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    Bitch-Back! Who the Heck is Moisty Mohr?

    Rush Limbaugh, Larry King, Bill Maher ZumaPress.com; Jerod Harris/ZumaPress.com; ZumaPress.com

    Dear Ted:
    I know this guess may be out there—but the fact that no one has guessed his identity intrigues me. So here's my first ever question to you, Ted: Could Moisty Mohr be Larry King? Or is he younger? (I can't imagine he'd be older.) And what about the women he's "dated"? Anyone well known? Or does he keep it to wannabes that may be known around the block but not to the general public? I love the BV guessing game and can't wait for more!
    —K

    Dear Slippery When Moist:
    Not King, babe, but good guess. M2 isn't quite as powerful. As for the babes he's banging, no one with name recognition—skanky gold diggers who want a piece of his fortune, that's all.

    Dear Ted:
    So you said no one had even guessed correctly on Moisty Mohr. My immediate thought was Bill Maher...am I right? Love from my rescue kitties Tallulah and Frank Sinatra!
    —SLP

    Dear Most Popular Guess:
    Your immediate thought and half the other readers, too. But no, darling—haven't I been telling you guys 'n' gals the obvious guess is hardly the right one?

    Dear Ted:
    I've got it. Moisty Mohr is Rush Limbaugh. Confirm this if I'm right, so I can go bleach my brain and poke out my mind's eye.
    —Lori

    Dear Close Call:
    Especially
    good stab there, looks wise. So while it ain't Rush, you may want to keep that bleach handy.

    Dear Ted:
    I would love for you to clear something up: If SCRAM doesn't detect prescription drug use, then what good is it? If Lindsay Lohan can get high off 'scrips then she can probably manage to stay away from alcohol and drugs. There are a million drugs she can take without the ankle detector notifying the court. She's just going to get around it like she did before—isn't it a waste of time?
    —Daisy

    Dear SCRAMbled:
    Weekly random drug testing, Dais. But the real question is: How long you think La Lohan will last? Why the hell wasn't she at least sentenced to a half-way house? This same-old-crap stuff from the courts is a joke. And if L2 weren't a celebrity, this kind of continued enabling would never happen.

    Dear Ted:
    Get ready for the Moisty flood gates to unleash! Since Bill O'Reilly wasn't correct but was so close, here's my guess: Glenn Beck. He's a major douche with major ratings and in the same television category as O'Reilly (he also pains my eyes). I'd love for it to be him; I'm tired of his tears and his douchey-ness! It's time for Glenn Beck to cry himself a river and get washed away by it! So, is Glenn Beck Moisty Mohr?
    —Heart

    Dear Revenge Served Wet:
    While it breaks my heart to have to nix your dream douche, you won't find Glenn getting busy in the dressing rooms. But here's your silver lining: maybe he's so horrible even the skanky chicks won't have him? Does that make you feel better?

    Dear Ted:
    Do you think Toothy Tile has made a deal with the devil? I mean, he's a family man—a father (according to you) and in a committed relationship with a wonderful partner. Yet he has to hide his loved ones in order to appear on billboards and movie posters all over the world. Do you think it's all about the adulation or the money? I can see him saying, I don't need all the money of a Fey Oiled Tush, but, how many actors could give up the kind of adulation that comes along with a major studio's backing? It's so sad that Hollywood forced him to make such a choice!
    —TDB

    Dear Sad-Face:
    Are you nuts? This is business as usual in Hollywood, which has more self-hating gays than any other spot in the world—and that's saying plenty.

    Dear Ted:
    I love six degrees of Awful Truth! I really wish you'd play this game more often. How 'bout if I start? Chet Chick Muncher and Strawberry Snort'Em—do they know each other very well? Carnally well? And Crotch Uh-Lastic and Crescent Kumquat—do you think Crescent would be scared of Crotch? I imagine CUL has a heck of a 'come-hither' smile. Fey Oiled Tush and Hard Nipple Nick—do you think Nick would lend Fey his pilot?
    —Michael

    Dear Q&A:
    No. Yes. Maybe.

