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    Bitch-Back! Megan Fox Is Better Than You

    Megan Fox James Devaney/Getty Images

    Dear Ted:
    I think Megan Fox is a gorgeous, funny and genuine girl. I think she's trying to redeem herself and people should just give her a break. I don't understand why women hate on other gorgeous ladies who are more successful, good looking and wanted than they'll ever be. Stop pairing her up with Robert Pattinson, because the Robsten fans are just plain crazy and they will hate anyone connected to him who is not Kristen. Deal?
    —Cal

    Dear Foxy Friend:
    Hey, don't shoot the messenger. I'm just letting you know what's going on in H'wood. If R.Pattz chose to hook up with M.F., pre-K.Stew, can you blame him—I mean, you just said she was successful, good looking and wanted, right? Tho jealousy can be a real nasty look, remember that.

    Dear Ted:
    The date of Jared Padalecki and Genevieve Cortese's wedding almost clashed with the shooting of the new Conan movie. If Jared had gotten the lead and had been forced to pick between wearing a tuxedo or loincloth, which do you think he would have chosen?
    —Leo

    Dear Balancing Act:
    If J.P. had landed Conan's legendary muscles, dates could have been readjusted so that he didn't have to make that choice. A wedding's only one day—not too demanding for a production schedule.

    Dear Ted:
    Charlie Sheen
    and his wife seem to have time to engage in all kinds of freaky stuff. Who was taking care of the kids? I wondered why Denise Richards looked so nervous on Oprah. He sounds like he is absolutely nuts! I would love to know where he really met the little charmer he calls wife...
    —Boston

    Dear Child Watch:
    Maybe at an orgy? Remember, Charlie and Brooke Mueller were introduced to each other by Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart, you know, of semi-sex-tape fame. Seems appropriate, doesn't it? Love Charlie, always will, but boy's got some stuff to take care of, big-time.

    Dear Ted:
    Can you give me a hint on my fave Vicer Topher-Hairy Tuchus and if he is still up to his dirty ole tricks? What age group is he in—20s, 30s, 40s?
    —V

    Dear Hair Removal:
    Topher is def still getting down and dirty, but he—like all his best BV buds—is playing the beard game. Do you buy his pathetic fauxmance? Because I totally don't. 30s.

    Dear Ted:
    Love your column! Jared Padalecki recently got married. What do you think the odds he'll get divorced? I want him for myself!
    —Jared's (Hopefully) Future Girl

    Dear Future Fiancée:
    Good luck, babe. Better get your Supernatural audition material ready—that is how he met his current wifey, after all.

    Dear Ted:
    Over the past few days, several Bitch-Backs you've printed refer to your "thoughts." Does this have a double meaning? Or are you merely in danger of thinking too much?
    —Margery

    Dear Mind Control:
    Maybe you're not thinking enough?

    Dear Ted:
    What's the deal with Julia Roberts' over-the-top gushiness towards all of her male costars? I get the feeling she does it mostly for attention. If I had to guess, I would say her female counterparts don't love her as much as she seems to love herself. Thoughts?
    —H

    Dear America's SweeTart:
    When has J.R. ever really been subtle? She's America's Freaking Sweetheart—she plays the game really well, and her gushiness is working for her. So if her lady costars hate her, it's because she can steal their spotlight anytime she wants.

    Dear Ted:
    I am pretty new to your column. I have only been lurking around since October, but I have noticed something about you—you seem to believe that many of the stars in Hollywood are in the closet. So, I ask this question of you: What is the proportion? What percent are older established married people compared to those that are just breaking through?
    —Regina

    Dear Mathematician:
    Slightly lower, but not by a lot.

    Dear Ted:
    Have you seen pics of Ben Stiller lately? He suddenly looks like a very thin old man. What happened to him—anything B.V. going on? Also, kinda fascinated with Sarah Michelle Gellar being a B.V.—any more hints on her behavior? Drugs, sluttin', what?
    —Anna

    Dear Sickly Stiller:
    Ben definitely wasn't looking his best at the Vanity Fair Artists for Peace and Justice event...but standing next to too-gorgeous Olivia Wilde, I'm not surprised. Tho, he better start working on his beauty regiment so he'll be in model form for Zoolander 2. As for Sarah, well, sweetheart, let's say it's not the two qualifications you mentioned. SMG's way too clever for that stuff.

    Dear Ted:
    I'm beginning to hate this whole culture of being famous "just because." How low does one need to go in order to get famous? One more thing, I also hate that after a long absence, a celeb needs to reveal something salacious just to sell a movie or an album. I simply cannot take one more celebrity who needs to "open up" just to sell a product.
    —Casey

    Dear 15 Minutes:
    You'd be shocked at what people will do to become famous. Which is part of the reason stars need to shock and awe to get in the press, there's too many semicelebs that will do anything—and we mean anything—necessary to get their name in the headlines.

    Dear Ted:
    Give us some dirt on those Glee boys. In interviews, they come across as sickly sweet and naive. They haven't been in the spotlight long, so they must have things in their pasts that are less then stellar.
    —Ashley

    Dear Gleeful:
    Oh, those dimpled dudes (and their Glee female counterparts, too) are not as dirt-free as they'd like you to believe. Don't expect them to start singin' their secrets, though, Fox wants them to have Disney-kid reps—you know, except with less controversy.

    Dear Ted:
    If Robsten is one of the most "handled" couples in Hollywood—being told how public or not public they can be and being told to focus on careers and not each other—would you not say that the last two weeks have been an "ef you" to everyone trying to control them? The "middle finger" being her coming down the red carpet at the Remember Me premiere without anyone knowing—not PR or they would have gone down the carpet together or she would have spoken with press. In other words, Rob and Kristen are going to do it their way?
    —Spencer

    Dear Rebellion:
    R.Pattz and K.Stew have always had a say in the matter—they're not puppets, after all—but they are definitely becoming more daring of late. Can't lie, we were shocked she ended up walking the red carpet and she definitely didn't need to talk to the press, she made her point just by being there.

    Dear Ted:
    You've said before that Robert Pattinson and Megan Fox hooked up, but now Megan Fox is saying she's only been with two people, a high school sweetheart and Brian Austin Green. What do you make of this? Is she purposely leaving R.Pattz out of her count, or did they not hookup?
    —Vanessa

    Dear PDA Police:
    Meg said she's had sex with two guys—there are plenty of naughty things to do without going all the way. At least in my book and, I assume, hers, too.

    Dear Ted:
    How about a little love for Washington, D.C., where it's the first day gay and lesbian couples can apply for marriage licenses!
    —KJ

    Dear Wedding Bells:
    Five states (and one national capital) down, 45 to go!

    Dear Ted:
    I'm thinking Henrietta Hard-Ball is either Nancy Grace or Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Or Mary Matalin? Please tell me if I'm close.
    —C

    Dear Playing Political:
    Boy, would I love to see any of these straightlaced nuts involved in a sex scandal. Just as much as I loved hearing Henrietta's nasty little secret! But ain't any of these gals. Close, though, darling. Very.

    Dear Ted:
    Aside from sharing the same agent, do Bradley Cooper and Jared Padalecki have anything else in common?
    —Enid

    Dear Similarities:
    Yes. Oh, I'm sorry, did you want to know what?

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