Where were you when you heard Tiger Woods had crashed his own car outside his house and you went, "Hmmm, something about that doesn't sound quite right..."?
No matter where you were, you were right on the money, and on Friday Tiger finally fessed up—not as much as some of these celebs, but more than others.
But while Tiger was out in public like it's 1999, he hasn't made comeback history yet...
1. A Hole in One? Tiger Woods utilized his break from in-patient therapy wisely this week and, when not jogging or swinging (golf clubs, you pervs), opted to apologize in front of the watchful eyes he should have faced months ago—the broadcast network cameras. No, he's not returning to the PGA Tour just yet. Yes, he realizes he's been a selfish ass and can only begin to repair relations with wife Elin by being perfect for the rest of his life. Actually perfect, though. Not perfect as in the way everyone thought he was perfect all the while he was triple bogeying all over the place. (And while his apology didn't impress everyone, it inspired Counterpunch to return the favor.)
2. Getting Lost All Over Again: Are you loving it? 'Cause we're loving it! From dead Locke to the biblical allegory to the landed-safely subplot to sweaty Sawyer...Watch With Kristin can't get enough, when they're not copiously covering Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains and The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love. And what's this about Ali being the next Bachelorette? Speaking of true love, don't forget to vote for your Favorite TV Couple of all time.
3. All the Things That Make Us Laugh and Cry: Child support-seeking Bristol Palin joined mom Sarah Palin on the "everything you can do, Rush can do better" bandwagon after Family Guy featured a character with Down syndrome that said her mom used to be the governor of Alaska. A heartless stab at her brother Trig, Bristol called it, even though the teenage girl was actually really ballsy and the object of Chris Griffin's starry-eyed affection. Palin took the opportunity to again demand that Rahm Emanuel resign for saying "effing retard" during a meeting. (Thanks again, Wall Street Journal, for making sure everyone knew that.) Come on, Sarah, even Bill O'Reilly is now convinced that you don't know what the word satire means. Perhaps Sarah Silverman should have just let this one go...
4. Toting the Weary Load: Whatever happened to the big weight loss Kevin Smith was planning after he broke a toilet? Not that it matters, for we dig him just as curvy as he is, but apparently Southwest Airlines doesn't let celebrity get in the way when it comes to making people feel strange. The airline insists it just made a misinformed decision about how much space the director would need to feel comfortable when it tried to board him as a standby passenger. As for Smith, well...he uses a lot of profanity on Twitter.
5. Pre-Eclipsia: Out-and-about Kristen Stewart tells our Marc Malkin that Breaking Dawn is "not concrete" yet, but come on! Twi-hards wouldn't stand for such a thing! And while vagina-intolerant, second-best kisser Robert Pattinson was asked to do the honors last year, K.Stew and her othah lovah, Taylor Lautner, will be presenting together at the Oscars next month. But she'll be with Rob before then.
6. All the E! Ladies: She may have gotten a grandson out of it, but Kris Jenner seems just as convinced as the rest of us (including Kourtney?) of Scott Disick's douchiness...Kim Kardashian mistook herself for a bird and twittered from the air...Hence, Keeping Up With the Kardashians is heading toward a doozy of a season finale...Now we know when Kendra and Hank find time to practice baby making, now that they're parents.
7. Just the Facts, Ma'am: Jon Gosselin settled up with TLC...Three lawsuits equal one jagged little pill for Jillian Michaels...Chris Brown is doing "really, really well"...Lindsay Lohan's doing pretty good, too...Late Deadliest Catch captain's son dinged for DUI...Jail time for Ashanti stalker...Nas charged with criminal contempt for not paying child support...Audrina Patridge's alleged stalker caught too close to the Hills...Paparazzi-pummeling charges coming for Sean Penn...No hit-and-run rap for Tyrese...Nick Hogan settled crash victim's lawsuit...Tila Tequila and Shawne Merriman settled up...J.K. Rowling still fighting Potter plagiarism claims...Hotlanta accused of child abuse.
8. TV Drama: Meet American Idol's Top 24, minus Chris Golightly...Kristin Cavallari doesn't have a drug problem, says rep...Tons of people are watching the Winter Olympics...The Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards are coming up...No more Oscar specials for Barbara Walters...If Kevin Eubanks leaves The Tonight Show, who will laugh so heartily at Jay's jokes?
9. Love, Actually: Nicole Richie and Joel Madden are finally going to make it official...Hilary Duff's engaged...Simon Cowell is not...Gossip Girl's Matthew Settle is separated...Jesse James got his puppy love back...Caius and Ginny Weasley are an item...Jim Carrey really hearts Jenny McCarthy...Big-time box office for Valentine's Day.
10. Odds & Ends: Jessica Simpson talks about John Mayer, minus the "sexual napalm" bomb...While Angelina Jolie's family is endlessly charming, her neck is bothering people...Life goes on for Alexander McQueen, the brand...The designer did indeed commit suicide last week...Brit Award-winning Lady Gaga will miss him...R.I.P., Doug Fieger...Jay-Z and E! don't agree on the "We Are the World" remake...Brittany Murphy's father isn't very welcome at her grave site...Brooke Mueller is in rehab (this time, it's the kind you're thinking)...Chynna Phillips is rehabbing for anxiety...Kiefer Sutherland's kidneys are on the mend.
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Sometimes, you just need to take a step back and look at the Big Picture.