    Dear Ted:
    With Brittany Murphy's husband dying, although it's a sensitive time, don't you think its time to reveal her Blind Vice? I feel like, unless it airs just her dirty laundry, maybe it is time to do her some justice from this "monster" she was married to?
    —Clueless

    Dear Hello?:
    Brittany's Vice has zero to do with who she regretfully married.

    Dear Ted:
    What's going on with Robert Buckley that he's gone from this to this? Don't get me wrong! He's a gorgeous man either way—and I know you don't keep all those muscles without hours in the gym every day—but you're always going on about the Hollywood mystery diets and how unhealthy they are for the young starlets, so what do you think is behind Robert's weight loss? Are the producers forcing him to unnaturally slim down? Does he have contract nervosa? Or is he just naturally a bean pole when he's not in the gym? If it's fair game to remark on every starlet's 5-pound loss or gain, then it's fair for the boys, too.
    —M

    Dear Fear Not:
    Most likely the last one, babe. Rob is finally on a show where he doesn't have to be shirtless the whole time to get scenes, so he doesn't have to stay beefed up all the time. A relief for him, but kind of disappointing for us, huh?

    Dear Ted:
    My guess for Toothy Tile and Grey Goose is Tom Cruise and John Travolta. Am I close, or way off? Love your column, it totally gets me thru the day. And thank you for all your shout outs and tireless efforts supporting animal shelters. I have a Russian Blue who is blind in one eye after being abandoned in a gutter and my family wouldn't be the same without him! Kisses.
    —Lili

    Dear BV Blunder:
    Kisses to your kitty who sounds fab, which makes me sad to say your guess is a no-go. Maybe those dudes have other Vices?

    Dear Ted:
    Those are some pretty bold statements you've made about Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban recently, Ted! And to think I had actually begun to believe the over-the-top and nauseating declarations of adoration from Keith. Very interesting...Thanks muchly for your always insightful column, from me and my two airport hanger cats.
    —Kate

    Dear Speak Up:
    Yep, it's always the ones who blab about the sex life the loudest that have the lousiest, huh? I call it Will Smith complex.

    Dear Ted:
    Is Justin Bieber Parrish Maguire? Case closed, babes.
    —K

    Dear Detective Dud:
    Keep looking for clues, K, cause Biebs isn't the boy-loving babe. P.M. has way more sex appeal than Justin could ever even dream of.

    Dear Ted:
    Thank you for your blolumn, love it. I have a guess or two for Moisty Mohr. Since their shows are so sleazy and can get so raucous, I think he could be either Jerry Springer or Maury Povich. Close? Missed by a mile?
    —Di

    Dear Wrongo:
    Moisty leaves his sleazing for off-air only. He's quite the opposite when he's on the boob tube. Pathetically so.

    Dear Ted:
    First off, Happy Birthday AT! Been an avid fan since 2001, wish you at least 2 more decades of decadent reporting! We are still waiting for Toothy Tile to at least open a bit his closet door, for Jennifer Aniston to really fall head over heels with a good guy, for Angelina to finally drop Brad and hook up with...? Who knows, who cares. You were the first to report on the reality of Robsten, even if here in Canada we did not see a thing while they were filming, and Toothy still drawing unsuspected females like flies to honey! My favorite AT couple that never happened? Nicole Kidman and Lenny Kravitz, that couple was all sex and very wild. NK never looked better. But tell us Ted, which Blind Vicer you would like to see revealed soon, and why? You always have calculating reasons we don't always see! Keep up the great work, and again, Happy Birthday!
    —Rita

    Dear Blow Out The Candles:
    Thanks, Rita, hope to stick around for another 32 decades, too. Completely agree about Nic and Lenny—it was Nic's last sexy beast era. And as for the DL dude I'd most like to see come out? Heck, why not all of 'em. That'll mean things are changing in H'wood.

    ________

    Want clues on Moisty Mohr and other BV stars? Check out the Bitch-Back section.

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