Twentieth Century Fox, Warner Bros.
Twentieth Century Fox, Warner Bros.
As our own tiny ode to the creative forces behind these masterpieces (aka, not actually masterpieces) we've compiled a list of the top 9 worst flicks featuring chatty cockroaches, cats, kangaroos and other critters. Spot No. 10 has been left open for you to decide.
Behold, the list:
1. Howard the Duck
There really is intelligent life out there in the universe. And while humans have speculated for millennia on what any space neighbors might be like, it turns out they're really just three-foot-tall ducks who speak fluent English and are into punk-rock chicks. Yep, ducks. Who knew?
2. Beverly Hills Chihuahua
Breaking from the classic mold of putting animals in sunglasses to get the laughs, this film went with animals having accents and then having them say cute things like, "Talk to the paw!" And unfortunately it worked, making $145 million. Proof again that just because something's the worst doesn't mean it isn't successful.
3. Joe's Apartment
What started off as an MTV short should have stayed an MTV short. But the minds over at MTV Films thought differently. They thought we deserved 80 minutes of cockroaches (they couldn't even make it to 90 with this idea) who not only speak with stereotyped accents, but who also break into song and dance routines. Did we really deserve that?
4. Look Who's Talking Now
As if the sequel with another talking baby wasn't enough, this third installment where the pets talk just reeked of desperation...and laziness: a spoiled poodle interacts with a street-wise mutt. Sounds way too similar to an already-existing and excellent movie featuring personified pets.
Hollywood is mining the past for anything it can remake with a modern twist. No surprise. But when it comes to turning Saturday-morning cartoons loose on the big screen, we get this before we get Thundercats, Voltron or even the Smurfs? Fortunately, this Dog didn't resonate with audiences and it faded back into the darkness rather quickly.
6. Kangaroo Jack
Remember this one? Of course you do, it was the No. 1 movie in the country the weekend it came out. And wow, it's Jerry O'Connell's second appearance on the list! He was the "Joe" of Joe's Apartment. Congrats, Jerry! So tell us, what was it about a hip-hop-styled kangaroo stealing $50,000 that captured your hearts? Was it because he wore sunglasses?
7. Alvin and the Chipmunks
Another Hollywood repeat with updated, snazzy, timely lines for its animal characters to deliver in adorable voices. One chipmunk even says, like, bow-chicka-wow-wow. And we still can't decide if that's worse or better than one of the chipmunks singing the Pussycat Dolls' "Don't Cha." We'll probably be stuck on this one for a long time.
8. Doctor Dolittle
Eddie Murphy practically sleepwalks through this film. He gladly gives the scenes over to flatulence-happy animals; you can see him imagining new ways to spend all the money he was paid just to appear. And he did his job well enough that he was asked back to do a second installment! Hey, even Eddie Murphy has to eat.
9. Garfield: The Movie
We've saved the best for last! And conveniently, this ties in with this week's Marmaduke release as another movie spawned from a comic strip. To quote a New York Post critic, Garfield was "a downright cat-astrophe." Things are really, really bad when an intentionally cheesy headline is funnier than anything Bill Murray said as the voice of a lazy cat.
10. You tell us!
Now it's up to you to complete the list with your own take on the dumbest talking-animal movie. Are you barking mad we left Cats & Dogs off? Or that we forgot Hot to Trot?
To the comments!
Other movies besides Marmaduke are out this week. Check 'em out in our Totally New Releases gallery.