Bitch-Back! Does Jake Have a New GF in the Works?

Readers ponder Gyllenhaal's relationship fate, as well as Robsten's, obviously

Dear Ted:
Who do you see as Jake Gyllenhaal's next girlfriend?
—Rachel

Dear Gyllenspoon 2:
Isn't it pretty simple? Who's Jake's next costar?

Dear Ted:
I recently Googled Kristen Stewart, and I was surprised to find a picture of her where she appeared to be smoking some, shall we say, illegal herbs. What surprised me more was that Mischa Barton got attention from your column just the other day for possibly smoking a joint, and yet, given everyone's (including yours) obsession with all things K.Stew, this wasn't mentioned before. So, I will ask you now: Although I am all for legalization, why didn't anyone make a big deal about this? Is K.Stew some sort of exception to the "look, a star does drugs!" rule?
—Kelly

 

Dear Gone to Pot:
Between these two, one difference is that Mischa was behind the wheel of a car while Kristen was just bumming sumthin' on a stoop. While both ladies were hardly discreet about their actions, K.Stew was at least more responsible. Also, don't forget another prime distinction is that one of these gals seems to be more than capable of continuing with a stellar career—another one doesn't.

Dear Ted:
Regarding Jennifer Garner, isn't it possible that whatever happened with Taryn Ryder was a one-time thing? Maybe she was delivered some bad news just prior (perhaps something like her hubby is drinking and gambling again...or worse)? Or maybe she just woke up on the wrong side of the bed, didn't have her coffee or her hormones were raging. Anyway, just wanted to play devil's advocate, unless you've heard enough from other people to know it wasn't a one-time thing.
—Lily

Dear Maybe:
If it had only been that one occurrence with Taryn, perhaps you'd have a point. But I've had my own personal Garner-from-hell stories. On top of which, Taryn's diva radar is never wrong.

Dear Ted:
If the boyish bloodsucker known as Nelly Fang is dying to be outed, why don't you just tell us who he is already?
—Courtney

Dear Vicious Vamp:
It's not my place to out Nelly. His closet—or should I say coffin—will open when he's ready...or when he grabs a less-discreet reporter for a tryst in the woods. He's hardly dying to be outed as much as Toothy is. Nelly's just plain horny!

Dear Ted:
I'm a fan of both, Jen and Ange. Wouldn't it be great to see them do a movie? (But L.A. would freeze over before that happened.) Maybe add a little Clooney in the mix to spice things up!
—Sherry

Dear Future Director:
Forget Avatar, a Jennifer-Angelina flick would break box-office records everywhere. I, for one, would be there opening night. But you've got a better chance of Nicole Kidman going au naturel to her next premiere than that happening.

Dear Ted:
I don't really understand the Blind Vice bit, but I am going to take a guess that Secretia Ohio and Chester Shorts-Off are Halle Berry and her model-boyfriend, Gabriel Aubry. This is my first time playing this game, so tell me if it's even close.
—Kris

Dear Noobie:
Good guess. You're definitely thinking right in terms of totally delicious, but unlike Berry and her beau, Secretia and Chester are locked in matrimony.

Dear Ted:
Is Mrs. Roxy Couture Vanessa Bryant? I know Vanessa isn't A-list—or even a celeb for that matter—but I have a hard time believing Kobe cleaned up his "extracurricular activities."
—Lizee

Dear Play Ball:
Do any of these scumbags really ever change? But Vanessa isn't the pitied wife in Roxy's sad tale. Way to think outside the typical Hollywood box, though.

Dear Ted:
Regarding Roxy Couture, could it be Sarah Jessica Parker? She is insanely fashionable and very quiet. Am I even close?
—N

Dear Swinging Sex in the City:
SJP definitely fits the mold for Roxy, but would you consider Matthew Broderick "impossibly sexy"? Sarah can rest safe that her hubby isn't Stud-Bucket LeBeouf.

Dear Ted:
You wrote in a B.B.: "And as far as I'm concerned, the boards are your babies, not mine." Does that mean that you are not going to do anything to help us at all? We wanted more accountability to those posting comments. Why? Because people are stealing monikers of long-time regulars and because a lot of the comments are downright evil and vicious toward some of our favorite people. If, as you say, these boards are ours, I would say most of us want some changes made.
—T

Dear Comment Control:
I promise, our techies are on it. But you'd be surprised at all the glitches behind the E! scenes. The boards are on the fix-it list, I assure you. Wish I could have a better answer as to when. Until then, ignore the haters and the fakers and get your bitch on.

Dear Ted:
They-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named and her "procedures." Forget the ban—in four words (which is more than they deserve), tell me what you think. I'm dying to know.
—T

Dear Ban Breaker:
Uglier than Octomom. Herpes.

Dear Ted:
I'd like to know everything about Judas Jack-Off, the hottest B.V. since Toothy Tile. Do the two of them have something in common? I think they do. I believe that they are of similar age and that they go out a lot with their respective boyfriends: movies, dinner, shopping and walks. Surprisingly, and as Toothy did, Judas now holds hands with a woman in public. Could you confirm if I am correct?
—Sandra

Dear Blinding Similarities:
Hollywood hotties? Check. In the closet? Check. Beards? Check. I guess they do have a few things in common.

Dear Ted:
Apparently I'm not the only one who noticed Lohan's receding hairline while she was in London—Lainey commented on it too. Has her hairline always looked that way, or are LiLo's lifestyle choices finally catching up with her physically?
—T

Dear Hairy Situation:
I'd say a few inches of the hairline are the least of Lindsay's troubles. With her "lifestyle choices," she should be happy she's still alive.

Dear Ted:
Your Facebook link doesn't seem to work. It either takes me to the login page or my home page. I want to become a fan of yours on Facebook, but can't seem to find you...Help!
—Captain T

Dear Facebook Fiasco:
If the link isn't working for you, just search for me—just make sure you choose the right Ted.

Dear Ted:
I look to you to give me information on the relationship between Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart. The last few days, I have read postings in the comments section that some people believe that either you don't know or don't want to let us down by telling us that Rob and Kris have split up. Would you tell us, after so many times of saying they are solid, that they are not a couple and are just friends?
—Yung

Dear Have a Little Faith:
Yes.