Ding-dong, the witch is dead...
OK, maybe that's being a bit dramatic, but we're sure that little ditty ran through plenty of people's heads when Kate Gosselin was eliminated from Dancing With the Stars this week.
Meanwhile, we were also saying "she lives!" when we saw the first postscandal photo of Sandra Bullock pop up, the Oscar winner looking unamused by the paparazzo who tracked her down, but, all things considered...not bad at all.
But obviously these two women on opposite sides of the Hollywood spectrum made up only a fraction of the news we covered this week. So click your heels three times (but only click your mouse once) and find yourself transported to a few paragraphs saturated with seven days' worth of celebrity news.
GONE BABY GONE: Alright, the world isn't too out of whack. Voters finally decided that Kate Gosselin's unlikely—based on talent, not trainwreck appeal—run on Dancing With the Stars had lasted long enough and kicked her two left feet outta there. After a quick "You're grounded!" look at America, the tears started falling and, for the first time in DWTS history, Tom Bergeron devoted several minutes to an exit interview. Kate talked about just wanting to be with her kids, then promptly flew home, packed more stuff, and left again. I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. Sure, now we don't have to suffer through another Kate rehearsal, routine or costume (really, were they trying to make her look like a fairy godmother?), but...Who else feels there's going to be something missing from the show come Monday? Besides Lane Bryant, that is.
RAZZMATAZZ: Sandra Bullock's still got it. "It" meaning her poise, grace and unassuming beauty, and not her wedding ring, which she noticeably left behind while hiking in Northern California last weekend. She didn't go deep enough into the woods, though, because the paparazzi still found her. Who can blame her for seeking out a little fresh air somewhere quiet, away from the flashing cameras, impertinent questions and Golden Raspberry Award founders who bite the A-list hands that feed the Razzies a semblance of importance.
SPILTSVILLE: Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller are officially dunzo, E! News confirmed exclusively this week. According to a source close to the long-embattled couple, "Charlie has returned to old habits" and "Brooke has moved out of their family home." Surprising, things aren't as bad as they look from the outside looking in. "Brooke and Charlie still talk," says the source, "but they don't see each other." So far divorce has not been discussed by either party involved, so maybe there's hope of reconciliation between the two (which is a good thing?).
MEDICAL WOES: Poison frontman Bret Michaels suffered a brain hemorrhage late Thursday and is still in critical condition at a Los Angeles-area hospital. The VH1 reality regular, and current contestant on Celebrity Apprentice was taken in for a check up complaining of excruciating head pain when doctors found that the brain stem was bleeding. His rep has yet to divulge any further details on his status, but we're just hoping for a quick recovery by the rockstar.
SEACREST, OUT (OF HIS MIND?): Barring a collective brainfart from the voters, Crystal Bowersox isn't going anywhere, and she doesn't know what Ryan Seacrest was talking about when he recounts how he talked her out of leaving American Idol. The competition is taking its toll on her, obviously, but she's in the top six now and has her eye on the prize. Tim Urban, meanwhile, has his eye on investing in whatever makes his teeth look so good, just in case this whole music thing doesn't work out.
REAL ASH HOLES: The centuries-dormant volcano that spewed ash into the European sky kept plenty of people on their respective shores when they needed to be elsewhere. Famous types from Barack Obama to Miley Cyrus couldn't get to either England or the Continent. Annie Lennox couldn't get out of London to appear on Idol Gives Back, and the entire Iron Man 2 premiere was relocated to Los Angeles. Metallica, however, took a 28-hour boat and train trip from Oslo, Norway, to Riga, Latvia. Enter Sandman.
ORANGE ALERT: South Park needs to get Team America: World Police on the case. After receiving what amounted to a death threat from Muslim extremists based in Brooklyn, Comedy Central bleeped out some of the dialogue on Wednesday's episode, which featured a depiction of the prophet Muhammad that had Trey Parker and Matt Stone written all over it.
CELEBS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS: Scott Baio and his wife nastily blasted Jezebel.com, via Twitter of course, for singling out some of his less inspired posts for their daily roundup of amusing ('cause they're dumb) celebrity tweets. Then, and here's where it gets good, he singled out E! Online for reporting "1/8" of the truth. Well, at least what we reported was true then, right?
TV LAND: Seth Aaron Henderson wins the seventh season of Project Runway...Octomom sits down with Oprah...Glee season finale scoop!...Leonard Nimoy finishes Fringe, wants out of showbiz...The American Idol judges 'n' Ryan will lend voices to The Simpsons' season finale...Jin and Sun reunited on Lost, plus exclusive scoop!...Curb Your Enthusiasm coming back for an eighth season...The Daily Show and The Colbert Report renewed through next presidential election and beyond...Upcoming Celebrity Cheaters in talks with Michelle "Bombshell" McGee and Jamie Jungers to host.
