No Separation Anxiety for Conan: "I'm Determined to Make the Best of This Situation"

A term of the exit deal you may not have heard about: "Max Weinberg must surrender his key to the women’s locker room at the NBC gym"

Conan O'Brien is wishing he had been nicer to Ryan Seacrest.

"I thought about something today," he said Thursday during his penultimate monologue as host of The Tonight Show.

"Over the years I've made a lot of fun of Ryan Seacrest, Larry King, Spencer Pratt, Geraldo, David Hasselhoff, Kirstie Alley and Donald Trump. And here's the messed up thing—they all still have shows."

"As you all know by now, tomorrow is our last show here," he said. "I'd like to apologize to the guests that were scheduled for next week: President Barack Obama, the pope, the queen of England and our good friend, Elvis Presley."

While it's common knowledge that O'Brien signed a $33 million deal (plus $12 mil for his staff) that prevents him from suing NBC for breach of contract and requires that he not assume late-night hosting duties for another network until Sept. 1, the deposed funnyman let slip a few other stipulations in the agreement he inked today:

• "I am prohibited from coming within 500 yards of 11:30."
• "I must return the Etch-A-Sketch my contract was written on."
• "I'm not allowed to make fun of NBC programming. I have to let the programming speak for itself."
• "The cop who escorts me off the lot after my last show must have the rank of lieutenant or higher."
• "Max Weinberg must surrender his key to the women's locker room at the NBC gym."
• "Have to watch at least one NBC show every weeknight in order to double ratings."
• "Effective today, NBC will stop paying for Andy Richter's medical marijuana, and medical Jack Daniels."
• "Must stop production on my documentary expose of NBC: Inside the 'Cock."

So long as his freedom isn't hindered any further than that, O'Brien should be happy at Fox whichever network he ends up.

"Obviously this was not our first choice—it wasn't our eighth choice—but I'm determined to make the best of this situation," he said. "So, ladies and gentleman, and people watching, here is the plan. Tonight and tomorrow night, we are going to have a lot of fun on television, that's what we're going to do."

Before scheduled whirling dervish Robin Williams appeared, Pee-wee Herman showed up to act out the NBC-Conan feud with a stuffed peacock and a giraffe with a mop of red hair attached to its head, and Ben Stiller presented his own highlight reel of the Tonight Show With Conan O'Brien's best moments.

Of course, it only consisted of a montage of Stiller's appearances, but still. It's the thought that counts.

Adding to the elegiac tone of the evening was Jimmy Fallon, who had nothing but great things to say about Conan.

"If there's one thing I've learned from David Letterman and Conan," he said of his Late Night predecessors, "it's that hosting this show is a one-way ticket to not hosting the Tonight Show."