Wait, Kathy Ireland was on this show? What the heck is Tom DeLay doing here?!
Oh right, the Dancing With the Stars finale is when a whole season's worth of contestants come out of the woodwork and remind the viewers just how right they were in casting these folks aside long ago.
With that behind them, Donny Osmond, Kelly Osbourne and Mya gathered tonight for one last spin around the floor and awaited to hear who would be bringing the illustrious disco ball trophy home for good.
Kelly danced the Viennese waltz more gracefully than ever; Mya brought new sharpness and confidence to her and Dmitry Chaplin's nerd-meets-seductress jive; and Donny performed his Argentine-tango ass off, somehow managing to look intense but not hammy.
But as Len Goodman said earlier, "There can be only one."
And that one was Mr. Showbiz himself, Donny Osmond.
Instead of sharing his thoughts, the 51-year-old grandfather with the baby face ran out to the audience and grabbed his wife of 32 years to share in his disco-ball-hoisting glory.
Then a big hug for runner-up Mya, and back to the audience to grab sister Marie, who finished third a few years ago.
This marked the first Dancing With the Stars win for Donny's partner, Kym Johnson.
Kelly Osbourne, whose sporadic swears are far more endearing now than when she was one of the loudest members of The Osbournes, ended up in third place, just a few spots shy of the crown.
"It's been the most beautiful, amazing experience," Kelly, demure and gracious as always (these days), said in her exit interview. "Thank you, America, thank you so much for voting me in every single week. It's because of you that I've grown so much, it's because of you that I've had this opportunity. So thank you, really, from the bottom of my heart."
Though Kelly was indeed a longshot, it was Mya who was the queen of the ballroom throughout, technically, and last night ended with Donny trailing her by two points. He also finished off the freestyle round with a flourish, prompting suspicion that he was being set up as America's star of choice.
And after tonight's final dances, the judges reranked the contestants based on those performances, putting Donny in first place with a 30, Mya in second with 28 and Kelly in third with 26.
They even had Donny come out and croon "Puppy Love" while—who else—Louie Vito and Chelsie Hightower danced a jive.
Playing favorites much?
Keeping in mind our distaste for gimmicks that serve no purpose other than to kill time, this finale—despite the two-hour running time—had more substance than some.
At least most of the clips and interviews were devoted to reviewing this season's contestants, and despite the Cloris Leachman-Steve Wozniak-Jerry Springer-Joanna Krupa dance-off (guess who won), we didn't feel as if the producers had gone out of their way to insult our intelligence.
Whitney Houston's presence was also greatly welcome. What better way to punctuate what Dancing With the Stars is all about than a performance of "I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)" by the diva herself?
So that's it for Dancing With the Stars until spring. Time to turn your attention to that other syncopated competition on Fox, and the 14 remaining hopefuls who can indeed dance.