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    Brangelina Breakup Is Real!

    Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie Stefanie Keenan/Getty Images
    Conspiracy Corner, Comic Con 2009 Brick

    Well, of course, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are breaking up

    They're breaking up for awards season.  

    Think about it: If you were Pitt and Jolie, and you were not in the Oscar running, and therefore threatened with irrelevancy by the likes of Jeff Bridges—Jeff Bridges!—until March—March!—what would you do?

    Exactly.

    You'd get bored. You'd get resentful. You'd concoct all sorts of ways to divert attention away from the statuette-hoarding Meryl Streeps of the world.

    Grow a funny goatee? (Been there, done that, didn't work.) Have a baby, or three? (Been there, done that, loads of work.) Break up?

    Of course!   

    Now, you wouldn't break up in the manner that mere mortals break up—with fights, lawyers and ice-cream therapy. No, you'd break up in the manner that public figures break up—with planted stories, planted quotes and, above all, orchestrated photo ops.

    To sell your ennui, you'd walk through an airport looking scraggly (Pitt), haggard (Jolie) and unhappy (both). To sell your despair, you'd turn up the notch on your body odor. To sell your disconnectedness, you'd deep-six joint appearances. 

    For camera purposes, you'd be broken up. And a bigger story than the stupid old Oscars.  

    Take that, Christoph Waltz, whoever you are!

    Do we talk the talk of the crazy? Perhaps, but we've got company. The Los Angeles Times' Gold Derby blog asks whether Pitt is sitting out awards shows because he's "mad they're snubbing him."

    You think? We do.

    Pitt may be a former Oscar nominee, and Jolie may be a one-time winner, but neither has been a serious contender since forever (all the way back to Twelve Monkeys for Pitt) and ever (all the way back to Girl, Interrupted, for Jolie).  

    Last year, they were cannon fodder, him nominated to lose for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, her nominated to lose for The Changeling, the two of them used by the Academy for red-carpet purposes, and by ABC as a reaction shot to presenter Jennifer Aniston.     

    This year, Pitt's supposed to play nice and cheer on Inglouious Basterds, even though he has no shot at an individual nomination, while Jolie's supposed to play nice and cheer on Pitt, even though she has no movie in the hunt?

    That's more charity than even Pitt and Jolie are capable of.

    The way we figure, these two are on the outs until at least March 7, the day of the Oscars.

    And when the two resurface as a twosome on March 8, the day after the Oscars, we won't be shocked. Nor will we be surprised when Pitt and Jolie announce the proceeds from the sale of their first recoupling picture will benefit Haiti.

    Top that, Sandra Bullock!

    ________

    Desperate for a picture of the twosome together today? Check out our Brad & Angelina Family Album.

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