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    Bitch-Back! Battle of the Vamps—Twilight vs. Diaries

    Paul Wesley, Nina Dobrev, Katerina Graham, Candice Accola, Ian Somerhalder, Vampire Diaries Guy D'Alema/The CW

    Dear Ted:
    I am so sick of the whole Twilight stuff. I can't even find a word that would express it. So in hotter news and since it was the last episode of the season, I need to know juice on the Vampire Diaries cast, Ian, Paul and Nina. I know Ian has a girlfriend, but what about Paul? And are they as nice as they seem when you see them in interviews?
    —Marylin

    Dear Diaries in Demand:
    Why can't all the vamps just get along—I mean, we already know Nina is a huge fan of that other hunky vampire Alexander Skarsgård. As for how nice the cast is, sure they all get along fairly well, but for at least one of the three you listed, this newfound fame is certainly going to his or her head, making him/her a total pain in the ass to deal with.

    Dear Ted:
    You're not seriously telling us that you actually got an invite to Jensen and Danneel's wedding and that you turned it down? Why would you do that to us? You were supposed to be there to make sure it actually happened (and to tell us if they flinched when it got to the "you may kiss the bride" part—heavens knows it doesn't look like they lock lips very often). At least tell us that you're getting some exclusive pics out of the deal?
    —Enid

    Dear No-Show:
    I love weddings as much as the next guy, but I had a conflict that weekend, which I told Danneel about and she was quite sympathetic to—she's actually very cool. Why folks find that so hard to understand, is what baffles me...almost as much as those two sexy stars not taking a sweetass honeymoon. Stunning.

    Dear Ted:
    In your latest Blind Vice about the gorgeous Crescent Kumquat, you mentioned that the guy who originally gave the publicist herpes was another closeted bisexual star. Am I wrong in my suspicions that this stained stud might be our own dear Nelly Fang? How about it, Ted, hot or cold? Kisses.
    —Curiosity Killed The...

    Dear Not Nelly:
    Smooches back, and no. Though you're right in thinking this other dude has been a B.V. of the best variety. Just not of the sexy vamp variety.

    Dear Ted:
    Are Secretia Ohio and Chester Shorts-Off Beyoncé and Jay-Z?
    —N

    Dear Bonnie and Clyde:
    B and Jay aren't the swinging couple, think far less powerful. Far (though they may not actually realize it).

    Dear Ted:
    When a bearded couple marries in an elaborate ceremony, with lots of friends and family in attendance, is everyone "in on the joke" (for tragic lack of a better choice of words)? I just find it hard to believe that so many people—especially those not tied to the Industry—would gather in one place to fake celebrate two people in such a way. If this is so, are all guests made to sign confidentiality agreements? How romantic! Exactly how far-reaching are these matrimony charades, made in publicist-heaven?
    —Jenny

    Dear Fake Rice:
    What's the shock difference here between that and whole marriages lived out in order for both stars to propel their careers? And no, guests most often do not sign nondisclosure agreements. The situation would simply be akin to all those civilian marriages folks attend, the whole time muttering to themselves, "It'll never last."

    Dear Ted:
    Given all the sex scandals, celebs are lucky they aren't caught sooner. One of the most shocking things about the Tiger drama was that so many women kept their mouths shut for so long (until all hell broke loose). How is it that they aren't "outed" by the women, and men, they sleep with sooner? You write about them as Blind Vices, but how come more celebs aren't caught sooner and more publicly?
    —Lemon

    Dear Loose Lips:
    Some famous folks use confidentiality agreements to keep their skanky secrets out of the press, but others (especially the DL dudes hooking up with noncelebs) rely on an "unspoken code," of sorts. Like a hey-don't-tell-the-press-we're-banging-and-we'll-keep-banging deal, get it? Stunningly, it usually works.

    Dear Ted:
    Just adopted one beautiful dog, and I can tell you he's dying to know just like me what the deal is with the love triangle between Rob/Kristen/Nikki. It must have been pretty messy considering Kris and Nikki's BFF status.
    —Ashley

    Dear Geometry Lesson:
    No love triangle anymore, Ashley. The Nikki side is long over.

    Dear Ted:
    Kate Bosworth
    sure has some mojo, don't you think? All the guys she dates take her seriously (as in, taking her to meet the 'rents) right after they start dating. I only met my fiancé's parents after we were together for about six months. Kate looks blond, bland, fragile and tiny, but she must be really good in bed.
    —Theresa

    Dear Bosworth Bedrock:
    Can't say I know the über-thin babe's bedside manners—obviously—but I can think of a few other reasons why she'd be parading around Skars, both overseas and here in H'wood.

    Dear Ted:
    I know I am not the only one who thinks the sudden love connection between Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato is fake. What is the reason behind Lovato's constant urge to blab to the press about her relationship? Is she actually delusional enough to think it is the real deal, or trying to hard to play up the PR stunt?
    —Hunny

    Dear Speak Up:
    What else is Demi going to talk about that will get her headlines? Her Disney show?

    Dear Ted:
    Has Drew Barrymore ever been a Blind Vice? And any clues which one?
    —Terry

    Dear Way Off:
    Heavens no! Drew did her drug days ages ago; now, she's all about girl power and being the cool chick she remains.

    Dear Ted:
    I love Kim Kardashian. I think she is a lovely girl, but something tells me she has some skeletons in the closet. Something is just so off with her and the rest of the Kardashian clan. Makes me wonder have any of the Kardashians been a Blind Vice? One more thing that bothers me, which is stupid for me to say, but for someone to have so much money you would think the girl could afford some shoes. I always see her in the beige Louis Vuitton pumps.
    —Jen

    Dear Keeping Up:
    Sure, the Kardashians are far from perfect—but you already knew that. They pretty much air it all to the public. And regardless of what's on her feet, Kim's never been exactly shy about owning up to what's said about her. No Vices for the K fam, as yet.

    Dear Ted:
    Sorry to read Margo threw up. I hope all is well now. So everyone at my office got a big kick of George Clooney's latest chick walking around the beach with her bikini bottom hiked up her butt, and we now have an office pool going. Are they going to make the one-year mark, or is he going to have another unhappy breakup?
    —June

    Dear Bets On:
    I may know a thing or two, but before I give up all my info, can I join the betting pool? And yes, Margo's all better, thanks for asking!

    Dear Ted:
    In the latest Me-Me Dallas B.V., in the first paragraph, are you saying that Me-Me and Tobey hooked up while Me-Me had a boyfriend?
    —Sabynne

    Dear Sharp:
    That would be the implication, yes.

    Dear Ted:
    Has Queen Latifah ever been a B.V.? If so, any hint?
    —Jas

    Dear 20 Vice Questions:
    No. She's not exactly subtle.

    Follow @theawfultruth on Twitter.

    ________

    Photos: Today's hot celeb pics!

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