MOVIE LAND: Perfectly healthy Kristen Stewart more Wanted than Angelina Jolie?...Iron Man 2 is sticking with its DJ AM cameo...Clint Eastwood to direct Leonardo DiCaprio in a J. Edgar Hoover biopic...Robert Downey Jr. off to play the Wizard?...James Cameron revving up for Avatar sequel...Development on 23rd James Bond film suspended indefinitely.
MUSIC LAND: Lady Antebellum was the big winner at the Academy of Country Music Awards, while Carrie Underwood remained Entertainer of the Year...Michael Jackson's catalog gets the Cirque du Soleil treatment...Sex and the City 2 soundtrack scoop...Jonas Brothers heading back on tour—all together!—this summer...Ke$ha gets grief for her apparently very terrible, mortifyingly bad SNL performance...Chris Brown headlining a benefit concert in Virginia.
HOUSE CALL: Michael Lohan showed up at Lindsay's apartment with the cops in tow, saying he was just checking on younger daughter Ali because he heard that the sisters had driven really fast to Coachella, and he doesn't want Ali hanging out in Lindsay's "element." It's not that we condone speeding or 23-year-olds giving their 16-year-old sisters bad life lessons, but we really object to estranged dads who don't know the meaning of the words tact, privacy, decency or unselfish concern for their children.
BUTTING OUT: After American antismoking groups got fired up because Kelly Clarkson concert promos in Jakarta prominently included sponsorship by an Indonesian cigarette brand, which Clarkson wasn't going to do anything about it, the tobacco company agreed to pull its logo and slogans from all concert materials.
ABOUT FACE: Christina Applegate engaged...Shayne Lamas ties the knot in Vegas...No wedding bells for Tara Reid...Former Bachelor Bob Guiney getting divorced.
BABY BOOM: Amanda Peet and hubby David Benioff welcome their second daughter...Tiffani Amber Thiessen ready to pop, not pleased with Pregnancy magazine.
LAW & ORDER: Cameron Douglas sentenced to five years in prison on drug charges, five years less than mandated by federal guidelines...Heather Locklear cited for hit-and-run for allegedly plowing into a no-parking sign. To her credit, she did not leave her car there...Gretchen Rossi wanted for skipping court...As is Deadliest Catch deckhand Jake Harris...Kal Penn mugged in a Washington, D.C., neighborhood...Another charge for alleged John Stamos extortionists...Danny Glover busted for rabblerousing. Survivor baddie Russell Hantz nabbed for battery. Big Brother bad boy Matt McDonald collared for allegedly roughing up his baby mama.
PAPERWORK: Jon Gosselin fires his divorce attorney so that he can work things out with Kate cheaply "privately and amicably"...Roman Polanski's sex case is still alive as another round of appeals from him and his victim are shot down...Hulk Hogan sues his insurance company for only paying $250,000 to the family of the man left severely brain damaged by Nick Hogan's DUI crash...Larry King's divorce is on hold as he and the wife deal with stories like these...Jodie Sweetin's officially divorced...Notorious B.I.G.'s family's lawsuit against city of Los Angeles thrown out...Accuser drops sexual-assault suit against David Copperfield.
FAREWELL: Gang Starr founder Guru, aka Keith Elam, had battled cancer and died a month after falling into a coma; he was 43.
POSTMORTEM: Marie Osmond's son Michael had no drugs at all in his system when he committed suicide in February.
A-OK: Dexter star Michael C. Hall is "fully recovered" from his battle with Hodgkin's lymphoma, his wife and onscreen sis Jennifer Carpenter announced Friday.
TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE: Mo'Nique's brother admits on The Oprah Winfrey Show that he molested his sister for four years, starting when she was 7. He apologized, but we doubt their mutual estrangement is going to end anytime soon.
SEEN: Kristen Stewart, Kate Hudson, Anne Hathaway and more hanging out at Coachella...Kevin Jonas shopping with his wife, Danielle...Naomi Campbell blowing up on TV...Paris and Nicky Hilton bowling for a good cause...Nicole Richie on the green carpet...William Shatner speaking/singing with Taiwanese viral video star Lin Yu Chun...Josh Duhamel on a bike ride...Channing Tatum's webbed feet...Rihanna at a Swiss hospital...David Beckham and Charliez Theron separately watching the Lakers...Brooke Burke and David Charvet having a date night...Nick Jonas greeting a fan...Brad Pitt's brother!
________
Watch your favorite celebrities' children grow up right before your very eyes in our Big Picture gallery.