Bitch-Back! Everyone Hates John Mayer

Fans scream about the douche-crooner's Playboy interview

Dear Ted:
With his new Playboy interview, it seems John Mayer has gone the way of Lindsay Lohan—he will do and say anything to be in the spotlight, no matter how desperate or pathetic. Dropping ex-lovers' names and describing your sexual exploits for publicity? Does it get any lower? Although, Jessica Simpson seems like the type to not care as long as he speaks of her favorably...It seems to me any woman who gets into a relationship with him now is doing so with her eyes wide open and wants her business written all over the proverbial bathroom wall.
—Jenn

Dear Attention Whore:
From your lips to Taylor Swift's ears.

Dear Ted:
As a longtime reader, your most recent exclusive ruffled my feathers. For months now, you've been talking about Jackles and you've been very direct about their respective engagements. You've called them "nothing more than exquisitely timed PR stunts" and even said "Jared Padalecki and his supertight Supernatural bud, Jensen Ackles, will sooner marry each other than who they're currently rumored to be getting hitched to." Now the people who have been listening to you from the beginning are "crazy" for not wanting Jared and Jensen's "fake PR" weddings to go ahead? I think I have whiplash from your sudden backpedaling! So, why the change of tune?
—Radha

Dear Whiplashed:
I never wrote anyone was crazy for not wanting either duo to marry. Look, I think anybody's crackers to want to get married, period. This is regardless if the union's for PR purposes or not. But let's put it this way: One of these marriages has a bit more legit intimacy than I at first suspected. And that doesn't mean I regret anything I previously wrote, far from it.

Dear Ted:
If "more to come" means we get a play-by-play of the weddings, then please just spare us. We really don't need to know that Gen arrived on the back of a mule and her theme was acorns and horse manure or that Danneel performed a pole dance in the middle of her ceremony.
—O

Dear Way Harsh:
At least she'd already have the garter belt ready to collect the dollar bills? Whether she goes traditional or stripper chic, you know Danneel is going to look sexy on her big day.

Dear Ted:
I guess that's it, then. Jackles are just two heterosexual dudes marrying the girls they love. Not saying I'm not disappointed—since I really thought they were more than BFFs—but if that's not the case then I wish both Jensen and Jared luck (which I'm afraid they'll need judging by their choices in brides). Thanks for finally setting the record straight and being brave enough to admit when you're wrong about the marriages being fake.
—Jayne

Dear Wedding Wishes:
I never made any such admittance, but I'd be happy to pass along your blessing during my toast at the reception.

Dear Ted:
Now that you've confirmed Jared Padalecki as a Blind Vice, is he Jackie Bouffant? And is the ex-boyfriend Chad Michael Murray?
—Mitch

Dear J-Squared:
I wouldn't exactly call Jared an overnight superstar, which Jackie most definitely is. Nobody was knocking down J.P.'s door with movie offers after House of Wax came out.

Dear Ted:
You and your posters frequently criticize Angelina Jolie, calling her a skank, a homewrecker, etc., but you yourself have said Pitt and Aniston were over before she came along. Even if they were not over, he was the married one with a commitment, not Angelina. So, why the hate? Seems to me like it plays on the sexist stereotype of women as slutty homewreckers when no one put a gun to Pitt's head to cheat on Aniston. Second: I'm not a hater, but why the obsession with Jennifer Aniston? I honestly think she is a terrible actress and not all that pretty (typical and bland).
—Dianita

Dear Old-School:
I'll say it again: I don't hate Angie, but I wouldn't let her off so guilt-free—Brad and Jen weren't a low-key couple, so Ange definitely knew she was getting frisky with a married man. Tho, I totally agree that Brad is to blame, too, so I guess his looking so miserable now is karma, huh? And Jen is a hot mama who likes to have fun. She's not hurting anyone. She's pretty cool, you should come around.

Dear Ted:
John Mayer's description of the sex between him and Jessica Simpson was disgusting. I don't care for her, but no female deserves that. He needs the wire from his brain to his mouth disconnected. What gives with that loser?
—Kris

Dear Don't Wanna Hear It:
"Sexual napalm" is just little bit different than "Your Body Is a Wonderland," huh? The sad thing is he probably thought she would be flattered.

Dear Ted:
The majority of Rob's grown-up fans simply adore the fact that he seems to be in a mature, dedicated relationship with Kristen. His devotion to her and the fact that he lights up around her is an appealing and honest image. Would you please give your opinion as to why his handlers want to push his single-guy image? It is the general consensus among us fans that an image like that will ruin him and ultimately backfire on them.
—Smart Fans in Numbers Greater Than Summit Thinks

Dear Image Control:
Just chalk it up the Zefron precedent. The PR think tanks tend to believe that the younger audiences are more receptive to a star if he is single—the girlfriend factor tends to ruin the daydream.

Dear Ted:
After John Mayer's unbelievably classless interview in which he did more than kiss and tell, I think it's time to out him as Super Duper Cooper. If he doesn't have respect for his ex-girlfriends' privacy, why should you respect his? If he objects to you revealing his Blind Vice, then he is more than just a douchebag...he's a hypocrite.
—Megan

Dear Eye for an Eye:
John Mayer may be a blabbermouth, but why should I sink down to his level?

Dear Ted:
Since the Jackles weddings appear to be done deals, how would you rate the survival odds for each marriage? And if Jensen and Jared were to marry each other, would that marriage have a better chance of lasting than the ones to Danneel and Genevieve?
—Mel

Dear Rating Game:
In my head, Jensen and Jared marrying would make one hell of a happy—and hot—groom and groom. On a scale of 1 to 10, I dream their honeymoon alone would be a 15. Not too late to do it, boys!

Dear Ted:
I know you've said before that the Jonas Brothers aren't quite as squeaky clean as Disney would lead you to believe, which is hardly surprising. But have any of them ever actually been a Blind Vice?
—Katie

Dear Brotherly Vice:
Sure, at least one has been a B.V. But have more than one?

Dear Ted:
Do you think we'll hear more about Jackles soon? You can't be the only one in Gossip Town who's fallen under the charm of this duo, right?
—W

Dear Jacklemaniac:
If you're worried about J.A. or J.P. leaving the spotlight anytime soon, you can breathe easy. With two weddings fast approaching, we're totally going to be hearing more about these studs.

Dear Ted:
I'm wondering if maybe Jason Dohring or Alex O'Loughlin could be Nelly Fang? I don't remember either of their names being mentioned before in any of your Bitch-Backs. I wonder why? Especially O'Loughlin, who is pretty well-known for playing a vampire.
—MMS

Dear Not Quite Nelly:
Both dudes have played vamps before, but would you say either is the biggest or the hunkiest bloodsucker around? I definitely wouldn't.

Dear Ted:
Were either JJO or DDD born outside of the United States?
—C

Dear Customs Agent:
Too big a clue, babe...good question, though.

Dear Ted:
I just read the comments to your Who's Marrying First: Jensen or Jared? post, and I'm blown away at all these hateful comments. I'm a huge Supernatural fan and love the boys dearly, but some of these fans just hate you. These people need to ease up—it's a gossip column, for goodness sake!
—T

Dear Super Super­-Fan:
If you think that's bad, you should check out Robsten backlash. Yikes!