Lindsay Lohan

Devone Byrd/

Dear Ted:
RE: The Lohan trainwreck. So the court orders her to behave and everyone around her (her lawyer, her mother, etc.) has hissy fits. What has to happen before someone actually helps her? So far the judge seems to be doing the most—and it ain't much! Forcing her to follow through on the bracelet, the drug tests and the alcohol classes will only go so far when her lawyer fights so hard to enable Lohan to continue her downward spiral.

Dear Step One:
La Lohan herself has to admit she actually needs help. The newly blond babe is in just as much denial as her enabler mother and cling-on friends—it's going to take more than a SCRAM bracelet and slap on the hand from a judge to fix Lindsay.

Dear Ted:
Jennifer Aniston
looks fab in her new H2O ads. And we know she's secretly a chain-smoker. While some of us take water breaks when working out, Jen takes ciggie breaks. How does Ms. Healthy's body look so good when cigarettes are her main food group? (Although I do think all the cigs are starting to show on her face.)

Dear Up In Smoke:
While most would chalk it up to another H'wood miracle, my good pal Answer B!tch gives a much more scientific answer. But hell, I'll still say it's a miracle.

Dear Ted:
There are rumors that Danneel and Jensen are already having trouble. She is not getting the PR she thought she would and Jensen is not getting the vacation he wanted. Have you heard anything about this or any other issues they are having? Thanks! P.S.: I have two stray cats that I adopted, and I don't mean members from the '80s band.

Dear Wedding Woes:
As much as the Jackles fantatics would love to hear divorce papers have already been filed, the couple is still in its honeymoon period. And by "honeymoon," I mean loving the PR splash they made at the TV upfronts just days after they said "I do."

Dear Ted:
The Kirsten Dunst burglary suspect says drugs were involved. Has she ever been a Blind Vice? If so, can I get a clue?

Dear Onto Something:
Yes, Kirsten is actually a very famous member of the Blind Vice club. All sorts of charming debauchery were involved.

Dear Ted:
First of all, I must say that you are absolutely the only columnist I trust. Love your stuff! My question is about Jared Leto. I've always gotten the feeling that he only has a passing acquaintance with sanity, which is how I seem to like my men. I believe you've said he's been a B.V. Any hints as to which one? I don't own any rescue pets, but I do round up strays and take them to no kill shelters, where they'll hopefully get a better life. Thanks.

Dear Leto Lover:
Met him several times, I like him. He's weird, a bit quirky, handsome and totally not into the PR spin. Also pretty talented, not that that many people know it, as Jared hates playing the Hollywood game.

Dear Ted:
Longtime reader, first-time writer. I was just curious, when you are generating the names for your B.V. stars, how revealing are you being? Are you just using a random word generator or do the names give sneaky insights into the identity/behavior/details? Whether you answer or not, love your site and your delicious, scandalous B.V.s!

Dear Name Game:
not random, babe. There's plenty of thought that goes into each B.V. star's name, whether it be a clue to their personal appearance, public rep, or nasty little habits.

Dear Ted:
I've just read Kristen's interview in Elle. She's been saying for a while she doesn't talk about her relationship 'cause she wants to protect it (I wonder from what?) and now she's spilling the beans by riddles? (Guess who's the guy of her iPod's pic?) I thought she was more coherent. It's getting pathetic, don't you agree?

Dear Disagree:
While our numero uno chick certainly doesn't want to blab every detail of her relaysh with good old Rob, I've told you millions of times that the couple loves to tease the fans who are so into them. Elle was no exception.

Dear Ted:
Big fan of the column! I am sorry if you have already addressed this, but I was wondering if you have any insight into the realness of the Erin Andrews-Maksim relationship? I never once believed that Chad and Cheryl were actually dating, but somehow Erin and Maks do seem realistic. Is it just a good act for the show, or is something real going on? Either way they both seem really nice. Thanks!

Dear Dancing Duo:
The couple is loving the attention they're getting about whether they are or are not dating—and, trust, they're loving every second of it. More than each other, at least. But hey—all those dance rehearsals probably led to some chemistry, right?

Dear Ted:
With all of these recent celeb deaths, I have to know, is Toothy Tile still alive and well? Also is there any chance he'll be out of the closet or is he lost in Narnia?

Dear Obituary:
Babe, don't you think I would have gone through some sort of grieving if T2 had passed away? No he's still alive and better than ever. As for coming out though, doubt it anytime soon. No reason for him to, that's how he sees it.

Dear Ted:
I was thinking about Nelly Fang the other day and was wondering, when did these "encounters" take place? Were they last year (since the B.V. was posted in December) and what month(s)? I was thinking that knowing the timeline may help with confirming or clearing the one remaining obvious choice, if one were to consider filming locations and schedules.
—C'est Moi

Dear Not So Fast:
You don't honestly expect me to just give that dish away once you've revealed your master plan to me, do you, Frenchie? Got to be a lot more clever than that! Weather was warm, though, I'll tell ya that much

Dear Ted:
I've got it! Moisty Mohr is Drew Carey! Right?

Dear Funny Man:
Sorry, Cath, but M2 still remains a mystery. Think far less funny than Carey.

Dear Ted:
I've recently become hopelessly addicted to your column (much love from the U.K.). Reading up on the sleazy and kind of tragic epic of JJO and DDD has made me wonder; are there any closeted celeb couples in Tinseltown in happy relationships you just don't tell us about because they behave? Or does it always end like a bad soap plot like it has has for poor DDD and his dreamy ex? I'm a sucker for any kind of happy ending, though, so any chance these two can reconcile and be together with or without beards even in secret? What would it take? Props for all the effort you put in for our adorable animal friends BTW.
—B.V. Addict

Dear Heart Breaker:
Sure, being on the DL doesn't help a relaysh—and while some can make it work (Toothy and Grey), it's tough to keep things together with so much pressure. Especially when these dudes see out couples like Neil Patrick Harris and his BF being honest and happy.

Dear Ted:
I felt bad for Jesse James upon hearing that he claims his father beat the tar out of him when he was a kid can he blame that for all the "sleeping with skank of the month" stuff he did while married to Sandy? Do you see some sort of connection there that I missed? Thanks! You're still the best of all the gossip hounds out there!

Dear Excuses Excuse:
Thanks! As to James, not only does the dad deny the charges, it's just another attempt at trying to pass the guilt instead of 'fessing up to Jesse's own mistakes.

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