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    Bitch-Back! What’s Wrong With Nickelodeon Chicks?

    Miranda Cosgrove, Miley Cyrus Steve Granitz/WireImage.com; Frazer Harrison/Getty Images

    Dear Ted:
    Why are the Disney kids so much more popular than the Nickelodeon teens? In my opinion, Miranda Cosgrove, Jennette McCurdy, Victoria Justice, etc. are so much more talented and interesting than Miley, Demi and the rest? So what's up?
    —Corrine

    Dear Queen Bees:
    The Nickelodeon girls aren't scandalous enough—not by a long shot. Clearly they need to pick up a copy of Making Headlines 101 (written by Miles, duh) if they want to change their H'wood status. Plus, it doesn't help that they've got no Jo Bro-types to date—just ask Demi.

    Dear Ted:
    I just want to ask about K.Stew. She's here down under at the moment and getting a roasting by our local photogs with pictures of her giving "the bird." I think it must be pretty harrowing having photogs chasing your every move but thought that was a bit unclassy of the cherub. What do you say: Has her 'tude changed, or has she just had enough?
    —Josie

    Dear Etiquette:
    Sure, may not be the most PC move, but I love the babe for being real. As for her ‘tude, K.Stew has been pretty consistent with her hatred of the paps. She's one of the "just wants to act" actors who actually do care more about working than being famous. Can't say that for very many folks in young H'wood.

    Dear Ted:
    Have Emma Roberts or Katy Perry ever been B.V.s? I saw a picture of Emma at the London premiere of one of her movies and she looked "worse for the wear" to put it nicely.
    —B

    Dear Double Trouble:
    Yep, but which? Or maybe both? It's so hard to keep track of all the naughty things going on in T-town. OK, just one of them, at this point.

    Dear Ted:
    Two years ago I adopted an 8-year-old special-needs cat from a rescue and two months ago I took in a 5-month-old pregnant kitten who decided to have her kittens on my bed four days ago! I never ask you for anything, Ted, so could you please "not" Matt Damon if he's not Dougy Dry-Hump for me? Matt is my favorite, but for as much as I love and respect him as an actor, I cannot forget what a D-bag he was in the way he dumped Minnie for Winona back in the day. We all make mistakes in the way we handle certain situations, so I am really hoping Matt is a better man these days. Please tell me he is not DDH!
    —Bren

    Dear You're Welcome:
    Love your rescue work, babe, so I'll give in this time: While he may have some dubious history, Matt Damon ain't Dougy. Feel better? Doug isn't quite as A-list as Matt.

    Dear Ted:
    Sophia Bush did an interview with E! recently where she talked a little about her relationship with Austin Nichols. What several people are conveniently glossing over is that Sophia clearly mentioned that she and Austin have been "on and off" since she left her cheating ex-husband. There are fan pictures of Sophia and Austin from 2006, then 2008 when her relationship with Jon Foster ended and then the third time wasn't until Austin joined One Tree Hill. They started dating in 2009 after Sophia and James Lafferty broke up. I've always gotten the feeling that you're not a fan of Sophia and Austin's relationship, but you're the only one who can set things straight. Some people have completely misinterpreted what Sophia said and have put words in her mouth while jumping to false conclusions. Can you please set people straight?
    —U

    Dear Twist My Mouth:
    "Convenient" just like their relaysh, huh—no matter how long they've been supposedly dating?

    Dear Ted:
    Is Moisty Mohr Jimmy Kimmel?
    —Vanessa

    Dear Left Out to Dry:
    Nope, J.K. isn't her skeeze ball TV star. Still thinking too funny—Moisty isn't really one for comedy.

    Dear Ted:
    Bar Refaeli has always mentioned having kids. The exciting part is that Leo has mentioned he's "thinking more and more about family." It looks like this long-term bachelor is finally starting to think about settling down! Wouldn't they make the cutest babies! Seeing as they both have very unique names, what kind of names would they name their kids? What do you think they'll go with based on what you gather from their personalities?
    —K

    Dear Name Game:
    Poker Chips? That's kind of cute for a little girl, right? Probably at the top of Leo's list right now too, which is why I don't think he'll knock up the hottie model anytime soon. But I do agree that that baby would be friggin' gorgeous.

    Dear Ted:
    Now that Sarah Jessica Parker is all over the celebrity world due to her latest SATC movie, it brings up the question: What is the deal between her and Matthew Broderick? And how is life with the twins?
    —Ann

    Dear Domestic Hiss:
    They actually get along pretty well, despite Matthew's brush with the more tabloid side o' things. They really are a sweet, very real couple. It's just that it's been difficult, at times, for doughy Matthew to navigate his ultrathin wife's colossal success.

    Dear Ted:
    Am I the only one who thinks Betty White looks exceptionally good for her age? There is no way that woman is 88! What's her secret?
    —Ailish

    Dear 88 and Great:
    What's that old saying: Laughter is the best medicine? Corny, but true. Don't think B.W. has a H'wood secret to her health—she just takes good care of herself. Plus, she's tough as hell. You have no idea what she had to deal with working alongside Bea Arthur.

    Dear Ted:
    Kinda random, but is Venetia Vag-O-Matic Kate Bosworth? I have an adopted 3-year-old beagle basset mix and love Robsten!
    —Nene

    Dear A for Effort:
    Way to think outside the box, but V2 isn't Kate. Kate has far fewer Vicey secrets than her current beau. Think a bit less traditionally sexy.

    Dear Ted:
    Crescent Kumquat has become quite popular these days—almost as popular as Toothy Tile! I wonder if his costars know what's been going on with him lately? Also, how is he doing since we last heard of his herpes situation?
    Melia

    Dear Popularity Contest:
    I don't think Cres will challenge T2's B.V. throne anytime soon (Toothy has his own friggin' website after all), but C.K. is definitely loving his time in the limelight—and trust, he's been having plenty of fun lately. Some of his costars are aware of his skanky habits; others remain in the dark.

    Dear Ted:
    Can you give us a clue to which B.V. Zac Efron has been?
    —Claire

    Dear Clued In:
    He's been a repeat offender, definitely couldn't fit all his baggage into one B.V.

    Dear Ted:
    Well you were right. "Jemi" didn't last very long. Was there a particular reason you didn't think Joe and Demi would have longevity, or was it just a hunch?
    —IB

    Dear Please:
    No hunch needed, doll, it was oB.V.ious.

    Dear Ted:
    Your Blind Vices are what keep me glued to your site. I'll be the first to admit that I'm absolutely horrible at guessing them. I really have no clue. But feel I know Seymour Plow-Me-More, and I've been cheering for him to come out. Really, I've been so excited thinking any minute he'll throw off those damned chains. Go, go, go, Seymour! But Seymour is not coming out of the closet anytime in the foreseeable future, is he?
    —N

    Dear Cheerleader:
    Heck no, not unless you drag him out, kicking and screaming. But don't be fooled: Deep down inside, Seymour would love to be forced out.

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    Want some clues on your fave B.V. stars? Check out the Bitch-Back section.