Should you go see New Moon? Does it matter what we say? You're going to see New Moon. But if you have any lingering doubts about the second film in The Twilight Saga, we're here to help. Below is a handy clip 'n' save chart matching your own personality with a customized review of the most hyped film of the year.
Find the category that best matches you, and the truth about New Moon will follow:
You're a Superfan! You collapsed into a jellylike mass when R.Pattz first appeared in Twilight—or you are Ted Casablanca:
This film will not disappoint. But then again, as long as Robert Pattinson is present, it'd be hard for any film to let you down. You won't get a ton of Rob, though, as his chaste vampire Edward Cullen appears mostly as a wispy cloud of distant romance, whining little more than "pleeeease" while his dear heartbroken Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) mopes and experiments with leather-jacketed danger.
That said, the climax does involve Pattz going shirtless. And the very end of the movie will likely make you collapse into a jellylike mass all over again. If you're a drooling Rob fan, that should keep you atremble through the debut of the third film, Eclipse, next summer.
YOUR GRADE: A-
You're Kind of a Fan! First movie surprised you, and now you're hooked.
If it was Pattinson that first lured you in, you run the risk of being lured back out, unless you can get equally excited about shirtless 17-year-old jailbait.
The real stars of this movie are Jacob's (or rather, Taylor Lautner's) ridiculously shaped pecs. They have about as much acting ability as Pattz himself, whose diction disintegrates in direct proportion to his broken, bloodless heart.
However, if it's Stewart's performance that first impressed you, you won't be let down. She's as bewildered and slack-jawed as ever, now new and improved thanks to suicidal tendencies.
YOUR GRADE: B-
You're Team Stephenie! You love the books, but the first movie did nothing for you.
If you fixate on funny things like plot and character—in movies, anyway—too bad. Edward's torture over a perceived lack of "soul" translates into a vague Marlon Brando impression for Pattinson. At one point he crushes a phone, and things get exciting for a second.
As important and interesting as side characters like the Volturi are in Stephenie Meyer's literary universe, they get to chew very little scenery this go-around.
Dakota Fanning whips into the picture, all schoolgirl braids and red-eyed adolescent menace, but she barely sticks around long enough to murmur the word pain. And the icy wit of seasoned British actors like Michael Sheen is largely wasted.
But other new characters get plenty of time to play onscreen, and even book fans should be happy with the well-cast wolf pack. They're all fangs and snickers, and they steal every scene they're in.
YOUR GRADE: C
You're Just a Regular Person! You don't care about Twilight either way, but usually go see whatever big movies are out.
Well, here's the synopsis: Vampire Edward dumps girlfriend Bella, and she sits in a room for several months, for reasons that are clear only to readers of the Twilight novels. (Director Chris Weitz seems to think every teenage girl goes catatonic for three or four months after a breakup, and also that prolonged moping makes for good cinema.)
Finally, the girl toys around with a boy named Jacob, who seems just fine until he starts baying in the moonlight. And waxing forth about how dangerous he is. Long lectures follow about who will be able to protect who.
Edward finally figures out he was wrong to leave Bella, and high drama ensues, full of slow motion and shirtlessness.
Now, one of the major problems here is that neither Weitz nor Pattinson sells us on what's so dreamy about this cranberry-lipped, nearly mute Edward Cullen guy. Not when there's a pliant, shirtless young werewolf waiting to make Bella his princess. (Hi, superfan. We know you get it.)
The special effects are fine, the music is great and, like the first installment, New Moon has an intimate, indie feel. The cinematography and effects have improved over Twilight, but unless moping counts as an event for you, there may not be enough whizbang to fulfill expectations as an "event film."
YOUR GRADE: C-
Seen it yet? What'd you think? Post your review below!