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Gossip Girl Threesome Episode a Public Service!

Gossip Girl The CW / Andrew Eccles
Counterpunch

We hear the Parents Television Council is counting the reasons why Monday's touted Gossip Girl threesome shouldn't be aired. We see a like-minded group in South Carolina is making a similar case. And we gather some unaligned parents may be forming their own concerns.

What we don't understand is why everyone doesn't understand: Threesomes on TV are good; threesomes on Gossip Girl are better!

Go ahead, object to this.

The main argument of the antithreesome forces is that "impressionable teenagers" will be exposed to "behaviors heretofore associated primarily with adult films."

Now, not being the experts in adult films like the powers that be from the Parents Television Council apparently are, we can't speak to the group's conclusion. But we can speak to its supposition that kids will be exposed to "emotionally and psychologically damaging" behavior via Gossip Girl.

Are you kidding?

If you wanted to air something damaging, you couldn't pick a safer place to air it than on Gossip Girl. (Well, all right, you could do it on Melrose Place, but then you'd have to go to the trouble of finding the rock it's hiding under.) See, despite its uncanny ability to attract attention, Gossip Girl doesn't attract TV viewers.

Last week, the CW soap ranked 104th, finishing between a telenovela and a Spanish-language talk show. If it had aired on cable, it would have placed behind an old George Lopez rerun. And if the teen audience is what worries the PTC, then the group should worry about what Charlie Sheen is up to on Two and a Half Men or what Donny Osmond is shaking on Dancing With the Stars, because those are the two shows that teen boys and teen girls, respectively, and mostly, are watching instead of Gossip Girl on Mondays at 9 p.m.

Nope, not much exposure going on courtesy Gossip Girl.

For the sake of argument, though, let's say Gossip Girl was NCIS big. Let's say Monday's threesome episode is American Idol huge. The whole world watches Gossip Girl characters get it on...and on...and on. Fine. Per the PTC, children and teens will be left with the impression that "everybody does it," and all but determined to formulate their own elaborate bedroom equations.

Are you kidding?

Now, not being the cool kids at high school like the powers that be from the PTC apparently were, we know that our teenage selves would have been moved more to despair than imitation by Gossip Girl: A threesome?! We can't get one date, and now you're telling us we've got to get two—at the same time?! Mom, can we just get rid of the TV now?

So everybody take a deep breath. Let Gossip Girl have its fun. Sleep well knowing that the show is doing everything it can to keep the greater public from watching, or trying things Nicole Kidman will only hint at.

And sleep even better knowing that the PTC, which has vowed to "monitor [Monday's] episode very closely," will report back on anything good that we missed.

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