If Tiger Woods thought he'd find some refuge from mockery with his brother in transgressions David Letterman, well, he thought wrong.
While other late-night hosts have had a week's head start on the topical trainwreck, Letterman was stuck in repeats until last night, but the Late Show host wasted no time in teeing up a few choice digs.
"Boy, it looks like that Tiger Woods is having some trouble," Letterman tentatively began, before launching into the heart of the potentially hypocritical matter. "You know, I was thinking if this thing happened three months ago, I'd have material for a year."
"President Obama is sending troops to Afghanistan. Hell, he oughta be sending them to Tiger Woods' house."
However, he saved the best (and most self-aware) for last: "I wish he would stop calling me for advice."
But that didn't stop Letterman from dishing some out...
In discussing Woods' ever-lengthening list of other women—at last tabloid count, anywhere between five to nine over spousal par—Letterman said that the golfer's well-honed if morally questionable powers of endurance should be taken into account by any outraged sponsors. Or at least, by one in particular.
"I was thinking, my god, if he's actually this active, maybe he deserves to be on the Wheaties box.
"Yeah, not much else I can say."
Luckily, he got a little relief at that point from pal Tom Hanks, who was on hand to help Letterman deliver his Top 10 list. Or rather, to react to Letterman's delivery of said list, appropriately dealing with the "Top 10 Ways Tiger Woods Can Improve His Image."
"Maybe I'll learn a little something here myself," Letterman said in introducing the rundown.
The list started off tickling Tom's funny bone (Nos. 10 and 9, "Crash a state dinner at the White House" and "Change name from Tiger to more adorable Puppy," warranted hearty guffaws from Hanks), but quickly devolved, to much hilarity, into a list which the star was not amused by.
In response to, "Instead of sweatshops in Asia, have Nike merchandise made right here in the U.S.A.," Hanks simply muttered, "I don't care for that type of humor."
To, "Safely land golf cart in the Hudson River," Letterman was met with, "You're still making jokes about that?"
He got nothing more than an icy death glare to the suggestion that Tiger, "Release a list of women he did not have sex with," but the audience, if not Tom, was on Dave's side for the No. 1 entry: "Blame Letterman."
Maybe because they did.
Later in the show, the host polled his audience, asking them to clap if they thought Tiger was "a jerk," which they did. To redress the balance, he also asked them to clap if they thought he was a jerk. Which they also did.
Ignorance may be bliss, but there's something to be said for knowing where you stand.
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