Gosselin made the astoundingly misplaced declaration while floating his (untrue) pet theory that the cable channel was somehow compensated for stories about the show that appeared in People and Good Housekeeping.
Apparently, Gosselin was upset that TLC was (but really wasn't) profiting off his family and wanted a piece of that action for himself.
"It's like a shopping game now," he told Lohan, who, as always, edited his half of the conversation off the tape. "Because everyone knows I talked. So like, 'Oh my God, he's free game now cause TLC doesn't give a f--k.'
"They don't! They haven't said s--t! What the f--k? Why the f--k didn't I do this, like, months ago?"
The answer he was looking for was not the obvious—i.e., an exclusivity clause in his TLC contract, which came back to bite him in the you-know-where not long after this conversation. Nope, according to Jon, it was much more conspiratorial than that.
"Because they tried to scare tactic me. They tried to scare tactic me. Why the f--k should they get paid and not my kids?
"And I see now they know that I know. That they took money from People, they took money from Good Housekeeping. They struck side deals and none of that money went to my kids. To leak that to the public? Oh my god, Michael, can you imagine? They'd be so f--ked! Their stock would tank! That they stole from eight kids!"
While Gosselin's grand plans of whistle-blowing clearly got sidetracked somewhere along the way, his penchant for rambling incoherently about defending past relationships is alive and well.
"And the Kate Major thing—you know, I tried to do the In Touch things as much as possible and say...you know we're friends, it didn't work out, blah, blah, blah...and then she says, 'I look so bad.' You don't look bad. You look like...you know we hung out? Still don't get it? F--k."
The recording also makes it clear that Lohan and Gosselin were indeed pitching their own reality project—something both have denied in recent weeks.
"No, I read your email, we all make mistakes, we all do stupid shit, and we learn from each other and that's the whole point about Divorced Dads Club," he told Lohan.
And there was even audio proof that Jon Gosselin is not exactly the best judge of character.
"And you know I always give everyone a second chance, I mean, honestly, I don't really...I've known you a couple weeks, and I like you...you know, but I don't even know your past, Michael," he tells Lohan.
"Our relationship started a couple weeks ago. I don't care about the past. I could care less. It's the same with Hailey. She did all this s--t in college, but I didn't know her then. Our relationship started May 4. You know, it's like, it's irrelevant to me. So, you know, that's how I'm gonna go."
That's right, totally irrelevant. After all, why would it be helpful to inform yourself about someone's past? It's not like people repeat bad behavior or anything.
"His past, I'm like, 'I don't know about his past. I only know what you assholes write about him. It's the same s--t you write about me, so why should I believe you?'" Gosselin continued on.
"They never say the good things. Never, 'cause the good things don't sell. I've learned. I'm not stupid."