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    Bitch-Back! Leonardo DiCaprio, Father Figure?

    Leonardo DiCaprio Dominique Charriau/Getty Images

    Dear Ted:
    Leonardo DiCaprio
    recently said he would want to become a father somewhere in the future. What are your thoughts on the ETA of that child? Months, years, or should we think in decades?
    —Bastiaan

    Dear DiPregnant:
    Unless he knocks up a one-night stand, Leo's got some time before he fathers a beautiful (you know it's gonna be) child. He's gotta find a real steady lady first! True, that honey could be his on-again, off-again GF, Bar. And remember, an Israeli nationalist organization urged the stunning model not to marry Leo because he's not Jewish—and you know what we all do when people tell us what to do, the exact opposite! That said, don't forget, sweet ‘n' sexy Leo's not really a settle-down guy, even if he does at times profess to be otherwise. Think more George Clooney, less Brad Pitt.

    Dear Ted:
    Can you take a second to acknowledge how far Leo has come since his Titanic days? Just close your eyes and picture him. Mmm, delish. That is all.
    —Queen of the World

    Dear Queenie:
    Moment acknowledged!

    Dear Ted:
    Is there really no hope for Lea Michele and Cory Monteith as a couple? In interviews they seem pretty damn adorable and they look super cute. So is there any chance that they could happen? I'm sincerely hoping so.
    —Forever

    Dear Show Choir Shmo Choir:
    There's a chance, but I doubt it'll happen, doll. Lea's got too much diva to be tied down by naive Cory right now. Plus, I don't think he's interested in her...that way.

    Dear Ted:
    I was bothered by the picture of Robert Pattinson when you featured him smoking and went on about how hot he is. I'm sorry, but smoking is never hot, and by saying what you said you made it sound like it is. You've talked about your struggles with smoking, and I've had multiple family members die from lung cancer. I just think that refraining from ever calling someone who is smoking "hot" is important. Smoking cigarettes kills. And you know how much these teen Twi-hards idolize those kids. I think the odds are good that if they see Rob, et al smoking, they might want to take it up themselves.
    —Katie

    Dear Nonsmoking Section:
    Babe, I so agree. But I do want to clarify that I wasn't emphasizing how good he looked specifically with a cigarette. Hell, he could have been taking a Zima break and I'd have said the same thing. My father died of lung-cancer; I don't need to be told it's an idiotic habit.

    Dear Ted:
    I'm afraid my rescue kitty, Asher, and I don't ride the Twilight train. Our fave young actors are Ellen Page and Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Both lovely, both oozing talent, both nonstandard Hollywood. Love 'em. Any interesting newsy bits on either?
    —Grey

    Dear Up-and-Comers:
    Let me guess. You saw Inception and now you want the two of them to date, right? Well so does the rest of the world. Frankly, I think the two would be perfect for each other. Now we wait! For, like, forever. Get it?

    Dear Ted:
    Have you seen Vanity Fair starring Reese Witherspoon?
    —Jen

    Dear Sneaky Bitch:
    Nope.

    Dear Ted:
    Ever since I laid eyes on Cristiano Ronaldo, he always seemed off to me. But then I heard he's becoming a father by taking the Ricky Martin route and it all made sense to me now. Why would a good-looking guy like him (who has millions of girls chasing after him) ever consider taking that route if he wanted kids?
    —Cali

    Dear Ronaldo McDonaldo:
    Kid-friendly Cristy might not have any other options, you forget. Lots of celebs do things that seem totally normal to personal, private people, but unorthodox or unexpected when in the public eye.

    Dear Ted:
    Is Erin Andrews dating Maksim Chmerkovskiy? Is the romance real or a ploy to get media attention?
    —Amy

    Dear Dancing Duo:
    My sources tell me yes, yes and no.

