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    Bitch-Back! Admit It Already, Robsten!

    Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart Jeff Kravitz/Getty Images

    Dear Ted:
    I read your post "Is Robsten Too Distracting?" and you said something that I always wondered about as well: Don't you think if Rob and Kristen admit they're a couple that things could actually cool down a lot with all the media speculation gone? I think they might actually have a lot more peace and privacy after admitting to this, which makes me think that maybe Summit really is making them play this are-they, aren't-they game. What are your thoughts?
    —Rafael

    Dear Coming Clean:
    Clearly you don't read the tabloids—or us. Even if Robsten come out as a couple, they won't get the privacy they want—then the goss folks will just start speculating on where the duo's relationship is heading (baby bumps and wedding bells, I'm sure they'll guess), all accompanied with photos of their every move.

    Dear Ted:
    What the heck is up with Teri Hatcher's face? In the last few Desperate Housewives episodes, she's looked as if she's recovering from wisdom tooth surgery! There's roundness to her cheeks that wasn't there before. And it looks like an effort for her to move her mouth. It's awful!
    —T

    Dear Face-Off:
    All I have to say is spotting suspected plastic surgery on the Desperate Housewives set is akin looking for fishy water in the Pacific.

    Dear Ted:
    From one animal rescuer (three cats and three dogs) to another, give me your ear. For some reason, peeps are really getting their jollies that Ryan Phillippe is once again unattached. He got slammed when he started dating Abbie, but it was dying down. Now it seems to have built up steam again following the breakup. But reporting that he was seen buying condoms? Pretty low. What's the guy done to deserve all the vitriol?
    —Patricia

    Dear Leave Ryan Alone!
    Celebs have all sorts of people working for them—if the stud was so uncomfortable buying his plastics so soon after his much-talked-about breakup, then he could have sent his assistant to do the deed for him. Hey, at least he's being safe, right?

    Dear Ted:
    I am not sure if you are a fan of The Bachelor, but I watched a few episodes this season for the first time. It all seems to be very staged. On the season finale, Jake asked one of the girls to marry him. He didn't seem to have any connection with any of the girls on the show. Is the show just a big setup? Are the guys required to choose someone and propose? Are they all just wannabe celebrities?
    —C 

    Dear Reality Check:
    The Bachelor
    is about as real as The Hills and most of the other reality shows out there—that is, not at all. Of course, it's all set up to get the viewers all riled up about who he picks. How many of those relationships have lasted past the final rose ceremony? Like zero by my count.

    Dear Ted:
    A week or two ago you mentioned you would do your best to answer B.V. questions made by those who have rescued pets. One of my rescues passed away last year and my new doggie is a rescue as well. Would you please give me a hint as to which B.V. is Bradley Cooper's? Also, I think you said you might reveal which B.V. was Brittany Murphy's. Are you any closer to making a decision on that front?
    —Lee

    Dear Yes and No:
    Congrats on your rescue! Where's the pic and what's the name? For your prize you get the seemingly innocuous, but actually quite delicious clue that Mr. Cooper's Vice requires the use of the Internet.

    Dear Ted:
    One of the most popular guesses for last Friday's Blind Vice has been Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr. You have said SMG has been a Blind in the past, and to my knowledge, you have not revealed which one, making her ineligible for Cruella St. Shackles. I believe SMG was Botox-Bang Slasher. Am I at least in the right genre?
    —D

    Dear Gellar Guessing:
    Already nixed F.P. Jr. as Cruella's sneaky spouse, so SMG is out of the game for this B.V. Here's a Vice I'm sure SMG would be interested in: Buffying up and slaying vamp hottie Nelly Fang to jump starting her once-relevant career.

    Dear Ted:
    Robsten were close to calling it quits? You never said that! We look to you for all our Robsten scoop. Have you led us astray? Do you have any more dirt that you are hiding from us?
    —Stephanie

    Dear Not So Fast:
    I said everyone thought that Robsten was close to calling it quits, not that they every actually were. I've been telling you all along that our fave Hollywood couple hadn't split—now will you guys finally believe me?

    Dear Ted:
    Henrietta Hard-Ball
    has got to be one of the crazy Michelles. I'm fairly certain it's Michelle Malkin, but my second choice is Michele Bachmann. Am I close on either of these guesses?
    —Angela

    Dear Conservative Craze:
    You're definitely on par with the right level of craziness, but neither of the gals you guessed is Ms. Hard-Ball.

    Dear Ted:
    Not much in your column recently on my favorite couple: Tomkat. I need a fix. What's going on with Scientology's poster couple?
    —Kate

    Dear TomKat Got Your Tongue:
    While Glee's Dianna Agron wants us to think T.C. and K.H. are the most loving and normal couple in the world, I'm not buying it. The two may have been able to stay out of the media glare recently, and some of the controversy surrounding Cruise's antics may have faded, but normal is definitely not the watchword with these two.

    Dear Ted:
    What's the story with Jessica Alba? Is she naughty or nice? Has she ever been a Blind Vice?
    —H

    Dear Alba's Antics:
    For the most part, Jessie A. is pretty chill—likes cozy dinners over clubbing, prefers time with her baby over the likes of Lindsay Lohan, etc.—but if we have one complaint about the babe, it's her usually horrible wardrobe.

    Dear Ted:
    Back in the Golden Days of Hollywood, I can understand why actors closeted themselves. Not only was society more judgmental, but the movies were all about red-blooded men or romance. Now though, the biggest leading men are in sci-fis, action flicks and buddy movies or they play down-and-outers in the hopes of winning an Oscar. I can't remember a film in the last five years that required Tom Cruise, Will Smith, George Clooney, Johnny Depp, Denzel Washington, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck or Brad Pitt to kiss a woman. So really, who cares who they're kissing at home?
    —SB

    Dear Sittin' in a Tree:
    In all of these A-listers most recent (or at least most praised) movies, they've definitely been doing a ton of k-i-s-s-i-n-g with their lady costars. Let's talk Oscars: G.C. heated things up with Vera Farmiga in Up in the Air, and B.P. created one of the most buzzed-about romances with Cate Blanchett in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, just to name a few.

    Dear Ted:
    I heard about the Jared-Genevieve engagement and the sudden wedding, and I couldn't stop myself from getting suspicious. It was really quick, don't you think? I think there might be more to the story. I know that you know a bit more about this whole thing.
    —Val

    Dear Runaway Bride:
    The couple pulled off quite the covert ceremony this past weekend, but it does leave you wondering: Why so quick to rush down the aisle? The couple have been dating since 2008, but might there be a reason they had to say I do right away?

    Dear Ted:
    Brittany Murphy's mother and husband—what is up with that? They are moving to NYC together? Am I the only one who thinks these two are a little off?
    —Ami

    Dear Far Off:
    Off doesn't even begin to describe the odd couple's latest plans. Britt's mom has always been a bit shady herself, but with B.M. leaving everything to her mother, there's no way Simon Monjack's move is completely motivated by his bond with his mom-in-law.

    Dear Ted:
    I've got to ask you to comment meaningfully about my suspicion: Chester Shorts-Off and Secretia Ohio are Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan.
    —T 

    Dear Dancing Duo:
    Here's a meaningful comment on your guess: nope. Secretia has way more clout in H'wood than little-known Jenna Dewan.

    _______

    Get in touch with Ted on Ted's Facebook page.

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