Bitch-Back! Who's Craftier in Love—Rob or Jake?

The two hotties navigate similar secret love lives

Dear Ted:
Our rescue kitty, Trudi, is dying to know what is up with Jake Gyllenhaal. So many people think Jake is gay, but Trudi saw recent photos of him checking some girl out as she climbed some stairs. Did he do it to throw off the paps, or is he actually straight? (I don't think you can out someone as straight can you?) Inquiring kittens want to know...
—Treefon

Dear Yeah, Right:
I'm so sure Trudi is bypassing the catnip and the treats you spoil with her so she can check out the latest tabloids, uh-huh. Regardless, tell "Trudi" that Jake was checking out a pretty girl because that's what people who like sexy, pretty people do. The woman was a looker; he looked. End of story. Add to that, however, that Jake wants you right where you are: wondering. He's adamant that his intimate side remain his. Remind you of anybody else?

Dear Ted:
There's been a lot of discussion over the last two years concerning the time line of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart's relationship. Assuming, based on a recent Bitch-Back, that originally the whole "are they or aren't they" debacle was per Summit's doing, then when did their actual romance start? Many devoted followers believe that around the time the Twi trinity went to Japan to promote New Moon Rob and Kristen decided to stop listening to Summit's gag orders and began an already budding relationship. My rescue puppy, Layla, says she loves you!
—LJG

Dear Almost There:
These devoted followers you speak of are incorrect, technically. Robsten decided to do just as they pleased earlier—and they've decided to keep that stance (and explain themselves to no one) ever since. Messy licks right back to Layla!

Dear Ted:
Now that Jake the Bachelor shockingly broke up with the girl (sarcasm), he and Kate Gosselin should get together. Fame seekers unite!
—Jasmolak

Dear Don't Laugh:
Consider it only a matter of time. They are perfect together. We simply must make this happen.

Dear Ted:
How do Rob and Kristen "define" their relationship? I am so confused now. At first it seemed very real, and now not so much.
—Dictionary.com 

Dear Bookish:
I would look under the V's and check out two entries: "very chill" and  "versatile." 

Dear Ted:
Since you've said that Me-Me Dallas is happy with her current BF (for now), is there any chance of a Tobey-Darla reunion? Or were too many bridges burned?
—Lbygenes

Dear Kiddie-Coded:
Me-Me and Tobey Yum-Yum will get back together way before Tobey and Darla Jones ever do. Way.

Dear Ted:
Do you have any gossip on Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale? Are they one of the normal couples in Hollywood? Just curious. Not to pimp them out (they've been through enough), but I do have three adopted pit bulls that were rescued from dog fighting rings.
—Kprich 

Dear Sweet Stuff:
That is the best rescue story, thank you! Michael Vick shoulda been put away a lot longer for savagely killing and making those dogs fight each other, don't you think? Back to happier stuff: Yes, Gwen and Gavin are one of the more real couples in town, but unfortunately, they only got to be like that because they had to work through crap like a lotta other people do here. But there's been a happy ending.

Dear Ted:
Please tell me this isn't true. I just read that Rob said Twilight can get a bit boring. I don't think he is dating Kristen. Sorry, but they are never together.
—ARW

Dear Yes and No:
He is right; you are not. Have a nice day!

Dear Ted:
Why do the JoBros try so hard to push the purer-than-the-driven-snow thing.
—Aiden, AL

Dear Simple:
It sells.

Dear Ted:
Just wanted you to know that not all dog breeders are evil. My boxer, Sammy, came from a very responsible breeder. We signed a contract with her that requests that we bring our dog back to her if we ever need to give him up for any reason. She will keep him or find another home for him. My question is: Out of all of the closeted Blind Vices, who do you think will be the most likely to come out first?
—Pookie

Dear Homo-Anxious:
Crotch Uh-Lastic, without a doubt. And, sweetheart, it's not that all dog-breeders are evil—it's the evil that their existence creates. Millions of healthy and wonderful animals are not being adopted at shelters and, consequently, are being euthanized (a fancy word for killed, just to make humans feel better about the horrors they're doing) every year. Often this is because people go to dog breeders and puppy stores, instead. Clearly, there should be a law that no dogs are allowed to be bred until all shelter animals have been saved. That's my opinion.

Dear Ted:
Is Tom Cruise as down-to-earth and friendly as he seems in interviews, or is it all an act? I'm sure down-to-earth is a relative term considering how rich he is, but he comes off very likable in interviews.
—Lauren

Dear It's True:
Except when he's on Oprah's couch or Matt Lauer's stool, the answer is most often yes. This is from my own experience and many people I know who have met and worked with him.

Dear Ted:
How many songs on Miley Cyrus's new album do you think are about her knight in shining armor, Nick Jonas?
—Curiousgman

Dear Let's See:
How many songs are on the album, again? That many.

Dear Ted:
I am wondering if Judas Jack-Off's "dimpled" girlfriend deserves her own moniker? Is she a celebrity? Also, has Dax Shepard ever been a B.V.?
—Thellama

Dear Threesome:
Judas' GF will never get her own name, yes she is and oh yes he has!

Dear Ted:
What's the real deal with Amanda Bynes? I used to think she had the potential to be a comedic genius, but after following her for a while on Twitter and reading her ridiculous comments day after day, it seems like she's either a little bit stupid or totally stoned. Now with her big retirement announcement, I gotta ask: Is she on something?
—MBailey

Dear Don't Be Fooled:
Yeah, on the way to being more famous. 

Dear Ted:
I am a (soon to be) 35-year-old woman who reads your column way too much. And yes, I love Twilight (Robsten, whatever) way too much. I will admit that I mainly read these postings and occasionally I check the comments to see what others are saying. Does it ever freak you out how mean or hateful some of the comments are?
—Needless to say, a fan

Dear Fellow Robsten Lover:
Two things: mean breeds mean. Remember, most of these hateful folks were probably told no thank you at birth. And second, will I see you tonight at the Nokia? Can't wait!