    Dear Ted:
    Recently you've dropped a crumb or two about Judas Jack-off and Dashed Dingle-Dream. Are my fave gay couple back together in any way? I would love to hear that this couple have real love for each other and want to be together no matter what. Am I dreaming an impossible dream? I also long for Britney and Justin to reunite—what are my odds for each couple?
    —Bella

    Dear Romance Bookie:
    You want odds? Odds are not bad for Judas and Dashed (they never really split, sweetheart, they're just eternally messy together), and 1,000,000:1 for B and J. Hey, here's to dreaming, though.

    Dear Ted:
    Regarding your latest B.V. on Parrish Maguire, I don't get it. Why wouldn't someone blab to the press about these parties? They're afraid to tell because they will get booted from parties where the only connection is fleeting, lasts about two hours and may give you an STD? And this small bastardization of what life as gay men could be satisfies them? No one yearns for anything more, like a real relationship? A real family that reflects who they really are? Wow. I just don't get it, and I hope I never do. May I be "uncool" forever!
    —Jeff

    Dear Party Pooper:
    Power to you, Jeff. It's true—the guys at these shindigs have less self-respect than most. But I don't think you understand how truly amazing these parties are. They're a young gay's fantasy! Besides, what good will blabbing to the press do you? You think anyone's gonna care about the guy who outs Mr. X or Mr. Y? Better enjoy the booze and boys, rather than the 15 seconds of fame you'll get for opening your mouth.

    Dear Ted:
    Is there a page that summarizes the Blind Vices? I'm new to your website (I saw you on the Eclipse premiere feed), and am having a hard time figuring out where they all start. It's quite fun to try and guess though!
    —Allison

    Dear Awful Allison:
    Welcome to the Truth, babe. Our B.V. Index is so in the works!

    Dear Ted:
    The New York Times review of Eclipse: "What there isn't, as usual, is much in the way of good acting, with the decisive and impressive exception of Ms. Stewart, who can carry a close-up about as well as anyone in movies today." Why can't some people deal with the fact Kristen is here to stay!?
    —Cole

    Dear Stew for You:
    Duh! What the hell do you think we've been saying all along?

    Dear Ted:
    Let's recast the classic Dinner at Eight. Imagine the list for the John Barrymore has-been actor role. We could cast Meryl Streep in the Marie Dressler role (she has the comic chops), but what I'd love to know is, who would you put in the role of the bimbo?
    —Deborah

    Dear Star Turn!:
    I'm gonna say Leighton Meester. Bam. Perfect casting. She's kinda modern-day Jean Harlow, right?

    Dear Ted:
    I know it's old news, but I miss the David Duchovny-Gillian Anderson hullabaloo. You were never able to give us much information on them—can you turn them into a Blind Vice so we dwindling fans can finally get the scoop?
    —Genevieve

    Dear Gillovny Returns!
    Oh, how I love hearing those names again! Babe, I thought I gave you plenty of info on the two. As much as I could, at least. Trust, much of that relaysh is totally blind already.

    Dear Ted:
    Just wondering something after your not-so-nice comments about Gwynnie. Has she morphed into the mom from The Nanny Diaries, though maybe a bit hipper? Is that a fair way to describe her? I read in Vogue she has a "food assistant." What a joke!
    —C

    Dear Paltry Paltrow:
    First off, how dare you assume that I've seen The Nanny Diaries. Second, Gwyneth hasn't really morphed it anything. She's still the same blah mamacita she's always been.

    Dear Ted:
    Has anyone guessed Moisty Mohr's identity yet? I think...no, I know that M.M. is Bobby Flay! He's not attractive, he's on television and I'm sure he has to prove that he's attractive.
    —D

    Dear D:
    Wrong, sweetie, and no, no one's guessed correctly...yet.

    Dear Ted:
    How come there wasn't anything Robsten in yesterday's Bitch-Back!?
    —Disappointed

    Dear Robsten Whipper:
    Well, just flog me to death, why don't you?

    Follow @theawfultruth on Twitter!

    _______

    Photos: Summer Movies 2010: Hotties to Watch!

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