Vittorio Zunino Celotto/WireImage.comOK, now we've heard it all.
When Lindsay Lohan made her way to Cannes a couple days before her show-up-or-else hearing, the world let out a collective sigh. Would she make it back in time for tomorrow's court date? Would she make it back at all? Would she get jail time? And, most importantly, what oh what would her excuse be when if she didn't?
Hint: if you had "volcano" in your office pool, better luck next time.
Ladies and gentleman, we give you Lindsay's excuse:
"Her passport was stolen," attorney Shawn Chapman Holley tells E! News. "She is doing everything in her power to get a temporary passport and get home."
Apparently, the options Lohan has exhausted include partying on the French Riviera into the very early hours, kicking British pop stars out of clubs and flirting with the boyfriends of former costars.
Man, the red tape those embassies put you through!
The passport disappearance is particularly untimely seeing as how it comes on the heels of prosecutors vowing to show LiLo no mercy should she be found in violation of any court orders. The deputy D.A. assigned to case says she will push for 180 days of jail time if Lohan has engaged in excessive alcohol use, used illegal drugs, lied to the court or failed to either attend or abide by the terms of her alcohol-education course.
But there may still be hope for Lindsay, as defense attorney to the stars J. Michael Flanagan tells E! News that even if Lohan misses tomorrow's hearing and a bench warrant is issued in her name, it doesn't necessarily mean she will wind up in jail.
"Judge Revel really has a tendency to give people a second chance," he said. "She has a reputation for being harsh in the past, but she has mellowed on her years on the bench. I think she will give Lindsay a chance to finish the alcohol program before dealing with her harshly.
"So as long as Lindsay has not violated the law, most judges have a tendency to be flexible."
Dina Lohan, for her part, confirmed the almost unbelievable story, telling E! News exclusively, "We are still working with the embassy. Her passport was stolen. We have made a police report."
(Incidentally, a rep for the police in Cannes tells E! News there is no record of such a report, saying, "No, we don't have any stole property reports filed under that name.")
Unsurprisingly, Michael Lohan is among those pushing for the harsh punishment—and arching the proverbial brow at his spawn's latest creative excuse.
"First it was the volcano and now it's a stolen passport, come on," he tells E! News. "She should never have gone to Cannes. Her film is not green-lit. I know if she wanted to raise fundraising for Linda Lovelace and I know it's important for her to be there, but not with this case over her head. She should never have gone."
He feels that the court will share his take on the situation.
"The judge knows she should have imposed stricter guidelines from the start. Then Lindsay started trying to pull the wool over her eyes and she feels like she has been slighted. The judge is going to throw the book at her. She is going to throw her in jail."
Not that that's what he wants, mind you.
"I am very upset, as I am sure the judge will be, that Lindsay cannot make it back, for whatever reason there is. Her 'situation' has to be addressed and I pray this delay doesn't further hurt her," he continues.
"It's obvious that Lindsay needs help, not incarceration, and I have a program and people in place that will satisfy the court and finally provide Lindsay with the help she needs to have her real life back."
Michael's revelations didn't stop there. Apparently, in his latest endeavor, he has a surprising ally.
"On another note, I have met with Dina to resolve our differences, which I believe we have," he said. "I can honestly say that we shared a much needed moment of truth that ended on a very positive note. I actually felt the old Dina, that I married and truly love!"
Now if only we could get back the old Lindsay. In the meantime, the new Lindsay seems to be making the most of being stranded.
Coincidentally, Lohan has been confirmed as one of the VIP attendees scheduled to attend an Artists for Peace and Justice Haiti-oriented benefit gala in Cannes tomorrow night. So, getting your passport stolen has its up sides, too, hmm?
—Additional reporting by Whitney English and Lindsay Miller