The action! The pressure! The cocktail waitresses!
Boy, do we love golf Tiger Woods.
Assuming you're as into the game as we are, which means not at all, unless our favorite sexter is involved and making his postscandal return, you'll want to know all the important stuff to look out for this TV weekend at the Tiger Woods Show Masters. Here's our shot list:
Tee Time! Don't worry, this is as golfy as we're going to get. But trust us, the swingin' Woods' first competition swing since, well, you know, is going to be a rubbernecker's delight. Will the man be back to his old, efficient, boring self? Will his new goatee intimidate the fellows—or will it just make 'em laugh? ESPN's supposed to have the must-see swing live at 1:42 p.m. ET today.
So Goes Today and Friday, So Goes Your Weekend: If the all-new spiritually improved Woods ends up putting more like Gandhi and less like the old horndog Woods, then your Saturday and Sunday are gonna clear up, 'cause Woods won't be around when the Masters moves into its final two rounds—and you won't have any reason to watch. (Unless, that is—gasp!—you actually like golf.)
One note on TV coverage: ESPN's got today's and Friday's qualifying rounds; CBS has the weekend action.
The Denial! If Woods does make the cut, and plays on to through the weekend, expect the Masters broadcasters to try very, very hard to make believe Woods is not the only story. "It will just be normal on Saturday and Sunday," CBS Golf exec Lance Barrow told reporters this week. "It will be a golf tournament."
Sure it will. Golf tournaments, after all, are always expected to draw "astronomically high" ratings, aren't they?
The New Commercial! The spot—for Nike, the biggest Woods sponsor to stick by the tabloid star—debuted yesterday. Look for it to run during ESPN's Masters coverage today, or, oh, yeah, for all eternity on the Internet.
Like everything else this weekend, the commercial, featuring a voice-over life lesson from Woods' late father, Earl, is the first new Woods commercial since, well, you know.
The Women! Woods already told us the good wife won't be around the Masters to help him don his hairshirt, so Elin's out. And unfortunately it looks like Woods' cocktail waitresses will be, too.
CBSSports.com has delicious detail on tournament security's efforts to shun undesirables who might previously have been desired by Woods. The website's Steve Elling reported of a sort of "wanted" list, with "color mug shots of Woods' alleged mistresses," and a security guard approaching a woman watching Woods' Monday practice, and asking, "Ma'am, are you the stripper?"
No, she wasn't. Joslyn James has work to do this weekend, too.
Relive Tiger Woods' greatest hits, er, misses, er, mistresses in our gallery, Tiger's Alleged Other Women.