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Cruise Spews Good News in The Soup Top 5

They say you can't relive the past. We have no idea who they are, but they've apparently never logged onto the Soup Top 5 countdown. The time machine is juiced up and set on Yucks Aplenty, so let's blast off, kids!

Tom Cruise: When it comes to gushing, the magical, always deeply sincere superstar puts the BP oil spill to shame. And when the subject of his various co-stars comes up on Live With Regis and Kelly, selfless Tom delivers more praise than a Benny Hinn rally.

Don't stop now!

Toddlers and Tiaras: Boone is a daddy who's damned proud of his 3-year-old daughter, and he has a special way of verbalizing his motivational nurturing. A special way that falls somewhere between an army drill sargeant and Simon Cowell.

LaToya Jackson: In search of the kind of closure over the tragic death of a sibling that can only come from having a TV crew filming while you spend face time with a caged animal the dead person used to own, the fifth child of the Jackson nine went to visit Bubbles the chimp. But, after all these years, will he recognize her? Probably not her nose.

Jersey Shore: They're toned and cut, these butch, cocky lads, muscles ripped for maximum sexual effect. Their meticuloulsy bronzed flesh is oiled and glistening. They're naked from the waist up, posing provocatively together. A searing scene from cocktail hour on Fire Island? Wrong shore, fella. It's just your favorite freakin' not-gay guidos!

Village Voice Cover, Jersey Shore Villagevoice.com

Danielle Staub: When a gal is feeling down and depressed, there's nothing like a little surgical attention to perk her right back up. And while you're in there doc, how about adding a few cup sizes to that withered self-esteem muscle?

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