Up yours, Jesse James. That's not our personal opinion exactly, we're just paraphrasing the little bombshell Sandra Bullock was waiting to drop on America this week: she filed for divorce and adopted a little boy, and not necessarily in that order. She also taught us a very humbling lesson: When celebrities really want to keep something private, they will.
Anyway, while we knew that relationship was in the toilet, we were sorry to hear that another seemingly in-it-to-win-it twosome went their separate ways. Plus, all of this occurred just when we thought Bret Michaels and Jenna Jameson (not that strange, really, to mention them in the same sentence) would be making the big headlines all week?
THE REAL BLIND SIDE: So instead of easing into post-Oscar win domestic bliss with her hubby and three step-children in SoCal while she continues to fend off questions about wanting more kids, Sandra Bullock is gonna make it on her own in the Big Easy?with a new family! The hotter-than-ever star is resettling down in New Orleans with the 3 1/2-month-old boy she adopted (with James, but she's a single mom now) from there in January, probably not knowing she'd be filing for divorce a few months later, citing "discord or conflict of personalities" (there must be some prize for not listing "irreconcilable differences") as the reason. Let's ask Hollywood's Top Five Strong, Scorned Women...
EX-MAN: We really thought love?and daughter Nahla?were going to keep them together, but Halle Berry and pretty-boy baby daddy Gabriel Aubry have called it quits. Reports are sketchy as to how/why things ended, but apparently their first priority has been to hammer out an amicable joint custody arrangement, so we applaud them for that.
HEAD CASE: Right after a major plot thread on The Celebrity Apprentice was Bret Michaels'?and maybe his daughter's?struggle with diabetes, the rocker suffered a brain hemorrhage that put him in the ICU at a Phoenix hospital. The team of neurologists on his case are hoping for, but not entirely sure of, a full recovery. When it rains, it pours, right? He had just undergone an emergency appendectomy the week before and now he's in pain and has a sodium deficiency that could cause seizures... Enough thorns on the rose, already! Yet through it all, Michaels' "sheer will to live" has been apparent, and he wants to be back onstage by May 26.
NC-17: What do you get when you mix porn and ultimate fighting, aside from one pretty standard bachelor party? Well, if you take a star from one and put her with a champ from the other, you get 1-year-old twin sons. Then again, you also get finger-pointing in the first degree, with Tito Ortiz arrested for allegedly getting physical with longtime love Jenna Jameson, her telling reporters that things would be fine because Ortiz was in jail, his lawyer saying that she's battling an OxyContin addiction, her drug test coming out clean, and then her lawyer saying the whole thing was a "misunderstanding." Talk about going all 12 rounds!
IDOLATRY: After carving out a little quirky niche for herself because she blew glass, talked in a monotone, had a pierced nose and could do lots of things with her hair (oh yes, and hit a high note to shatter all those hand-blown figurines), Siobhan Magnus was unceremoniously booted from "American Idol." Simon Cowell's going to miss her, even though she feels sorry for him.
VIENN(A)ESE WALTZ: Jillian Harris sent Jake Pavelka packing and so did America after he failed to connect on Dancing With the Stars. So it's back to spending time with the other cute blond in his life, fiancée Vienna Girardi, who must be thrilled to have him all to herself home again. (In related-ish news, Charlie O'Connell and Bachelor love Sarah Brice broke up for the second time.)
REIN MAN: Dreamgirls and Gods and Monsters director Bill Condon will take the reins of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, the final installment of the rabidly popular vampire-'n'-wolf franchise which may or may not be split into two films, like the last Harry Potter book.
BORDERLINE: Celebs of all ethnicities have plenty to say about Arizona's new "drop and give me papers" immigration law. From Eva Longoria Parker and John Cusack to Shakira and Ricky Martin, let's just say, no one's for it.
BABY BUGGY BUMPERS: Matt Damon's expecting his third child with wife Isabella (it will be her fourth)...Jodie Sweetin's expecting her second (and first with the new b.f)....Lance Armstrong's waiting for his fifth (and second with partner Anna Hansen).
