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    Bitch-Back! Which Friend Is Fairing the Best?

    Friends Cast, David Schwimmer, Lisa Kudrow, Courteney Cox, Matthew Perry, Matt LeBlanc, Jennifer Aniston Lisa O'Connor/Zuma Press

    Dear Ted:
    The cast of Friends. Updates. Who's doing the best since the show ended? Give me a sassy Ted ranking, please!
    —Nicki

    Dear I'll Be There For You:
    Jennifer Aniston
    , of course. Who cares about rom-com flops, that body and the recently embraced I-don't-give-a-crap attitude has her at No. 1. Though, it's still a relatively close call with MILF Courteney Cox. Then Matthew Perry and Lisa Kudrow are practically tied (M.P. slightly ahead because we hear his new pilot is hilar), though neither have found mucho success despite many attempts. Pulling up the rear are Matt LeBlanc, who has made headlines for looking haggard, and David Schwimmer, no surprise. I want you to know, I put a lot of time into this list. I do not take Friends lightly.

    Dear Ted:
    I will admit I thought the Jonas Brothers were going to be the hottest thing around forever. But I heard that their new tour isn't selling like it used to. What do you think will happen to each of the Jonas Brothers?
    —Coutney

    Dear Bieber Fever?
    While some may claim the newest pint-size pimp is the downfall of the Jo Bros, I don't think Biebs ever posed too much of a threat. The brothers Jonas need to come back in an exciting and splashy way. They got way too comfortable in their über-fame and became total boresville. But trust, those boys know how to shock—at least behind the scenes.

    Dear Ted:
    Do you think Kim Kardashian and Miles Austin will last? I can't help think he's in it for publicity.
    —Courtney

    Dear Reality Relaysh:
    Longer than her BFF-ship with La Lohan, that's for sure.

    Dear Ted:
    Is Dougy Dry-Hump Denzel Washington He's a brilliant actor, but I can definitely see him with a naughty Vice.
    —Elizabeth

    Dear Academy Ass:
    No, doll. Interesting guess, but when it comes to that D-bag Dougy, think a bit less brilliant in terms of acting...at least compared to Denzel.

    Dear Ted:
    I'm surprised there was absolutely no coverage of the World Cup. With all those hot and sweaty bodies running around, I'm disappointed at the lack of coverage. I know it isn't a very "American" sport, but your team did very well. Were there any B.V.s on the field?—Mariana

    Dear Boys and Balls:
    Sorry, babe, while we definitely tuned into the matches from time to time, we're way more into the raunchy sports stars, and the dudes in attendance were more focused on the competition than going wild—well, at least the fellows on the field.

    Dear Ted:
    Haven't heard much about Toothy Tile, what has he been up to lately? Hope he is closer to coming out and being himself. I would still love him.
    —Sandy

    Dear Get Your Crowbar:
    Hate to say it, but T2 seems less likely to come out than ever before. Total shame, right? I'm sure you're not the only one who would still love him, but Toothy ain't having any of it. Not now or for the foreseeable future, at least. Actually I take that back, Grey Goose may be less likely to come out than ever.

    Dear Ted:
    You said that Nevis Divine's relationship with his "girlfriend" is boring, especially compared to his relationship with Barrington. Why? No heat? Is she truly a beard in that sense? Is she untalented? Unfriendly? I always thought he used to be with Barrington and now just uses him when the GF is away...I am so confused!
    —Brandi

    Dear Good Grief Gal:
    It's not boring on it's own. She's definitely not a beard, and sure, she's friendly enough and über-cute, but when you compare it to Barrington there's just not as much passion. But Nev isn't using either of the two, let's be clear. He's just conflicted on who he's into more.

    Dear Ted:
    My rescue kitty, LittleRain, is wondering about something. She hears the ladies of The View insisting they argue, but once the cameras stop rolling, they're such good friends. Well, being an observant kitty, she sees real claws on those gals. So what's the real story? Any chance of a little untidy litter in your sharp-eyed "view"? We send you a big purr!
    —Miss

    Dear Behind-the-Scenes Besties:
    They get along professionally when they're not discussing touchy subjects, yes, so if you consider that "good friends," then they're all BFFs. But realistically, they're not enemies, if that is what your little kitty thinks.

    Dear Ted:
    Has Mel Gibson always been this crazy? I seem to remember Susan Sarandon referred to him as the devil, or something to that effect, back in the day. Also, has Mel been a more recent Blind Vice?
    —Amanda F

    Dear Mel Gone Mad:
    Yes. It's been bubbling under the surface for a long time, babe. This level of craziness doesn't just come from nowhere.

    Dear Ted:
    What do you think of Rachel Bilson and Tom Sturridge becoming a couple? Did they get along while working together in their new movie Waiting for Forever? I think they would make quite a cute couple, don't you?
    —Melia

    Dear Kissing Costars:
    While they would be totally adorable, no doubt, I see the duo being better pals than BF and GF. Not all costars are instant bedroom buddies, M—in fact, even the ones who say they're doing the dirty often aren't.

    Dear Ted:
    What's with all the publicity lately from Angelina (Vanity Fair, People, Parade)? Damage control or another poke at Jen for what she couldn't hold onto?
    —Team Aniston

    Dear So 2005:
    You can put your Team Aniston picket sign away—Angelina's tour de press is because she's got a new flick coming out soon. C'mon, haven't you seen those Salt billboards absolutely everywhere lately? Jolie looks much better airbrushed on mag's though than she does in the previews for the flick.

    Dear Ted:
    I've read that Selena Gomez and Nick Jonas are getting back together. There are also new pictures of Taylor Lautner and Selena bowling. I was wondering who do you think she would end up with?
    —CJ

    Dear Matching Game:
    Who do I think the pint-size princess would be better with? Sadly, Nicky (but I'm still totally Team Niley, don't forget). Which is why it's perfect that the person I think she would actually end up with is Tay-Tay. Confusing, no?

    Dear Ted:
    What's up with Nicole Richie and Joel Madden? I thought we would have wedding photos by now...
    —Di

    Dear Not Married With Children:
    Nothing Vicey—at least not anymore—to explain why these two haven't tied the knot, if that's what you're looking for, Di. The two just haven't decided to walk down the aisle, don't really think they feel the need to yet.

    Dear Ted:
    You have recently said that country stars have some of the dirtiest secrets. Please tell me country cutie Taylor Swift is not one of them? Does she have a Blind Vice? I wouldn't think so, but if your column teaches us anything, it's that appearances aren't always what they seem.
    —MS

    Dear Please:
    Taylor is the queen of "appearances aren't always what they seem." Which, coincidentally, sounds like lyrics from one of her sweet teen anthems. Still, she's got nothing compared to the usual Hollywood suspects and we totally heart Tay.

    Dear Ted:
    So Lost is over and done with. Care to reveal any hints about which castmember was so thoroughly disliked?
    —Was Lost, Now I'm Found

    Dear Found, Really?
    Probably exactly who you think it is. But that's hardly the biggest B.V. to come from that cast.

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    ________

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