Bitch-Back! Reese Is Selling, but Who's Buying?

Readers wonder why Witherspoon is trying to show up her exes

Dear Ted:
Why is it that every time Jake G. or Ryan P. have anything to promote or do an interview, the very private Reese Witherspoon goes shopping in the middle of the Hollywood paparazzi zone? Who does she think she is fooling?
—JSC

Dear Jokes on Reese:
Who does she think she's fooling? Everybody. Who is she fooling? Not a whole lot of people, but Reese knows how to work the tabloids and keep her name in the headlines (think Angelina Jolie of the America's Sweetheart club).

Dear Ted:
I just had to put my Boston terrier, Paco, to sleep after 13 wonderful years, so I'm counting on you to rescue me from my glumness. I have recently become a huge fan of Peter Facinelli because of Nurse Jackie. I saw some pics of him and his wife in the premiere of Letters to Juliet, and Jennie looked utterly miserable (and like a hot mess, might I add). Is there something going on there? Or was it just an off day? I really hope it's the latter.
—Kisses from Miami

Dear Trouble in Paradise:
First off, so sorry about Paco. Margo threw up this morning and I could barely handle that. I'll say a prayer for both you and poor Paco. But a question about a Twi couple that isn't Robsten? Blasphemy! Look, I wouldn't worry too much; P.F. and wifey are happy, but don't forget Jennie is also a full-time mommy to a pack of kiddos and she has a career also, thank you very much, which may explain her sometimes frazzled looks.

Dear Ted:
Is Chet Chick-Muncher Rob Lowe?
—Anne

Dear Lowe and Behold:
Nope, can't say the one-time bad boy is the bad boy currently blowing it—if you will—in his very own Blind Vice. Good guess, though, but think far less polished.

Dear Ted:
I'm very interested to know why Charlie Sheen would give up custody rights of his two girls to Denise. Any thoughts on this? Do you have any "inside" info as to why this happened?
—Lynne 

Dear Parental Control:
I'd like to say because he knew it was the right thing to do, but it also probably had to do with the fact that he couldn't do anything about it. Denise was the fit parent at the moment, it's what's best for the kids.

Dear Ted:
What's up with Gabourey Sidibe? I saw her on Ellen a while back and thought she seemed sweet and humble. What happened? Is the new 'tude just an act or is she showing her true colors?
—Twi-Crazy Canuck 

Dear Anti-Attitude:
While I don't think the babe is even close to the diva everyone is making her out to be, I wouldn't blame Gab for developing thicker skin and giving H'wood a bit of sass for all the crap she's had to go through from the paps, Internet, etc. Not to mention growing up looking not like America says you're supposed to. Give her a break.

Dear Ted:
Is Shafterella still into extracurricular activities which involve sweaty thighs and chicks? Just curious! P.S. Teehee! My all time favorite B.V.!
—Cats

Dear Girlie Minded:
Yeah, but not at the moment. She's more into the press-friendly footsie stuff right now.

Dear Ted:
I feel like every time I open a magazine, I see a picture of Justin Bieber, and I just don't get it. He's 16 but looks like he's 12 and I guess he's a pop singer. I have nothing against the kid, but I don't understand why he's so popular and why I see him everywhere. Can you explain? Also, on another note, what's your opinion on renaming a rescue?
—Lucy

Dear Popularity Contest:
Because tweens rule the world! Haven't you heard, Lucy? Not sure I get it about the renaming. What's the rescue and what's the reason?

Dear Ted:
I would love to rescue a couple of puppies, but my building does not allow pets. I hope that doesn't stop you from answering my question regarding Secretia Ohio and her man. What have they been up to? Have they become parents recently or are they still avoiding babies to go about their slutty ways? Thanks!
—A

Dear Baby Bump:
Heavens, no! Secretia and her dude are way careful about that—a kid would totally mess up their swinging lifestyle. I mean, who wants to go to a slutty shindig where you have to worry if you'll wake up the baby?

Dear Ted:
Was I the only one totally shocked by Sandy B.'s multiple magazine covers with her baby? I'm sorry, but I did not take her as the kind of person to exploit her baby in that way. I have great admiration for that women and I especially love how she didn't cut the adoption queue like some people (Madonna). I was just wondering what you think her reasons were? Money? Doubt it. Wants to get it over and done with? Probably. Your views?
—Ailish

Dear Intentions:
Definitely wasn't about the money for Sandy, but it sure got people off her back. She's a tough chick and wasn't going to let the press ruin her good name. Don't really consider it exploiting either, doll. Seen plenty worse, haven't you?

Dear Ted:
Isn't it hard for you to keep all the juicy Blind Vice info to yourself? Also, does knowing some of the "evils" of these stars make you like them less?
—Mis

Dear Lips Zipped:
Nope to the first Q. As for their "evils," sure sometimes it makes me like them less, but sometimes it makes me like them more.

Dear Ted:
We sadly lost one of our rescue dogs two weeks ago when he was hit by a car, but it gives us the opportunity to save another from death row. Can you advise if Nevis is getting very close to needing rehab? Is Barrington Bang-Me still hanging around? Thank you.
—Josie

Dear Bi-Curious:
Nev's definitely cleaned up his act (publicly) of late and eludes rehab once again. And of course, Barry is still around; the two are totally into each other—why would he skip town when he's got a stud on call? Would you?

Dear Ted:
I am the proud rescue mother of three homeless dogs, one of which is a neurotic pit-bull. You mentioned in a recent Bitch-Back that Cruella St. Shackles used to only hang with Fey Oiled Tush. However, in your initial Blind Vice about Cruella you said that she had never dealt with such scandal in her personal life, only in her professional life. It would seem that a woman involved with Fey would be used to scandals, no? Are we to believe that Cruella's relationship with Fey was only professional?
—Pit Bull Lover

Dear Looking Back:
Oh, it was definitely professional.

Dear Ted:
I love Rihanna. She just seems so cool, and her attitude is fierce! Has she ever been in the spotlight in a different way? As in, a Blind Vice? Thanks!
—Gil

Dear Merci Boo-Coo:
Judging by what that woman's already had to put up with in her young life, Rihanna gets a free pass from ever having to survive the slings 'n' arrows of Blind Vice infamy. It's the least I can do.