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    John Mayer: Jessica Simpson Was "Sexual Napalm"!

    John Mayer, Jessica Simpson Kevin Mazur/WireImage.com

    Today, in a very special edition of John Mayer on John Mayer, he steps up his interview game, taking it to new heights (or depths?) that we never expected.

    The last couple of times we heard from him it was all ass hats and sexting or masturbation, but for a way long interview with Playboy, he really goes all out. Yes, he still spends half the time talking about how much he enjoys masturbation, but near the end he goes into how crazy Jessica Simpson was in bed...

    "Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me. Sexually it was crazy. That's all I'll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm." But of course that's not all he'll say. He continues:

    "There are people in the world who have the power to change our values. Have you ever been with a girl who made you want to quit the rest of your life? Did you ever say, 'I want to quit my life and just f--kin' snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to f--k you, I would start selling all my s--t just to keep f--king you."

    Keeping it extra classy, he also talks about Jennifer Aniston in the middle of his Jessica Simpson crazy crack sex story. When asked if he still loves The Bounty Hunter actress, who has been busy sipping margaritas to save Mexico's economy, he answers, "Yes, always. I'll always be sorry that it didn't last. In some ways I wish I could be with her. But I can't change the fact that I need to be 32."

    Jennifer Aniston, John Mayer AP Photo/Lisa Rose

    FYI, being 32 means "I don't want to pet dogs in the kitchen." And also tweeting, which Jen just didn't get.

    "One of the most significant differences between us was that I was tweeting. There was a rumor that I had been dumped because I was tweeting too much. That wasn't it, but that was a big difference. The brunt of her success came before TMZ and Twitter. I think she's still hoping it goes back to 1998. She saw my involvement in technology as courting distraction. And I always said, 'These are the new rules.' You have to show that you don't take yourself seriously."

    And, of course, John continues his fight against being labeled a douche bag when he's really just a solid guy who wants people to like him. This is his goal for 2010:

    "I've been trying to prove to people I'm not a douche bag by not dating, by keeping my name out of Us Weekly. That's f--ked up, man. I'm not dating. I'm not even f--king. So now I'm going to experiment with 'f--k you.' In 2010 my goal is to get more mentions in Us Weekly than ever."

    Ugh. So there's going to be more of this? Is there even anything left to say? Like he said this in the interview: "My d--k is sort of like a white supremacist. I've got a Benetton heart and a f--kin' David Duke c--k. I'm going to start dating separately from my d--k."

    What else is there?

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