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    Bitch-Back! Jake and Reese Had a Believer!

    Reese Witherspoon, Jake Gyllenhaal Frazer Harrison/Getty Images

    Dear Ted:
    I'm sorry to burst your cynical bubble—I work in a tiny cafe in London far, far away from the glare of the paps, and Jake and Reese used to come in frequently with her children. They were an extremely affectionate and obviously in love couple. What would be the point of such displays and spending weeks in another country together if their relationship wasn't genuine? Also, he is hot stuff! Aye Papi!
    —X

    Dear Shabby Sherlock:
    You might want to get a new magnifying glass because you're missing what's right in front of your eyes: nothing. So, what would be the point of America's sweetheart and one of Hollywood's sexiest young studs coupling up? Oh, I don't know...movies to sell with their mush?

    Dear Ted:
    I can't get through a day without youI worry when I haven't seen you by lunch. I have a Blind Vice guess I'm about a million years late on: Are Judas Jack-off and Dashed Dingle-Dream Chad Michael Murray and Sophia Bush? And how would anyone ever know they are correct? You can't just come out and say so?
    —Cara

    Dear Gender Confused:
    For Sophia Bush to be Dashed Dingle-Dream, Judas' tossed to the side ex-boyfriend, she would have to be packing some heat...if you know what I mean. If sexy Sophia had the, um, "equipment," to be anyone's ex-boyfriend that would be quite the Blind Vice in itself!

    Dear Ted:
    Does Stinky Carrot-Crotch have something in common with Michael J. Fox and Liza Minnelli?
    —Cee

    Dear Orange All Over:
    You mean besides some of the silliest movies ever made? No.

    Dear Ted:
    Thank you for essentially telling the Sarah Palin lovers to back off. This is your blolumn. You can write about whatever the hell you want. These people writing you, outright ordering you to stop bashing Palin? Give. Me. A. Break. Would they respond the same way if they themselves had a blog and people demanded they stop writing about certain issues? I think not. You don't like it, don't read it. And get over it. Freedom of speech, people. Maybe a little history lesson is in order here.
    —H

    Dear Going Rogue:
    Sarah Palin couldn't have said it better herself.

    Dear Ted:
    What did you mean when you said "Can't vampire lovers and Gleeks all get along? Besides, don't they all look so...cute together?," in response to the question about Taylor Lautner and Matthew Morrison? Do you think that Matthew was trying to hit on Taylor?
    —B

    Dear Don't Be So Naïve:
    Yeah, in front of piles of camera crews, uh-uh. Nope, just saying even bloody vamps can have their high-dork moments, that's all.

    Dear Ted:
    Wow. Cindy McCain joins the NOH8 campaign? I didn't see that one coming. Your thoughts, Ted?
    —Rich

    Dear Shocked and Awed:
    Meghan McCain
    has always been a big-time gay rights advocate, so I guess some of her positive thinking has finally rubbed off on her mom. Unfortunately, it rubbed off way late...where was Cindy's anti-Prop 8 support when her husband was running for president on a platform banning gay marriage?

    Dear Ted:
    Some people have suggested the big secret you have on Jensen Ackles has nothing to do with Jared but is about his fiancée, Danneel Harris. Like...maybe his fiancée lied about her age? She looks much older than the D.O.B. listed on her IMDB bio page.
    —Akara

    Dear Not So Fast:
    Interesting theory, but hardly true. And I wouldn't give too much credit to every fact over at IMDB. Plenty o' mistakes there.

    Dear Ted:
    I'm in one of those "flyover" states, too, and I just wanted to say, in regard to Palin: Go get 'er! She's in the public eye without trying to live any sort of a private life, and that makes her fair game, just like anyone else. No one would tell you to back off of the likes of Anderson Cooper, John Edwards, or any actor...so why do so many people want kid gloves for Palin? Oh, wait, I forgot: double standards. I also wanted to ask: How many gay actors, roughly, avoid the whole setup/fake relaysh?
    —Lish

    Dear Good Question:
    Very, very few.

    Dear Ted:
    Is Toothy's BF Gray Goose Josh Duhamel?
    —Sarah

    Dear Fergie:
    Nope. I'd worry more about strippers than about Mr. Tile.

    Dear Ted:
    This blind item by Gossip Boy really got the gears in my mind turning: "And this last one I saw with my own two eyes. Which gossip columnist actually gets paid by some of the celebs he writes about to drop their names in any way? They actually help him come up with the stories!!!" It's not Perez Hilton. You are the suspected gossip columnist. As much as I don't want to believe this, I need to hear it from you, is it true? Are you on certain stars' payrolls?
    —J

    Dear Make Me Laugh:
    Tell the idiot who started this that Margo Casablanca wants only fresh baked chickens from Gelson's every day—delivered straight to her new Prada bed set—now that we have all this new money! And, darling, people might pay me not to write about them (that I could almost buy), but not vice versa.

    Dear Ted:
    Why is it, do you think, that Republicans always get antsy when people express opinions that disagree with their own but want everyone under the sun to respect their right to blast off?
    —G

    Dear Sociology 101:
    Because men and Republicans are exactly the same: self-serving.

    Dear Ted:
    Supernatural
    fans are not happy campers right now. In your latest BB you wrote, "I love what my readers love, and there seems to be this insane fascination with these two." So, basically, you've admitted to writing about Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles only because it gives you hits from the fans. Does that mean that your sweet talk about the suspicious engagements of the Supernatural hunks is only based on the wishful thinking the fans express and unsubstantial rumors?
    —BB

    Dear Oh, Please:
    I love how you write, "so basically you've admitted..." No. I did not say that, you did. If I love what the fans love, then, by all means, we will always have a deal.

    Dear Ted:
    I swear you will never answer whether Jackson Rathbone is Nelly Fang. I really get a gay vibe from him. Please just say it isn't him or at least give a no comment.
    —Catherine

    Dear Stop Fretting:
    Ain't him. Happy? Though, I doubt you'll ever be as content as Nelly is with all his boy-and-girl dates 24/7. Who does he think he is, the new Mick Jagger? (Yes.)

    ________

    Having trouble figuring the Blind Vices out? Check the Bitch-Back section for more clues

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