Zachary Quinto, Chris Pine

Anita Bugge/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
With everything so hush-hush about Jackles for the last few weeks, could I get some love for my new favorite pair, Pinto? Otherwise known as Star Trek hotties Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto! I highly recommend that people check out interviews with the duo—they have such wonderful chemistry and are both funny and incredibly well-spoken. Any insight?

Dear Pinto Bean:
I love it! Zach is our favorite fedora-wearin' metro roaming the streets of L.A. right now, keepin' it low-key with his pup...but not with that sweetheart Chris. No love connection there. Both bromancers have their own romantic interests at the moment. Thanks for the fab fantasy, though!

Dear Ted:
Does Jackie Bouffant attend the same notoriously gay bashes that other Blind Vice stars Parrish Maguire and Crescent Kumquat attend?

Dear Peeping Pixie:
He has. But not at the same time.

Dear Ted:
I just heard Katy Perry hurt herself dancing. Do you think she may have been partying a little too hard? Seems a bit strange that dancing could cause someone to need 17 stitches.

Dear Stitch-Slap!
That kind of injury's more likely to be caused by dancing than by partying! That said, anything's possible, sugar pie. Especially with game Perry, love that babe.

Dear Ted:
Why is Leighton Meester all over the place when she should be releasing her debut album? At first she said it would be in the fall of 2009; then she said she hoped to release it in early 2010. Is it that she needs more publicity before it drops? Because to me, it seems like it is going to fail epically.

Dear Laissez-Blair:
It'll drop when it drops, doll (and for the record, I'm hearing summer 2010). But don't count her out completely. Considering how well her singles have done, she might be more successful than you think.

Dear Ted:
I had two friends move to L.A. a few years back to "make it in the Industry." Instead, both girls got into drugs and very casual sex. They tell all us back home wild stories about how all the celebrities—both sexes, all ages, A-list to D-list—are on various heavy drugs and put out in order to get cast in anything. Could there be truth to these tales, or are my poor girls just caught up in a bad crowd? And if so, how does it not reach the public or physically show they are on drugs? Not everyone can cover up. We saw Robert Downey Jr. and we now see Lindsay Lohan!

Dear Hometown Mama:
I don't want to say that all of Hollywood is like that—'cause it's not. But there is a very healthy amount of truth to the rumors of debauchery, rumors that have been rampant about Tinseltown for the last 90 years. And some of it certainly reaches the public—such as the cases you've cited, to name just a few—but Hollywood players are masters of keeping things under wraps. You can blame the old  studio system of the '30s and their PR departments for that one.

Dear Ted:
My friend and I need you to settle a small disagreement. He thinks that DJ Qualls from Road Trip has a Blind Vice, but I assert that with only one, um, "successful" movie under his belt, he is not Blind Vice-worthy. However, he did date Nikki Reed a few years ago, and he is in a new TV show, Memphis Beat, so perhaps my friend is right and DJ is ripe for a Blind Vice?

Dear DJ Cupid:
Good eye for the former relaysh, Lizzie! Truth, DJ's not quite Blind-Vice famous yet—even though he's been freaking me out with that creepy, young Steve Buscemi look for the last 10 years. Maybe some new Memphis Beat attention will in fact put him on the radar? Lord knows that kid has got to be all kinds of kinky.

Dear Ted:
I admire Sophia Bush and Austin Nichols for their attempts to keep attention on the oil spill in the Gulf. I wonder where other famous Gulf-state celebs are? Your buddies Jensen Ackles (Texas) and his lovely wife Danneel Harris (Louisiana) come to mind...
Texas Girl

Dear Finger Pointer:
Hey now, don't throw those two under the bus without throwing the, I don't know, hundreds and hundreds of other Hollywood names who hail from the great Southeast but who aren't raising a finger. Regardless, every damn celeb needs to step it up! What good is having 5 million Twitter followers when you don't use it for something worth saying?

Dear Ted:
I really don't care as much about this person, but I feel like I figured it out. Is Moisty Mohr Weird Al Yankovic? Trust, I am way more interested in other celebs.

Dear Weird as Ever:
Nope. Although I think Weird Al is moisty enough.

Dear Ted:
Of the celebs most popular and raging in the '80s (now settled), who would you like to Vice about most?

Dear Flashback:
Probably Jagger. Can you imagine?

Dear Ted:
When looking at pictures of Robert Pattinson, what may I ask, is your favorite part to look at?

Dear Greaser:
The hair, darling. That guy's got some great, great f--king hair. And the dimples. He's an infectiously happy boy.

Dear Ted:
Could Morgan Mayhem be Jen Garner? I know she's supposedly cleaner than rainforest oxygen and a mother to boot, but no one comes to Hollywood and becomes a star without having to shake off a bit of dirt here or there. I know you can't really out them, but is this even close?

Dear Long Shot:
Not at all. Morgan is younger and infinitely less sweet-looking, -talking and -behavin'.

Dear Ted:
Can you explain how the virtual unknown Vera Farmiga lands a role in The Departed and Up In The Air? I read somewhere that she lives in rural New York and is not in the Hollywood scene. How did she get on the Industry radar?

Dear And So It Goes:
Sometimes people actually make it in this town based on their talent, not their crotch. Very unusual, but it does actually occur.

Dear Ted:
I'm getting caught up on the newest Blind Vices. I'm so curious about Buddy Rib-Toast! Is he a younger guy? Sam Worthington? Chris Pine? Am I in the ballpark?

Dear Take Me Out to the Balls Game:
Yep, he's a younger guy (compared to, say, Harrison Ford or somethin'). And yep, you're in the right ballpark.

Dear Ted:
Is Eli Roth worth my time? He seems to be serious with this Peaches woman. I always thought he was a nice Jewish boy with decent taste. I guess we nice Jewish girls who like horror movies will have to look elsewhere?

Dear The Grapes of Roth:
We ran into Peaches the other day, actually, and Eli was nowhere to be seen. Methinks they're just a fling and you'll get your shot one day. Well, maybe...

Dear Ted:
I was wondering if Moisty Mohr was either Ty Pennington or Gordon Ramsay? I thought that when you described how unfortunate-looking he is, that maybe there is some sarcasm there...
Just Guessin'

Dear Ugly as Sinner:
Nope. He's actually just unfortunate-looking.

Dear Ted:
Is Parrish Maguire James Franco?

Dear Quite Francly:
Nope. Think more consistent in his Hollywood image—Franco tends to jump around a little too much.

Dear Ted:
I always thought that Ashley Greene was chomping on a bitter pill since she tried out for but didn't get the part of Bella. Then we see her show up at the MuchMusic awards wearing a look-alike to Kristen's MTV Movie Awards dress! Please tell me that was done on purpose! Ashley has to have enough eyes out there to know what her costars are wearing!
Team Get Over Yourself

Dear Eyeless:
Actually, sorry to burst your exclamation-point bubble, babe, but Ashley's not keeping track of what her costars wear. Nobody is. Just pure fashion coincidence—although I'm sure some of you will consider it a wardrobe malfunction in an odd, unique sense of the word. This burning question deserves to be extinguished.

Dear Ted:
I have a question about Robert Downey Jr., who is of course my perfect man. I know his career is on fire and he and his wife seem super happy. I just wanted to check in and see if he's doing OK with his sobriety and if he and his wife are really that in love.

Dear Goin' Downey:
He's doing swell. He's still a bit quirky, but that's why we love the hunk. And he and his wife are very much the real thing. No business arrangement bullplop there!

Follow Team Awful on Twitter! @theawfultruth @taryder @jtyboone @snarc


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