In some sort of fantasy land, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake would reunite, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey would be celebrating their eighth year of marriage right now and Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe would be living happily ever after.
Alas, that's not reality.
"I've been dumped on in the press for relationship stuff since Reese and I divorced," he complained. "I'm tired of getting s--t on. I don't feel like I deserve it. Things happen!"
He finds it especially annoying given the current state of their relationship…
"It's gotten to a place where we're great friends and great coparents," he said. The former couple have two kids, Ava, 10, and Deacon, 6.
They even cry on each other's shoulders now.
"After I had my breakup, she called, and after she did, I called," he admitted.
But this was Howard Stern's show, so, needless to say, the question of consoling each other in manners not including the telephone was asked. You dreamers should know "that hasn't happened."
"I have a new rule not to date anyone who has a publicist," he declared bitterly, explaining that he didn't expect a public statement to be released following their private decision to part ways. "Who announces a breakup? I don't understand that! There's no need for that."
Ryan also swore he isn't hooking up with Lindsay Lohan, Selita Ebanks or Simpson and called himself a "serial monogamist."
Hmmm...maybe there's hope yet.
What other Big Celebrity Splits do you hope never happened in an alternative universe?