on the cards for a nice mutt.
    —Mel

    Dear Bullock's Beau:
    The Bitch-Back is starting to becoming a dating service for Sandy B., huh? And while I think Liam is totally delish, I'm still supporting Sandra and Ryan Gosling. How hot would that be? But don't expect S.B. to jump into anything anytime soon.

    Dear Ted:
    My rescue cat is a very curious kitty, and she and I wonder about how bearding appearances work. When celebrities appear with their beards at a widely publicized event, do the PR people tell them how to act, or do they play it however they want to? Sometimes these oh-so-in-love couples seem so awkward. Are some couples told to sell the relationship harder and amp up the PDA, while others remain less touchy? Or can some couples just not pull off the physical affection, no matter how well they act in other roles?
    —Natural Couples Fan

    Dear Feelin' Scruffy:
    The beard and bearded know the rules of the game. Surely they've got some pointers from their respective teams, but it's their sexuality that's on the line. They'll sell that relaysh if it's the last thing they do. Does that tickle your pussy's curiosity?

    Follow @theawfultruth on Twitter!

    _______

    Check out more mail in our Bitch-Back! section!

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