HOLLYWOODLAND: Katie Holmes is going to play Jackie Kennedy to Greg Kinnear's JFK...Ricky Gervais will host the Golden Globes again next year...Kate Plus 8 is a go...Iron Man 2 opened big in Europe...Avatar on DVD and Blu-ray did pretty amazingly...Christopher Nolan's third Batman film is out July 20, 2012...Anchorman 2 isn't happening anytime soon.
BUST A MOVE: The D.A. will figure out the Heather Locklear hit-and-run thing...Big Brother 9 roomie Matt McDonald pleads not guilty to being in a drug ring with season winner Adam Jasinski...Chyna's being investigated for battery...Survivor: Fiji dude Kenward "Boo" Bernis arrested for alleged assault.
COLD CASES: Jason Alexander was not cited for knocking a 14-year-old boy off his bike with his car...Drugs charges against Mackenzie Phillips dropped...Lindsay Lohan's lawyer says she's on track with her alcohol education...Coroner found drugs in Alexander McQueen's system when he died, indicating he took cocaine and other things before committing suicide.
LEGALESE: The "not bankable" Lindsay is also locked in a hypothetical legal battle with her father...Randy and Evi Quaid went to jail then cut a deal...The Heal the World Foundation can't trade on Michael Jackson's good works...Real Housewive Gretchen Rossi cut a hefty check to pay attorney fees for the guy who's suing her.
SERIOUS MEN: David Letterman spoke candidly of his sex scandal on Live! With Regis and Kelly...Conan O'Brien soberly discussed NBC and the Tonight Show mess with Steve Kroft for 60 Minutes.
FEUDAL TIMES: Really, Eminem? You want to mess with Ben Roethlisberger, who's not only huge and rugged, but just might be a little mean from all that head trauma's he's sustained over the years?...Courtney Love told Howard Stern that Gavin Rossdale cheated on Gwen Stefani with her. We doubt Gwen meant such a thing when she chanted "take a chance, you stupid ho"...Kelly Clarkson might reluctantly tolerate cigarette ads, but she doesn't entertain leaked tunes...M.I.A. doesn't have a soft spot for YouTube censorship...John Mayer's starting to turn on Twitter...Lindsay directing more bad behavior Samantha Ronson's way.
REAL ESTATE: Joe Jonas dropped $2.5 million on a Hollywood Hills bachelor pad (that his plenty of room for his parents and brothers to stay at)...Small potatoes to Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen, who are shelling out $20 million clams to build a monster mansion in Brentwood...Hugh Hefner pitched in for the land surrounding the Hollywood sign.
FAREWELLS: Attorney Peter Lopez, wife of Dukes of Hazzard star Catherine Bach, died of an apparently self-inflicted gunshot wound.
BIG SHOTS: Taylor Swift, Robert Pattinson, Sandra Bullock, Lady Gaga, Lea Michele, Kathryn Bigelow and Oprah Winfrey made Time's Most Influential people list, along with relatively important tastemakers such as Barack Obama and Steve Jobs...A bunch of the same folks made People's 50 Most Beautiful list, too.
SEEN: Justin Bieber bungee-jumping with his mom...The Italian navy looking for unexploded ordnance outside George Clooney's Lake Como villa...Amy Winehouse recovering in a London clinic after a fall...Kate Hudson sans support...Adrian Grenier shorn but not shaven...Christina Applegate's engagement ring...Jennifer Hudson and son David in Beverly Hills...Kendra Wilkinson-Baskett and baby Hank on Chelsea Lately...Chris Hemsworth as Thor...Hugh Hefner's 19-year-old son at the Iron Man 2 premiere...Mickey Rourke at dinner with girlfriend Anastasia Makarenko...Christina Aguilera's "Not Myself Tonight" video...Jason Derulo's "Ridin' Solo" video...Pics from Lindsay Lohan's heinous gun-accessorized photo shoot...Olive Munn's hot naked PETA ad...An old Chelsea Handler audition tape...Paris Hilton partying...Jessica Simpson talking oral hygiene on Ellen.
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From Halle Berry on the streets of New York to Kate Gosselin sweeping the garage?don't ask how we're everywhere at once. Just take the Big Picture gallery's word for it.