We've got to hand it to Gloria Allred.
After turning the promotion of alleged mistresses into an art form, the camera-hungry lawyer has found a way to expand her clientele, representing women who crave the attention of a Tiger or Jesse gal without the hassle of being a homewrecker. Win-win!
So today, Allred started the 15-minute clock on January Gessert, the woman who, per unconfirmed rumors, came between Reggie Bush and our own Kim Kardashian.
Except, she didn't. And never mind that Reggie himself made crystal clear his purely platonic relationship to the wannabe singer (surprise) last week. Gessert's milking this nonscandal for all it's worth:
"I am shocked, frightened and crushed that leaving a friend's house can be so misconstrued to turn my whole life upside down," she said in a statement. "I can't believe that people and the media will go to such great lengths."
Allred described the situation as a "media tsunami"—miraculously, while managing to keep a straight face—and Gessert called herself a "victim" who was rendered practically housebound as a result of the one paparazzi photo huge tabloid interest in her story.
And in case you, like us, were wondering which tabloid exactly had such an interest in her tale of woe, we'll let Gessert explain: "Honolulu magazines...The San Diego Times."
Not to mention some newspapers that actually exist!
But god bless the journalist who asked Gessert—who, did we mention? Is an aspiring singer with the stage name January Ryan—the money question: What, exactly, is the point of hiring Gloria Allred to deny what Reggie already denied last week?
"I feel like people will take me seriously now and listen to the fact that it's not true and not twist my words around," she said.
The not twisting her words around part we'll give her. But best of luck on the other.
So, how does Kim Kardashian deal with her breakup? Like this. Now try not to get drool all over your keyboard.