Jessica Simpson, Jennifer Aniston

Denise Truscello/Getty Images; George Pimentel/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
So Jess Simpson is "sexual napalm" and Jen Aniston's not. Is that why Jen is trying to look so sexy now? I like Jen, especially in Along Came Polly (or is it that the real reason why I thought the movie was great is Phillip Seymour Hoffman?). Anyway, her W magazine cover reminded me of that other infamous cover where she was only wearing a tie. Both seem desperate and totally unnecessary!
—Ellie

Dear Bomb Squad:
While I'm sure her lack of libido compliments didn't help matters, Jen was trying to kick her girl-next-door image before John Mayer started blabbing. 'Tho, now that everyone is comparing the two blonde's sex drives, J.A. has finally got some of that sexy attention—just not exactly in the way she had hoped for.

Dear Ted:
I've been reading reports about Summit wanting Breaking Dawn to win movie awards such as the Oscars. But I think someone should tell them that while, yes, a great director can help them achieve their dream the script needs to be have some substance to it as well. Can someone just tell Melissa Rosenberg to unleash her inner Chuck?
—Faye

Dear And The Oscar Goes To:
Don't make me laugh—Summit knows they're better suited for the MTV Movie Awards than Best Picture at the Academy—even if frickin' Steven Spielberg was directing. But I'm totally with you that the Twi crew needs to focus on better scripts before they pull in the big names to direct.

Dear Ted:
While reading Buck Me-Good, I couldn't help but think of Jake Gyllenhaal...although I can't picture him getting that drunk. I think he's too square. Am I right?
—L

Dear Jakepoo Gone Bad:
You're right in that J.G. is not our mile-high bad boy. Think less established, but the two do have some similarities, sure.

Dear Ted:
I'm piggybacking off a question asked on Friday's BB and have had a rescued pooch for 12 years now. Disregard the "outing" of someone and take it strictly as cheating: What you and the media is saying, is that if a married man cheats on his beard with a man, that for the most part is taboo for the media to reveal? Toothy wasn't married, so he I understand, but I can think of a lot of your blind vices who are married. Cheating is cheating, so it's a disservice as journalists not to report all the news. No?
—Riley

Dear It's Complicated:
With bearded marriages, things become much more complicated in terms of cheating. Most marriages in H'wood between a DL dude and his beard are pre-arranged with both parties knowing exactly what will—and more importantly will not—be going down romance wise. That way, when the horny hubby gets some boy-on-boy action the wife fully consents.

Dear Ted:
Somebody with Industry connections told me that Fey-Oiled Tush's wife is gonna finally hand him the divorce papers this year. Any word on this is true or not?
—M

Dear Assumes:
Really that sure who Fey is, huh? Doubt highly gonna happen—though a lotta of us would love to see this go down.

Dear Ted:
I think I've figured out who Nevis Divine is! Is it the yummy Wentworth Miller? He is not an obvious choice because he was born across the pond but grew up in the United States.
—Karen

Dear Brit Born:
Nope—but nice try. Nevis has far more name recognition that the Prison Break star—more hair, too.

Dear Ted:
You said in a previous Bitch-Back that the Lost cast is "peachy keen" compared to Grey's Anatomy? Any more deets you can spill other than the stuff that's come out in the public? (i.e. the Isaiah Washington vs. T.R. Knight scandal and the Katherine Heigl's overall bitchiness).
—J

Dear Chaste Cast:
I'll just say this—for the most part, the Grey's crew is very good at keeping their drama out of the press. There are some folks on the show who have images to maintain, after all.

Dear Ted:
I don't really get it when people say celebrities are using their relationship as a publicity stunt. How does Selena and Nick's relationship make me want to buy his CD (even though it flopped and is boring as hell!) Please explain!
—R

Dear Product Placement:
Nick and Selena canoodling gets their names in the press and when people start to buzz about the Disney duo, N.J. can plug his new CD. That way it gets marketed towards the tween scene and the tab readers. Got it?

Dear Ted:
My boyfriend is a veterinarian and recently adopted two beagle mix puppies that some heartless jerk left in a cardboard box (in the freezing rain, no less). He's a great guy and the puppies are now thriving, happy balls of energy—I'm all Team K.Stew while he just can't resist Nikki Reed, but since he was the rescuer, we've gotta ask: Any hints as to what Nikki's BV is? Love your column and the Twi-goss!
—Jason

Dear Naughty Nikki:
Super big kiss to the fab bf! And let's just say Nikki's BV wasn't totally her fault.

Dear Ted:
My sweet, rescued Dalmatian was incredibly distraught to read a post in the comment section that said you were no longer going to report on Toothy. She's really, really upset by this news, Ted! Throw her a bone. ('Groan' at the pun. I couldn't help myself.) You aren't leaving Toothy behind, are you?
—Robin

Dear So Long, Old Friend:
Please
, I'll stick with T2 until the day he breaks free from that oh-so-deep closet of his. Count on it.

Dear Ted:
OK, for several emails of mine I have seen or heard of my questions answered, so here's another in hopes just you might answer at least one of them. So why did two of Kristen Stewart's movies—Welcome to The Rileys and The Runaways—only come out in a selected few hits certain towns? Especially with all the promos and commercials on TV. Cause I was so looking forward to seeing them.
—Fancy

Dear Miss Piggy:
The burden of being an indie film—and the fan's burden of loving an indie film actress.

Dear Ted:
I have been reading your column for eight or nine years and always trust your voice and opinions. But I am just so sad to see how your site now caters to teens and, dare I say, tweens. You used to be the voice of all gossip, regardless of the age, and now it is quite clear that you are catering to a new generation of gossip-hounds. As a result, I don't check in as often as I once did. But I refuse to believe you have sold out. Prove me right and toss us oldies more than the occasional bone and start to write more columns for us. We have been with you since the beginning and will likely still be around once the Twilight series becomes old news.
—Sarah

Dear Old School:
For as much as I dish about the younger gen like Miley and the Twilight kids, I give plenty of dirt on Jen and Brad and that old-fart crew, please. I'd say I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to ageism.

Dear Ted:
I just watched a video of Kate Bosworth and Alex Skarsgård, and they really looked like a couple. They seemed very affectionate, more than just friends with benefits. So, what's the deal? Are they in love or not?
—B

Dear Dating Dummy:
They are actors, after all.

Dear Ted:
I don't know why people just complain about Taylor Lautner scenes in the Twilight movies. I have read the books and Jacob is a super important character. The "love triangle," for me, makes the movies so much fun. I love R.Pattz too!
—Adri

Dear Three's A Crowd:
Sure, the love triangle could be a fun and exciting part of the flicks...you know, if TL had any chemistry with Kristen on screen. Otherwise it just falls flat.

Dear Ted:
Chace Crawford
, Matt Bomer, Jensen Ackles, Jared Padalecki...I just realized that all those hotties are Texans! Do all these studs have anything else in common?
—Strike

Dear Lone Star Studs:
Besides the fact that they're all sexy? I can think of a thing or two.

Dear Ted:
I'm confused as to why people keep saying that Robsten won't last because of their ages, so can you clear it up for me? Age is just a number when you're in love, my sister got married to her high school sweetheart at the age of 20 and they've been together 6 years. I'm not saying Rob and Kristen are going to get married, but people should really stop saying they're young and just having fun. Am I wrong here?
—Maria

Dear Magic Number:
They are young and having fun, but that definitely doesn't mean they're not serious. Don't count the couple out yet—but don't start planning wedding gifts either.

________

For plenty more fab questions check out the Bitch-Back! section.

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