Bitch-Back! Brangelina All Not Hot and Bothered

Readers debate Brangelina’s bustup, Alexander Skarsgard’s sensuality

Dear Ted:
No comment on the Brangelina supposed breakup? I know you know what's going on, you sly fox. Throw us a bone! Love ya.
—Mel

Dear Big Question:
Wouldn’t you like to know? You know what they say, the couple that cheats together, stays together...kidding! I'm told Brad and Angelina have not broken up, but indeed, "something's up," as my Brangie sources whisper. More deets tom, but I can tell ya this much: The formerly golden couple ain't exactly lookin' (or smellin') so great.

Dear Ted:
Of late I have become obsessed with the Sookie Stackhouse book series. This, combined with my enthusiasm for True Blood, has me all in a tizzy for June to hurry up and get here! I can't wait to see what's in store (and who gets naked)! My question is: Is the hunky Alexander Skarsgård the Blind Vice Nelly Fang? I don’t think so, but I want him eliminated ASAP!
—Kristen

Dear Vamp Girl:
Oh, darlin’, I’m getting’ a little bored with people demanding to know their fave hunk idols either are or aren’t the culprits in the Blind Vice series, so guess what: Just like Alex’s next season of nakedness, I’m gonna make ya wait on this one, sorry.

Dear Ted:
Please, oh, please tell me that Taylor Swift and John Mayer are just friends? I know they've been seen together a lot recently and there has been some speculation. She is way too good for him.
—Lori

Dear Love Story:
We all know Tay Swift is a total romantic and John Mayer is a total sleaze-dork, as further evidenced in his recent Rolling Stone cover story. These two have been friends for a while, but Taylor is way outta his league. Hopefully, the duo will limit their relations to tweets and stay out of the sheets; Taylor's health is depending on it.

Dear Ted:
Do you think Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson will go the distance? They seem pretty devoted and serious with each other. And they seem to care about each other. Do you think they will be in it for the long haul?
—Hopeful

Dear Destiny:
Define long haul in this town? I think Robsten's already gone the long haul, as they've been an item, on and off, for a matter of years now. Not too many couples can claim that 'round these parts.

Dear Ted:
Is it just me, or is James Franco popping up everywhere? He has been on soap operas, SNL and 30 Rock...does he just really like to work or is he doing some damage control for certain same-sex rumors?
—Curious

Dear Omnipresent:
He was also everywhere at Sundance. However, ask yourself this: If James Franco wanted to control same-sex rumors, why would he choose to play gay men in both Milk and Howl? Like, uh, you don't exactly see Tom Cruise signing up to play Truman Capote, do ya?

Dear Ted:
Are True Blood costars Alexander Skarsgård and Stephen Moyer secret lovers Toothy Tile and Grey Goose?
—Kate

Dear Hopeful:
I wish I could tell you that these two hot vamps hook up on the DL—but remember, Toothy has been on the scene way longer than either of these two actors, if you add it up.

Dear Ted:
There are several sightings of Jake Gyllenhaal doing yoga shirtless lately. I wonder if he is really into yoga or if he is just showing off his body. Do you think there is any chance he would also bike shirtless with his cycling partner, Austin, for our viewing pleasure?
—Asana

Dear Sporty Spice:
Been there, done that. Austin and Jake and Matthew McConaughey and Lance Armstrong all have never exactly shied away from the Naked Cyclist Book Club, membership in which has its very special privileges.

Dear Ted:
Has Toothy Tile ever been associated with Glenn Close?
—Lynn

Dear Det. By Numbers:
Darling, everybody’s been associated with Glenn Close, at some point—that bitch works so much, she's the Kevin Bacon degree of separation around town. Toothy has, too, of course. Not gonna say in what capacity, though!

Dear Ted:
You didn't answer me last time but I really want to know what's going on with Julia Roberts. Has she always been as crazy as she's been recently and previously was able to hide it? Or has she gotten involved with some..."things"? Or just say if she's been a B.V.?
—Gabrielle

Dear Obsessed:
Girlfriend has been acting pretty overzealous now that she is back from her extended maternity leave from Hollywood. But no Vice stuff so far. Was ages ago, though, but way before she got married.

Dear Ted:
I noticed that George Clooney didn't walk the red carpet at the SAG awards with his latest "lady," Elisabetta Canalis. Now I see where she was back in Italy partying with her girlfriends. Is this the beginning of the end, or has it already ended? I did want to say, though, thank you to George for his Haiti telethon. He does have a gift; it was very moving and thoughtful. Well done, George!
—Juliet

Dear Stalker:
George has been acting very camera-shy lately, especially at the awards shows. Seems like he has been more focused on saving the world than entertaining his GF. Don't think he broke any sweat over that one.

Dear Ted:
Love your column, dude! Question...how do the gay Hollywood hunks keep their previous BFs and flings and what-have-you quiet? I would think they could go to any gossip rag and get tons of money for spilling the story about their hot night with some hottie. I can't imagine they have everyone sign a nondisclosure, confidentiality agreement before they get busy.
—Practical

Dear Think Again:
Uh, most of gay Hollywood does have nondisclosure forms sitting around next to their condoms, hardly unusual anymore. But just as a prophylactic can break, so, too, can these zipped lips; but the public's pretty stupid about believing the truth, which these boy-on-boy stars bank on big-time.