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    Bitch-Back! Which Marriages Are Made to Last?

    Beyonce, Jay-Z Marion Curtis/Startraksphoto.com

    Dear Ted:
    To your response to Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr's marriage time line, you also said the same thing about Beyoncé and Jay-Z when they got married. How much longer is that one going to last? I always thought Beyoncé and Jay-Z were like a peanut butter and pickle sandwich. It looks fine on the outside, but as soon as you take a bite, you know something is off.
    —Julie

    Dear Marriage Counselor:
    B and J have kept to themselves, and that's what's kept them together—so good for them for proving me wrong. But Orlando and Miranda? You can't tell me with a straight face that these two are decades-down-the-line types.

    Dear Ted:
    I was reading a local magazine, and it said that Liam Hemsworth broke up with Miley Cyrus. It said that her parents were blaming him for her rebellious change and that she was jealous of his career. And it also said that Miley said that they're on a "break." I don't really believe this, as she is filming right now, but just wanna clear my mind, is it true?
    —Maria

    Dear Lies about Liley:
    Not true. The two are still (groan) together. Although I wouldn't doubt those things her parents said.

    Dear Ted;
    Cruella
    St. Shackles is all kinds of evil. What does Marky Sweet-Puss think of her mothering? We already know on the wife front he's not too interested in what she has to offer, but if he's not into her in that way, thinks he might have married the devil and sees how bad of a mother she is, why does he stay? It can't be worse out there than in this faux marriage.
    —Frankie

    Dear Cruella de Bitch:
    Cruella and Marky's story is not just one of two famous people entering into a marriage they both knew would help their careers. It's also a tale of two very needy artists who think they need the other to keep moving on, not just professionally, but emotionally. How wrong they are.

    Dear Ted;
    With all of the vampire shows around, I've been wondering, which cast has the most scandalous B.V.s: Twilight, True Blood, Supernatural or Vampire Diaries?
    —Chaz

    Dear Vices With Fangs:
    Twilight, based on sheer volume. But in terms of scandal, that honor goes to True Blood.

    Dear Ted:
    There must be some sort of gossip on Ryan Gosling other than a ballet class! Come on, there must be somewhere I can feed my obsession other than watching The Notebook again!
    —Mrs. Gosling

    Dear Gosling Gossip:
    More?! I thought we already delivered a total Gosling overdose last week. Damn, you kids. Never pleased nowadays, are ya?

    Dear Ted:
    I'm obsessed with the Lost B.V.! Were any of these characters with their "inner smoky-monster" nominated for any awards? And about the actress who did a party without the producers: every woman in that island was killed off! Can you give us any other hint?
    —The Lost-Twi Girl

    Dear Clued In:
    Yes, this particular Lost star has been nommed for their work on the show. But...uh, the entire cast has been. "Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Drama Series" at the Screen Actors Guild, to be exact. As for that invite-list elitist, it was the gal the crew would peg last as a total snob.

    Dear Ted:
    I absolutely adore Pink. Her style, her 'tude, all of it. She has the pipes and the talent to outshine the sun, yet flies so far under the radar. I know she's been pretty open about her life, especially through her lyrically magical music, but has she ever been a BV? I'm thinking years ago, before heartthrob Hart, maybe when she was touring with J.T.?
    —D

    Dear Pink Taco:
    Nope, never. To tell you the truth, I like her too much.

    Dear Ted:
    You're probably going to keep ignoring me, but I'll keep asking. Is Moisty Mohr Don Imus?
    —Ellie

    Dear Let's Get Sirius:
    No, he's not the shock jock. In fact, there's nothing shocking about Moisty's professional career. Like, at all.

    Dear Ted:
    How does Summit intend to keep Twi-fever going until next November?
    —Jenny

    Dear Temperatures Rising:
    Are you kidding me, Jen? Summit will have no problem keeping the Twi-hards chatting until they wrap the first Breaking Dawn flick. Plus, they're lucky enough to have a secret weapon: Robsten, ever heard of ‘em?

    Dear Ted:
    Have you seen the pictures of Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki parading their wives around on the balcony at Comic-Con? What do you think, innocent PDA or did they know the cameras were watching?
    —Lilith

    Dear Public Display of Jackles:
    I'll pretend you didn't ask that.

    Dear Ted:
    After knowing how dirty David Boreanaz's Blind Vice is, would Sarah Michelle Gellar's Vice make us not like her anymore?
    —Kathleen

    Dear SMG = OMG:
    Eh, that depends. I'd say no. But then, must say you really have set up an impossible comparison.

    Dear Ted:
    So many conflicting reports on Jennifer Aniston being haughty vs. down-to-earth. Is she nice to only those in the business or just plain nice?
    —Mia

    Dear Little Orphan Aniston:
    Surprisingly, Jen is not the diva that many, many haters wish she were. But you have to get a little bitchy when you're faced with some of the s--t she has to deal with. She's generally one of the nicer ones, despite being aloof.

    Dear Ted:
    Has Taylor Momsen ever been a Blind Vice? She seems the type, what with her wardrobe and makeup.
    —Laura

    Dear Gossip Gone:
    No, because, frankly, as much as she tries to shock with her punk-rock ‘tude and skimpy outfits, does anyone really care?

    Dear Ted;
    I recently watched Valentine's Day for the first time. I tuned in because of my larger-than-life, decade-old crush on Julia Roberts. But it was yummy Bradley Cooper that stole the scenes! Is he still dating what's-her-face?
    —Robin

    Dear Here Renée, Gone Tomorrow:
    Yes. And I'd love to throw in some unfortunate adjectives and whatnot about the relaysh, but we've got to be at least a little nice to the actors, right?

    Dear Ted:
    Luke
    and Audrey (charmingly psychotic rescue cats), and myself, are a bit bothered with the whole Blind Vice thing, entertainment aside. Not in a prudish sort of way, but more along the lines of why does it matter what one's sexual preferences or personal habits are as long as it doesn't harm anyone? Why is it a "Vice"? Is this because of your preferences and/or beliefs? I'm just curious, Luke is impatience, and Audrey would love her answer with a pat of butter.
    —EssDee

    Dear Webster:
    A vice is defined as a bad habit, or something someone engages in that's immoral compared to their definition of moral. My definition is basically anything these famous culprits are up to that they would prefer you didn't know about. For example, of course, being gay is not a vice, but the behavior some gay folks participate in to hide that fact is therein what becomes the vice. The more simplistic vices would be drugs, thievery, drunkenly screwing the cater-waiters, etc.

    Dear Ted:
    What's more annoying? When Robsten are out in full force and people complain to you endlessly about how much you post about them, or when Robsten are MIA because of their jobs and people constantly ask you if there's "trouble in paradise"?
    —Ange

    Dear Not So Fast:
    Nothing about Robsten annoys me. I adore them. That should be grotesquely apparent, at this point.

    Follow @theawfultruth on Twitter!

    _______

    Check out more mail in our Bitch-Back! section!

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